I'm trying to find anything to do but my homework! One last paper!!!! Of course it is my big paper. Next week is my last week of clinical!!!! WOO HOO!!! Not that school ends there. I then get to take my comprehensive exam and then my boards. So I'm still a bit away from being "finished". But the hard stuff is out of the way.
Next Monday I will be getting rid of my girlie parts or I'm having a hysterectomy. Something I have been contemplating for years. Now I'm just done. So part two of taking care of me will be happening Monday. Thank goodness for Moms, mine will be coming to help take care of the kids while I recover.
Our poor PePe (Jeremie's dad) has been so sick. He had a surgical procedure performed last Tuesday and Wednesday was admitted to ICU for aspiration pneumonia. He was released Friday. It hurts me to see him so sick. Jeremie's was/is a lot like his dad. You can't sit on either one of them! They are just workers that Saville Family!
For Jeremie's birthday we went to Oscar's in Springdale (by Zions National Park). It hurt my soul, but was wonderful at the same time. It is a place my best friend and I would go after we would take our exams in nursing school. A reward we would give ourselves. Then I introduced it to Jeremie. So many different adventures we have had at that wonderful restaurant.
Well trying to get through each day. This has been a good week. I think this next week will be as well. I'm so grateful for our friends and family and neighbors. I can't believe how blessed we are. Thank you all for helping me and my kids through this.
Love to all...
Cori
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Friday, September 9, 2011
09-09-2011
What an interesting week. Jeremie used to hate when I said "interesting" cause it usual meant something was wrong with him! So..perhaps he is right...something is wrong. I'm trying to figure out so many things. Comprehending my life at the moment is a challenge. Sometimes I wonder where lil' Jer got the autism spectrum disorder ;-) I can be a bit on the analytical side of things.
Well I did something really fun last week...or I should say Jess my darling hair dresser did something fun for me...I have long hair! So much fun. At least I didn't shave it huh? Well I think my mom is happy I didn't shave it. You can usually tell if I'm in crisis as my hair will be very short. Thank goodness for a smart, beautiful and creative friend who does extensions! So my morning now is spent figuring out my stupid hair. Yeah...I'm not really into that stuff. But I have to say it is a welcome distraction ;-)
A very momentous day is coming up...I'm scared, to be honest. September 12th is Jeremie's Birthday. And all I can think about is where I want to whisk him off to, what I want to give him, and how special I want to make the day. My heart just hurts.
Sometimes I feel him so close to me, that I swear I can hear him. Other times, I just ache to hold him. And then sometimes I am so stinking tired I just miss having the extra adult body in the house with me! I miss being able to say "I can't do it anymore...will you?". How do single parents do this? Really...it is crazy! I keep thinking...I HAD FIVE...ON PURPOSE...jeez Louise.
I think...just think mind you...that I am getting the hang of this whole family nurse practitioner thing. The panic is starting to wear off, and I'm starting to be able to think through things a bit. At least I think I can get through the exam, diagnosing and prescriptions. Charting...my next problem. So awesome to be thrown into a student situation. You get to chart on the clinics stupid system, then you get to chart on your school system, then you get to write case studies after all this stupid charting!
I went to work on Wednesday. It was heaven to actually know what in the world I was doing. Felt like a vacation. So excited to get this part of my life over so I can return to some normalcy. Again...what was I thinking? I'm pretty sure though I am going to get my post-masters in psych and focus on children and adolescents. I like psych...cause I'm psycho ;-) hee hee hee!
Jeremie is definitely with me during the more challenging parts of clinical. It is usually when I know what he would be saying if he was a fly on the wall. He would just die seeing some of this stuff. It cracks me up! I sure miss his sense of humor...and sarcasm. I miss him asking me if I wash my hands! Ha Ha Ha....that used to annoy me to no end! Duh...I wash my hands. But he JUST had to ask.
I miss him most when I'm frustrated, excited, bored, happy, sad, depressed, pretty much all the time. It kills me every time I have a break or get to my car to go home and I reach for my cell-phone to call him. So usually I end up talking to myself in the car as if he was sitting right there.
I have to share a dream I had. I was talking to Jeremie asking him if I could come visit him every night. If I could just do that I would be fine. I promise. He told me I couldn't because I wouldn't go back and he wouldn't be able to make me go back. I was so sad. When I woke up I just laughed because I realized he was right. I'm stubborn, I would get there and say too bad, I'm staying! And he wouldn't have the heart to tell me no. I'm trying to hold on to that. I can't go.
I wish I could say it is getting easier, but it just isn't. Am I living without him...obviously, grrrr just selfish and whiny. I sure love you Jeremie. Someday I can't wait to hear about your day, and what you did today and what you created today...I miss that most.
Well...off to write a paper on ethics....blah
Love to all...
Cori
Well I did something really fun last week...or I should say Jess my darling hair dresser did something fun for me...I have long hair! So much fun. At least I didn't shave it huh? Well I think my mom is happy I didn't shave it. You can usually tell if I'm in crisis as my hair will be very short. Thank goodness for a smart, beautiful and creative friend who does extensions! So my morning now is spent figuring out my stupid hair. Yeah...I'm not really into that stuff. But I have to say it is a welcome distraction ;-)
A very momentous day is coming up...I'm scared, to be honest. September 12th is Jeremie's Birthday. And all I can think about is where I want to whisk him off to, what I want to give him, and how special I want to make the day. My heart just hurts.
Sometimes I feel him so close to me, that I swear I can hear him. Other times, I just ache to hold him. And then sometimes I am so stinking tired I just miss having the extra adult body in the house with me! I miss being able to say "I can't do it anymore...will you?". How do single parents do this? Really...it is crazy! I keep thinking...I HAD FIVE...ON PURPOSE...jeez Louise.
I think...just think mind you...that I am getting the hang of this whole family nurse practitioner thing. The panic is starting to wear off, and I'm starting to be able to think through things a bit. At least I think I can get through the exam, diagnosing and prescriptions. Charting...my next problem. So awesome to be thrown into a student situation. You get to chart on the clinics stupid system, then you get to chart on your school system, then you get to write case studies after all this stupid charting!
I went to work on Wednesday. It was heaven to actually know what in the world I was doing. Felt like a vacation. So excited to get this part of my life over so I can return to some normalcy. Again...what was I thinking? I'm pretty sure though I am going to get my post-masters in psych and focus on children and adolescents. I like psych...cause I'm psycho ;-) hee hee hee!
Jeremie is definitely with me during the more challenging parts of clinical. It is usually when I know what he would be saying if he was a fly on the wall. He would just die seeing some of this stuff. It cracks me up! I sure miss his sense of humor...and sarcasm. I miss him asking me if I wash my hands! Ha Ha Ha....that used to annoy me to no end! Duh...I wash my hands. But he JUST had to ask.
I miss him most when I'm frustrated, excited, bored, happy, sad, depressed, pretty much all the time. It kills me every time I have a break or get to my car to go home and I reach for my cell-phone to call him. So usually I end up talking to myself in the car as if he was sitting right there.
I have to share a dream I had. I was talking to Jeremie asking him if I could come visit him every night. If I could just do that I would be fine. I promise. He told me I couldn't because I wouldn't go back and he wouldn't be able to make me go back. I was so sad. When I woke up I just laughed because I realized he was right. I'm stubborn, I would get there and say too bad, I'm staying! And he wouldn't have the heart to tell me no. I'm trying to hold on to that. I can't go.
I wish I could say it is getting easier, but it just isn't. Am I living without him...obviously, grrrr just selfish and whiny. I sure love you Jeremie. Someday I can't wait to hear about your day, and what you did today and what you created today...I miss that most.
Well...off to write a paper on ethics....blah
Love to all...
Cori
Friday, September 2, 2011
09/02/2011
Well each day keeps turning into another day. Weird how the sun keeps coming up each day. I've definitely battled some very difficult days in the last several weeks. Hardest of my life. I miss that darn man so much. I have had to tell myself to pull it together and get a grip. So I'm attempting to fake it until I make it.
Clinical has been well...clinical. Super difficult. Definitely not in my comfort zone. And is that a good thing right now? That is what I keep asking myself? But I really have no choice. I have to get it done. I can say today it has been good this week. I am learning so much, and really find I love the work I am doing. I do like seeing it "all", as opposed to just one thing. It is definitely "family" practice.
I'm struggling coming out of this fog my brain has been in for so long. I have a couple of papers to write. I have been writing various papers for the last 7 years of my life, in APA format. On Monday in the middle of attempting to write my paper I couldn't for the life of me remember how to format my title page?? It took me hours to write a 6 page paper on APRN credentialing! Grrrrr....so frustrating! So I am easily overwhelmed. I can't wait to get back to work, and just work and come home every night, and not have to worry any more about this junk.
Kids are doing ok. I think they are also attempting to get the hang of life. They seem to be adjusting well. We just go through the motions of our life, trying to make sense of it, trying to find our place and understanding of what we are doing. We are all "here" but it's a numb sort of here. All of us trying to sort out our homework, sort out each day, and keep going. Miraculously we do it.
Sometimes I actually think the pain is less. I think that it will be okay, and we will be happy again. Then I get whacked upside the head with overwhelming emptiness. I guess normal. I can only imagine how this hurts Jeremie, it is the only thing that will pull me out of it sometimes. He just hated it when I would say I was depressed or upset. So I imagine the hurt on the poor mans face thinking he can't fix this.
I am such a blessed person. I have healthy kids, a wonderful job, an opportunity to go to school, I live in an amazing neighborhood, surrounded by amazing people, and wonderful friends and family. I know that not everyone is surrounded such as we are. I'm so thankful...I really couldn't do it without you all. I'm so blessed to have the amazing life I have.
Thanks for letting me ramble today. Definitely turning into my own personal diary!
Clinical has been well...clinical. Super difficult. Definitely not in my comfort zone. And is that a good thing right now? That is what I keep asking myself? But I really have no choice. I have to get it done. I can say today it has been good this week. I am learning so much, and really find I love the work I am doing. I do like seeing it "all", as opposed to just one thing. It is definitely "family" practice.
I'm struggling coming out of this fog my brain has been in for so long. I have a couple of papers to write. I have been writing various papers for the last 7 years of my life, in APA format. On Monday in the middle of attempting to write my paper I couldn't for the life of me remember how to format my title page?? It took me hours to write a 6 page paper on APRN credentialing! Grrrrr....so frustrating! So I am easily overwhelmed. I can't wait to get back to work, and just work and come home every night, and not have to worry any more about this junk.
Kids are doing ok. I think they are also attempting to get the hang of life. They seem to be adjusting well. We just go through the motions of our life, trying to make sense of it, trying to find our place and understanding of what we are doing. We are all "here" but it's a numb sort of here. All of us trying to sort out our homework, sort out each day, and keep going. Miraculously we do it.
Sometimes I actually think the pain is less. I think that it will be okay, and we will be happy again. Then I get whacked upside the head with overwhelming emptiness. I guess normal. I can only imagine how this hurts Jeremie, it is the only thing that will pull me out of it sometimes. He just hated it when I would say I was depressed or upset. So I imagine the hurt on the poor mans face thinking he can't fix this.
I am such a blessed person. I have healthy kids, a wonderful job, an opportunity to go to school, I live in an amazing neighborhood, surrounded by amazing people, and wonderful friends and family. I know that not everyone is surrounded such as we are. I'm so thankful...I really couldn't do it without you all. I'm so blessed to have the amazing life I have.
Thanks for letting me ramble today. Definitely turning into my own personal diary!
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