I must be needing to study. The blog seems more interesting right now. Actually everything seems more interesting right now. Something is wrong with this picture. A) I'm writing on the blog on Friday night and B) I'm studying on Friday night. These are not my greatest days...eck. This is supposed to be my date night...grrrr! Where is my date? He better be doing something really cool right now, cause I'm getting really annoyed at having to find other things to do with my time ;-) Yeah, I miss him. Duh, huh?
So do you think there is anything wrong with wanting to duct tape your children? I'm debating on buying Costco size bulk duct tape package's. Again...miss the other parent around. He used to do the whole student/parent meeting nightmare. I love doing it...nothing makes me happier (insert heavy sarcasm). Mix with that the challenges of having an 18 year old that is driving me NUTS!!!
I'm fighting with every fiber in my being to be nice and polite to the sweet little children that share our home. But I'm thinking of asking them to call me something different than Mom. I miss when they were little. I could bath them, feed them, love them and easily entertain them. Now I feel like I haven't left work when I come home. Cause it just continues ;-)
I'm finding myself, doing anything and everything different that I can. Doing things that are quite stretching and growing for myself. I find that I become quite proud of myself, and exhausted because I have sent my anxiety through the roof. But I have learned that life is short (get out of town...right?).
Well my kids are little monsters, nothing has changed on that front. I'm still not on the behavioral health unit (amazing I know!) and I'm hopefully going to be taking my test super soon. So I will get done with whining and on with studying...but thanks for letting me take the break :-)
Love to all...
Cori
Friday, November 18, 2011
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
11-9-11
Fair warning...I'm super whiny.
My brain feels like mush. I used to know how to think. And I used to be really clear in the direction I wanted to go in my life. I used to be really confident and know exactly who I am and what I wanted to improve on.
Cori, or who was formerly known as Cori ran away. I'm not quite sure where she went or if she is ever going to be back. I hope wherever she is, she is enjoying herself. Because who is left behind is seriously freaked out, and really doesn't want to do this anymore.
The more time that goes by without Jeremie, the more difficult it seems to be getting. I think it was easier in the beginning. Odd huh? My best friend, the other side of my brain, the tender, sweet, funny half of me died. I'm left with a shell, and don't know how to fill it anymore. I used to think that I understood what existence was for. I used to think that I could get through all of these challenges that life threw at me. That with faith, hope and love all things would be alright. Do I still have those things? Of course. But they feel different. I feel different. It certainly isn't pleasant.
Grief and pain are so individual. I'm blessed to work with amazing people everyday, who I attempt to throw at them what is floating around in my brain, and they come up with amazing ideas and thoughts that might help me better deal with my day to day life. For moments these are helpful. Frequently, however I am left still empty. Alone in my head trying to figure out how in the world I am supposed to figure this all out.
The soul-crushing pain that has decided to make an appearance lately is quite a surprise. Jeremie used to say his bone pain could be described as an exquisite sort of pain. I understand what he means by that now. I'm taken by surprise when it hits me. The oddest of moments. The oddest of circumstances. My breathe is taken from me daily. I want to hear his perspective, I want to hear him get mad, I want to hear that he loves me and I want him to laugh at his kids.
I have this wall that jumps up in front of me and I slam into it every time I expect to hear his comments or see his face and expression. I am so honored and touched by people that want to help me through this. I just don't know how to go about it. I think I just have to go through it, there is no way around it. There is no way to pretend it doesn't exist. And trying to be patient enough with myself to work through this terrible pain is difficult.
I'm struggling with day to day existence of not having Jeremie by my side to raise a large family and maintain our home, cars and life. Even though he was sick the last year, I could call him, or run something into him, or talk to him about what I was attempting to fix or do. Just having him laugh at me because I was swearing at the toilet, made it all okay. I know I am surrounded by people that want to help me. But I just want to be able to do it myself. I sound like a 4 year old! Trying to figure out how to do this on my own is a process. I know it is painful to look at or be around. Be patient with me. I promise I will ask for help if I need it. At some point I have to learn to do this...alone. I know, I know...I'm not alone. But I am.
It is funny I was asking a friend how they did the whole single-parent thing. I laughed because it struck a cord with me. I'm hard-wired for certain things. Like laundry, cleaning, making my kids brush their teeth, herding them etc. But I'm not hard-wired for other things, such as school projects or Halloween, or jokes. Trying to put a package together in myself to make-up for those other things is a real struggle, while also mixing in Who is Cori...where did she go...is she going to be different forever?
I decided to play with Jeremie's Ipod yesterday. This song popped up first...ugh...just pain, and a perfect description...Youtube had the video...of course I just cry...http://youtu.be/5anLPw0Efmo
I just miss my friend. He knew me like no other. Inside and out. I just ache and feel a bit broken. But again, duct tape is an alternative.
Love you all...
Cori
My brain feels like mush. I used to know how to think. And I used to be really clear in the direction I wanted to go in my life. I used to be really confident and know exactly who I am and what I wanted to improve on.
Cori, or who was formerly known as Cori ran away. I'm not quite sure where she went or if she is ever going to be back. I hope wherever she is, she is enjoying herself. Because who is left behind is seriously freaked out, and really doesn't want to do this anymore.
The more time that goes by without Jeremie, the more difficult it seems to be getting. I think it was easier in the beginning. Odd huh? My best friend, the other side of my brain, the tender, sweet, funny half of me died. I'm left with a shell, and don't know how to fill it anymore. I used to think that I understood what existence was for. I used to think that I could get through all of these challenges that life threw at me. That with faith, hope and love all things would be alright. Do I still have those things? Of course. But they feel different. I feel different. It certainly isn't pleasant.
Grief and pain are so individual. I'm blessed to work with amazing people everyday, who I attempt to throw at them what is floating around in my brain, and they come up with amazing ideas and thoughts that might help me better deal with my day to day life. For moments these are helpful. Frequently, however I am left still empty. Alone in my head trying to figure out how in the world I am supposed to figure this all out.
The soul-crushing pain that has decided to make an appearance lately is quite a surprise. Jeremie used to say his bone pain could be described as an exquisite sort of pain. I understand what he means by that now. I'm taken by surprise when it hits me. The oddest of moments. The oddest of circumstances. My breathe is taken from me daily. I want to hear his perspective, I want to hear him get mad, I want to hear that he loves me and I want him to laugh at his kids.
I have this wall that jumps up in front of me and I slam into it every time I expect to hear his comments or see his face and expression. I am so honored and touched by people that want to help me through this. I just don't know how to go about it. I think I just have to go through it, there is no way around it. There is no way to pretend it doesn't exist. And trying to be patient enough with myself to work through this terrible pain is difficult.
I'm struggling with day to day existence of not having Jeremie by my side to raise a large family and maintain our home, cars and life. Even though he was sick the last year, I could call him, or run something into him, or talk to him about what I was attempting to fix or do. Just having him laugh at me because I was swearing at the toilet, made it all okay. I know I am surrounded by people that want to help me. But I just want to be able to do it myself. I sound like a 4 year old! Trying to figure out how to do this on my own is a process. I know it is painful to look at or be around. Be patient with me. I promise I will ask for help if I need it. At some point I have to learn to do this...alone. I know, I know...I'm not alone. But I am.
It is funny I was asking a friend how they did the whole single-parent thing. I laughed because it struck a cord with me. I'm hard-wired for certain things. Like laundry, cleaning, making my kids brush their teeth, herding them etc. But I'm not hard-wired for other things, such as school projects or Halloween, or jokes. Trying to put a package together in myself to make-up for those other things is a real struggle, while also mixing in Who is Cori...where did she go...is she going to be different forever?
I decided to play with Jeremie's Ipod yesterday. This song popped up first...ugh...just pain, and a perfect description...Youtube had the video...of course I just cry...http://youtu.be/5anLPw0Efmo
I just miss my friend. He knew me like no other. Inside and out. I just ache and feel a bit broken. But again, duct tape is an alternative.
Love you all...
Cori
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