Hmmm...
So I knew these last several weeks were going to be the hard ones. I knew that a year ago. That a year from now, I wouldn't want to remember these moments. I wouldn't want to remember pain, sadness and emptiness. At least I was prepared for it to be terrible. Valentines day last year was marked by an emergency admittance to LDS hospital to start transplant proceedings fast! It was the day I learned I could let go. It was the day Jeremie begged me to let him go. Pain, pain, pain.
Life is surreal...things you never ever thought you would have to endure. Things you never thought you would have to even think about. Things that you thought should never have to happen. They all did. Even now I sit...and my breathe is taken from me...the reality hits. I'm truly alone. I'm not saying that out of pain or sadness, but just as a matter of fact. And it's odd.
It is funny the things that will bring me to my knee's. Getting off of work...my habit for my whole adult life was to call Jeremie. Do you know I still get off of work and reach for my phone? I went to a conference in Vegas this last week. I was sitting there and all of a sudden I panicked...I forgot to call Jeremie! Ha Ha Ha!!! Huh? I don't even have anyone to check in with. It just weirded me out! I haven't done that in 19 months!
The time thing is funny for me too. Yes he died 7 months ago today. But MY Jeremie was taken from me 19 months ago. My healthy, vibrant, pain in the bum, silly, sarcastic, larger than life, creative, passionate, bossy husband has been gone since July 2010. And my favorite time to remember him is when he wasn't sick. Truly he was such a great friend, I miss that most.
I get whiny every now and again. Actually I think I'm just tired. Single parenthood stinks, I don't recommend it EVER. And not only that, it isn't like I got divorced, and my former spouse will take the kids occasionally. I have them all to myself all the time. Yes, this is why I love my bathtub and my locking bedroom door ;-) And then I think they are stuck with me ALL the time too! Poor kids!
I think we are still adjusting okay? Still figuring out how our little family fits together. I'm a different parent. I'm hoping I'm working on being a better one. One thing about loosing your best friend, is learning that life is so short. And really, the small stuff is just small. Of course I need to tell my OCD brain that and get it on board with that program!
I'm SO excited to be moving! I'm so excited to work on this adorable little house we are buying. And I'm so excited to be living how I've always dreamed. Now, I just have to get my brain tuned into this moving again non-sense ;-)
Despite my whining...I'm so thankful for the gifts in my life. I'm surrounded by incredible friends and family. I've loved experiencing new things, that I have never had the chance to experience before. I'm enjoying learning about myself, and learning to stretch and trust myself. And trying so hard not to be afraid. I can do this :-)
Oh and this Valentine's Day rocked! Here is to next year being full of positive memories and experiences...I think we all deserve them :-)
Love to all...
Cori
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Thursday, February 2, 2012
02/02/2012
Well it has been another couple of weeks of change. Never stops does it! I'm starting to get a bit more confident in making decisions. Still making a lot of mistakes with those decisions, but nothing too life threatening yet ;-) I definitely have a perfection issue. And I'm working so hard to say to myself that "it doesn't have to be perfect", and my brain is saying "are you insane?"
So the big news! We sold the house! Yup! You heard right! The house was listed officially on 01/24/2012, was shown on 01/25/12, and I had two offers on 01/26/2012 and picked the best offer on 01/27/2012. Can you believe it! Nothing in my life goes this easy! NOTHING! I can't believe this is. So I'm closing on 02/27/2012. I'm hoping to close very soon after on my little baby house in PAROWAN!!!! WE ARE SO EXCITED!!! And yes that is WE.
Let me get a couple of misconceptions out of the way about me, myself and I. I am made up of a family unit consisting of Scarlett, Harrison, Jeremie Jr. and Phoenix. WE talk about how we want to live our lives, and what goals and dreams we want to go for. I have explained to them what mine are, I asked if they wanted to go to Parowan and give this little life a shot...my answer, without hesitation was YES! And, can we do it now?! We had the option of staying in our home until the end of the school year. I asked my family. THEY decided that they are ready now, they want to move as soon as possible.
If they told me they didn't want to move, didn't want to switch schools. I would just be figuring out how to have a second job, or maybe finding a higher paying job. While not ideal, I want what is best and least stressful for my children. They are looking forward to a scaled down, relaxed life full of all kinds of different adventures. I'm so blessed to be surrounded by these amazing people I get to call my children.
Alex is going to be moving out February 3rd :-) I'm very excited for him. He has a new girl fiend he adores and is enjoying working at the shop. I'm nervous as a mother, because he is my son, no matter if he is an adult. So I'm struggling on one hand and doing a dance on the other!
While I'm so excited that dreams and goals I have thought about for so long in my life are actually happening. The daily struggle of figuring everything else is still quite daunting to me. I struggle for sure trying to be a mom all by myself. I struggle with the whole alone thing (that one more than I like to admit). So I think that is why I have taken to doing things I've always wanted to do. I've have found myself with quite a bit of time on my hands. My usual M.O. is to then increase the amount of junk I have on my plate. But I have finally learned that isn't effective and I'm sick of feeling stressed out. I like to exercise, still hate anything having to do with scrap booking (YUCK, would rather die!), I like to clean, but really how much of that can you do ALL the time? So my little house will be my project. And part of my little 2 year plan (yes I have those) is to have a horse! Oh and maybe I will throw a DNP in there sometime too ;-)
Well here is to self-discovery!
Lots of Love,
Cori
So the big news! We sold the house! Yup! You heard right! The house was listed officially on 01/24/2012, was shown on 01/25/12, and I had two offers on 01/26/2012 and picked the best offer on 01/27/2012. Can you believe it! Nothing in my life goes this easy! NOTHING! I can't believe this is. So I'm closing on 02/27/2012. I'm hoping to close very soon after on my little baby house in PAROWAN!!!! WE ARE SO EXCITED!!! And yes that is WE.
Let me get a couple of misconceptions out of the way about me, myself and I. I am made up of a family unit consisting of Scarlett, Harrison, Jeremie Jr. and Phoenix. WE talk about how we want to live our lives, and what goals and dreams we want to go for. I have explained to them what mine are, I asked if they wanted to go to Parowan and give this little life a shot...my answer, without hesitation was YES! And, can we do it now?! We had the option of staying in our home until the end of the school year. I asked my family. THEY decided that they are ready now, they want to move as soon as possible.
If they told me they didn't want to move, didn't want to switch schools. I would just be figuring out how to have a second job, or maybe finding a higher paying job. While not ideal, I want what is best and least stressful for my children. They are looking forward to a scaled down, relaxed life full of all kinds of different adventures. I'm so blessed to be surrounded by these amazing people I get to call my children.
Alex is going to be moving out February 3rd :-) I'm very excited for him. He has a new girl fiend he adores and is enjoying working at the shop. I'm nervous as a mother, because he is my son, no matter if he is an adult. So I'm struggling on one hand and doing a dance on the other!
While I'm so excited that dreams and goals I have thought about for so long in my life are actually happening. The daily struggle of figuring everything else is still quite daunting to me. I struggle for sure trying to be a mom all by myself. I struggle with the whole alone thing (that one more than I like to admit). So I think that is why I have taken to doing things I've always wanted to do. I've have found myself with quite a bit of time on my hands. My usual M.O. is to then increase the amount of junk I have on my plate. But I have finally learned that isn't effective and I'm sick of feeling stressed out. I like to exercise, still hate anything having to do with scrap booking (YUCK, would rather die!), I like to clean, but really how much of that can you do ALL the time? So my little house will be my project. And part of my little 2 year plan (yes I have those) is to have a horse! Oh and maybe I will throw a DNP in there sometime too ;-)
Well here is to self-discovery!
Lots of Love,
Cori
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