08/20/2011

My Jeremie has been gone for 4 weeks. I think I'm just going to plan on every Saturday being my hardest day of the week. Thursday is the day is starts going downhill. That was always the day he would start saying "Tomorrow is Friday!". Then Fridays are even more of a struggle...our favorite day! The beginning of our weekend. All I can think about is when he would come and visit me on Friday at work during lunch. Then I would rush home to get dinner done for the kids and out the door we would go!

My memories lately are of when he wasn't sick. He struggled so much during this last year. That was all my focus. I forgot about that vibrant, energetic, non-stop man. I found these videos on his phone that he had transferred to his new phone. They were all before he was sick. I laughed, and laughed! He was so funny! I will have to figure out how to post them. He is so cute!

I started clinical (again) this last Tuesday. I have the opportunity to be learning alongside a nurse-practitioner that serves basically the under served, or those without insurance, or can't obtain state health insurance etc. It has been amazing. It is a community health clinic. I'm hoping and praying I can keep myself and my mind together that I can get through this in the next month. I hope to be finished with clinical by or around September 19th. Then to have my last comprehensive examination done by October 1st. And I will be officially finished with school. My goal is to have my board exams done by December and to have all licensing etc finished for January 2012. It better be a better year.

I know this is something Jeremie wanted me to finish. I feel him pushing me out of bed, when I just feel that I can't do it. I know he is by my side as I'm starting to panic at what lays a head of me. And I know he is whispering in my ear and to my heart. I dream every night of him holding out his hand and I'm reaching to grab his, and all I'm captured by is his smile, and the calm that I feel when I see his hand.

My kids seem to be doing pretty good. Everyone started school...well except Scarlett. Still working on that one. Hopefully, fingers crossed we can really get that figured out next week. Meanwhile, I don't know what I would have done without her this week. The poor boys bicycles are being fixed, and I don't want them walking in the 107 degree heat for 45 minutes. It probably could take a normal person 20-30 minutes but these are the little boys we are talking about! They find trouble! So riding their bikes cuts that down to 15 minutes out in this yucky heat.

I try to think about Jeremie not being in pain anymore. I think about all the wonderful parts of our lives. And I think about how mad he would make me sometimes ;-) and how much he would make me laugh! I really try to focus on the day. If I move past the day, my heart just hurts and I can't think straight. He is my love, and unfortunately I think this is something that time will not heal. What other choice do I have but to continue living the life that we worked so hard to build.

Well those are my ramblings today...lets see if I can get out of this soul sucking bed...and clean my house!

Love to all....

08/01/2011

I wanted to post today to tell you all who have supported Jeremie and I throughout this year...Thank you!

I so appreciated seeing so many of you at his viewing and funeral. I wish time could have been slowed down for just a day. I would have loved to spend more time with everyone. I'm so grateful for the love, prayers and sweet thoughts everyone has shared with us, not just on Friday and Saturday but this last year too.

I think the only way I'm gonna try and get up everyday is knowing we have such incredible people in our lives. It was so nice to have a Mom here to take care of kids and food and just being another adult in the house. It really took some pressure off. I'm definitely sad that her presence is gone. But I guess I have to get used to this sometime.

I'm not gonna lie and say I don't hurt and don't just want to curl up in my bed and never come out. I'm seriously fighting that more today then I have in this whole experience. But I guess that is when you make yourself get out of bed. My kids are amazing...they really are trying to make ME feel better. They are incredible little human beings. I think the fog is definitely lifting...and I'm not appreciating feeling and having such clarity of thought at the moment.

I'm hoping I can figure out how to do this without physically having him by my side. I know he is with me. I'm feeling selfish. I want to hear his voice and want him to hug me.

So I personally can use some of your sweet prayers. Hopefully what sanity I have left will remain with me, and really in time I won't hurt so bad. Isn't that what every body says?

Again, Thank you all! Love you all....

Cori & Kids