What an interesting week. Jeremie used to hate when I said "interesting" cause it usual meant something was wrong with him! So..perhaps he is right...something is wrong. I'm trying to figure out so many things. Comprehending my life at the moment is a challenge. Sometimes I wonder where lil' Jer got the autism spectrum disorder ;-) I can be a bit on the analytical side of things.
Well I did something really fun last week...or I should say Jess my darling hair dresser did something fun for me...I have long hair! So much fun. At least I didn't shave it huh? Well I think my mom is happy I didn't shave it. You can usually tell if I'm in crisis as my hair will be very short. Thank goodness for a smart, beautiful and creative friend who does extensions! So my morning now is spent figuring out my stupid hair. Yeah...I'm not really into that stuff. But I have to say it is a welcome distraction ;-)
A very momentous day is coming up...I'm scared, to be honest. September 12th is Jeremie's Birthday. And all I can think about is where I want to whisk him off to, what I want to give him, and how special I want to make the day. My heart just hurts.
Sometimes I feel him so close to me, that I swear I can hear him. Other times, I just ache to hold him. And then sometimes I am so stinking tired I just miss having the extra adult body in the house with me! I miss being able to say "I can't do it anymore...will you?". How do single parents do this? Really...it is crazy! I keep thinking...I HAD FIVE...ON PURPOSE...jeez Louise.
I think...just think mind you...that I am getting the hang of this whole family nurse practitioner thing. The panic is starting to wear off, and I'm starting to be able to think through things a bit. At least I think I can get through the exam, diagnosing and prescriptions. Charting...my next problem. So awesome to be thrown into a student situation. You get to chart on the clinics stupid system, then you get to chart on your school system, then you get to write case studies after all this stupid charting!
I went to work on Wednesday. It was heaven to actually know what in the world I was doing. Felt like a vacation. So excited to get this part of my life over so I can return to some normalcy. Again...what was I thinking? I'm pretty sure though I am going to get my post-masters in psych and focus on children and adolescents. I like psych...cause I'm psycho ;-) hee hee hee!
Jeremie is definitely with me during the more challenging parts of clinical. It is usually when I know what he would be saying if he was a fly on the wall. He would just die seeing some of this stuff. It cracks me up! I sure miss his sense of humor...and sarcasm. I miss him asking me if I wash my hands! Ha Ha Ha....that used to annoy me to no end! Duh...I wash my hands. But he JUST had to ask.
I miss him most when I'm frustrated, excited, bored, happy, sad, depressed, pretty much all the time. It kills me every time I have a break or get to my car to go home and I reach for my cell-phone to call him. So usually I end up talking to myself in the car as if he was sitting right there.
I have to share a dream I had. I was talking to Jeremie asking him if I could come visit him every night. If I could just do that I would be fine. I promise. He told me I couldn't because I wouldn't go back and he wouldn't be able to make me go back. I was so sad. When I woke up I just laughed because I realized he was right. I'm stubborn, I would get there and say too bad, I'm staying! And he wouldn't have the heart to tell me no. I'm trying to hold on to that. I can't go.
I wish I could say it is getting easier, but it just isn't. Am I living without him...obviously, grrrr just selfish and whiny. I sure love you Jeremie. Someday I can't wait to hear about your day, and what you did today and what you created today...I miss that most.
Well...off to write a paper on ethics....blah
Love to all...
Cori
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