02-23-12

Hmmm...

So I knew these last several weeks were going to be the hard ones. I knew that a year ago. That a year from now, I wouldn't want to remember these moments. I wouldn't want to remember pain, sadness and emptiness. At least I was prepared for it to be terrible. Valentines day last year was marked by an emergency admittance to LDS hospital to start transplant proceedings fast! It was the day I learned I could let go. It was the day Jeremie begged me to let him go. Pain, pain, pain.

Life is surreal...things you never ever thought you would have to endure. Things you never thought you would have to even think about. Things that you thought should never have to happen. They all did. Even now I sit...and my breathe is taken from me...the reality hits. I'm truly alone. I'm not saying that out of pain or sadness, but just as a matter of fact. And it's odd.

It is funny the things that will bring me to my knee's. Getting off of work...my habit for my whole adult life was to call Jeremie. Do you know I still get off of work and reach for my phone? I went to a conference in Vegas this last week. I was sitting there and all of a sudden I panicked...I forgot to call Jeremie! Ha Ha Ha!!! Huh? I don't even have anyone to check in with. It just weirded me out! I haven't done that in 19 months!

The time thing is funny for me too. Yes he died 7 months ago today. But MY Jeremie was taken from me 19 months ago. My healthy, vibrant, pain in the bum, silly, sarcastic, larger than life, creative, passionate, bossy husband has been gone since July 2010. And my favorite time to remember him is when he wasn't sick. Truly he was such a great friend, I miss that most.

I get whiny every now and again. Actually I think I'm just tired. Single parenthood stinks, I don't recommend it EVER. And not only that, it isn't like I got divorced, and my former spouse will take the kids occasionally. I have them all to myself all the time. Yes, this is why I love my bathtub and my locking bedroom door ;-) And then I think they are stuck with me ALL the time too! Poor kids!

I think we are still adjusting okay? Still figuring out how our little family fits together. I'm a different parent. I'm hoping I'm working on being a better one. One thing about loosing your best friend, is learning that life is so short. And really, the small stuff is just small. Of course I need to tell my OCD brain that and get it on board with that program!

I'm SO excited to be moving! I'm so excited to work on this adorable little house we are buying. And I'm so excited to be living how I've always dreamed. Now, I just have to get my brain tuned into this moving again non-sense ;-)

Despite my whining...I'm so thankful for the gifts in my life. I'm surrounded by incredible friends and family. I've loved experiencing new things, that I have never had the chance to experience before. I'm enjoying learning about myself, and learning to stretch and trust myself. And trying so hard not to be afraid. I can do this :-)

Oh and this Valentine's Day rocked! Here is to next year being full of positive memories and experiences...I think we all deserve them :-)

Love to all...

Cori