10-09-2011

Well I made it to work 3 1/2 days last week! Woo Hoo! Kicked my ever lovin' behind, but I think it was good to get back to normal life. I missed work too! Plus I'm obnoxious when I'm sitting at home. All I see is carpets I need to clean, blinds that need to be dusted and bathrooms that need to be washed. At work I walk, sit, chart and do some injections. A little bit easier on me physically than home ;-)

Then I thought if I can go to work, then I can go to church. So after 15 months of living in my ward we went to church. All 3 meetings! Yeah...I'm pretty impressed with us too :-) It was nice, and very uplifting. We all felt good after church today. I think we have been missing that in our lives. Of course I love the first Sunday of the month. Babies being blessed! My favorite! It is such a sweet reminder of what gifts there are in this life. Another really cool thing...my kids are all older. I look around my ward and smile and giggle at the cute little toddlers and babies. It sort of relaxing for me now. Kids are quiet, listening and taking in sacrament, instead of figuring out a way to make me insane.

I felt Jeremie so close to me today. I have been struggling a bit this week. Just missing him like crazy. I miss him making me laugh. And boy he was gorgeous. I miss his green eyes, his smile and his laughter. I miss how he could distract me more than anything or anybody in this world. He occupies my thoughts all the time. I was having a hard Thursday last week. All I wanted to do was call him and tell him it was hard, I hurt, I was stressed and I needed to hear that he wished he could fix it, and hearing him say that....would fix it. I woke up Saturday morning, and I swear he was right next to me. Before I opened my eyes I just felt so happy, and was thinking how I was going to wake him up and we were going to have an adventure today. I must have been in a dream. I turned towards his side...no Jeremie...eck...awful emptiness.

Being with Jeremie the night he passed away was such a gift. It reminds me that he is close by, not far, and what I believe is true. We are eternal companions. When I think about how everything unfolded, it was a gift. To have him in my arms, telling him how much I loved him, how much his kids loved him and that he could go home now. What a truly sacred and intimate experience. The joy that was surrounding us both as he was passing from this world into another is difficult to describe. I didn't understand that is what I was feeling until I called my children and his parents to tell them he passed away. Their grief, sadness and loss hit me hard, from the opposite feeling I had been engulfed in. To share in the emotion/feeling that was there is what holds me together today. I do not know the "plan". I have whispers in my ear sometimes, that he is always here now, and can be with us in a way he wasn't able to be before. It's funny when I am struggling most, is when these little whispers come to me. I was feeling like it isn't fair to have the love of my life taken from me and from my kids, and a whisper came to me that I'm not alone. This happens everyday. I'm not being picked on. It just is. Sounds weird, but it comforted me. No wonder I like to work in psych huh?

Well enough of my ramblings...We are doing good. I'm healing fast and feeling good. I again, am so thankful for the sweet things in our lives. We are truly blessed, even in our sadness. Sounds so corny but it's true.

Love you all...

Cori