09/02/2011

Well each day keeps turning into another day. Weird how the sun keeps coming up each day. I've definitely battled some very difficult days in the last several weeks. Hardest of my life. I miss that darn man so much. I have had to tell myself to pull it together and get a grip. So I'm attempting to fake it until I make it.

Clinical has been well...clinical. Super difficult. Definitely not in my comfort zone. And is that a good thing right now? That is what I keep asking myself? But I really have no choice. I have to get it done. I can say today it has been good this week. I am learning so much, and really find I love the work I am doing. I do like seeing it "all", as opposed to just one thing. It is definitely "family" practice.

I'm struggling coming out of this fog my brain has been in for so long. I have a couple of papers to write. I have been writing various papers for the last 7 years of my life, in APA format. On Monday in the middle of attempting to write my paper I couldn't for the life of me remember how to format my title page?? It took me hours to write a 6 page paper on APRN credentialing! Grrrrr....so frustrating! So I am easily overwhelmed. I can't wait to get back to work, and just work and come home every night, and not have to worry any more about this junk.

Kids are doing ok. I think they are also attempting to get the hang of life. They seem to be adjusting well. We just go through the motions of our life, trying to make sense of it, trying to find our place and understanding of what we are doing. We are all "here" but it's a numb sort of here. All of us trying to sort out our homework, sort out each day, and keep going. Miraculously we do it.

Sometimes I actually think the pain is less. I think that it will be okay, and we will be happy again. Then I get whacked upside the head with overwhelming emptiness. I guess normal. I can only imagine how this hurts Jeremie, it is the only thing that will pull me out of it sometimes. He just hated it when I would say I was depressed or upset. So I imagine the hurt on the poor mans face thinking he can't fix this.

I am such a blessed person. I have healthy kids, a wonderful job, an opportunity to go to school, I live in an amazing neighborhood, surrounded by amazing people, and wonderful friends and family. I know that not everyone is surrounded such as we are. I'm so thankful...I really couldn't do it without you all. I'm so blessed to have the amazing life I have.

Thanks for letting me ramble today. Definitely turning into my own personal diary!