05-07-2011

This week has been incredibly difficult. May is usually my most favorite month. I was married 16 years ago to my sweet Jeremie on May 6th, 1995. I just LOVE the month of May. Spring-time, new growth, flowers and the beginning of life. That is what May symbolizes to me.

So on May 2nd, my little kitty-cat Tigger was put to sleep. He had been struggling with health problems for the last month. He probably should have been to the vet sooner to be put down. But I just couldn't do it. He is and was my baby boy, just another one of my boys. Jeremie and I held him as he passed this life, into the next. It was especially hard and it made me face death, decisions, comfort, and quality of life. Poor vet has seen more of my tears in the last month than anyone. I keep choosing that venue to let it all out.

This week Jeremie has been struggling with pain in his shoulders and an abnormal growth. Unfortunately it is so difficult to differentiate between "leukemic bone pain" and "activated bone-marrow pain". On MRI the two would look similar as well.  He had an ultrasound to to check the abnormal growth on Wednesday. Also unfortunately, it came back as malignant, most likely a return of leukemia.

Jeremie is having this abnormal growth removed today at DRMC. We are here now. Waiting for him to go into surgery. Dr. Lemon our local oncologist will also perform a bone-marrow biopsy while Jeremie is under general anesthetic (Again, why I love this man). This area or abnormal growth is another area that is protected by the central-nervous system or blood brain barrier. Meaning that his "new" immune cells do not cross this barrier and provide no long lasting anti-leukemic effect. He did receive "extra" irradiation to the cranial and spine while preparing for transplant. This is the treatment for leukemia in the central nervous system and blood brain barrier. Unfortunately it did not cure this problem. Darn leukemia cells can cross back and forth between blood brain barrier, peripheral blood system and bone-marrow. It has access to everything. So it can "grow" anywhere.

Until we have the exact results from this abnormal growth and the bone-marrow biopsy it is considered malignant until proven otherwise. So of course we are so disappointed and sad. And very frustrated. It seems no matter what has been done, tried, prayed, or begged for leukemia is going to keep running its course.

I'm laying out the very basics right now. I'm trying to reserve some privacy while Jeremie and I figure out everything with our family. As more details and information come I will post. I know sometimes with just giving the bare-bones of what is going on, it can create more questions. At this time it is difficult to hear "what next". So let me explain that nothing is next. Jeremie has received his life-time supply of radiation and chemotherapy. Plus it just becomes cruel to keep giving poison and watching people suffer. And none of it is without consequence. Jeremie's surgery today is to biopsy and to provide physical comfort.

I will not post time frames. We want to live our lives like we are alive and are a family, not by a clock. None of us know when it is our time to leave this earth and enter another life, so it will be with us as well. 

As I gain strength and understanding over the next little bit, more details will follow. I'm so thankful Jeremie went through the transplant, I got to have him for 3 more months. The last several weeks he has been doing so well. Despite this new growth and his pain, his energy has increased in little increments. He is driving, loving and laughing. I'm hoping he can gain enough of his strength back to ride his bike soon.

I love you all...please feel free to post any questions you have. I don't mind answering them. I realize Jeremie and I live this every moment of our lives. So when he have news good or bad, it is easy for us to assimilate and start the process of moving through it. For others though it is a shock, so please know I'm open.

Love to all...

Cori