I've been running a little crazy the last several weeks. I haven't had time to blog. But I'm at work, everyone has left, and I have a moment of peace.
A year ago Jeremie and I had the best Halloween! It was our first Holiday together in our house. He dressed up as a Rock-Star and I was a sloppy pink bunny. It was so much fun! He took the kids trick-or-treating and I stayed at home and passed out the candy. The kids had so much fun with him. He felt good, he looked good and we where getting ready for the next day for Salt Lake. Jeremie would be receiving his third consolidation. Sadly November 1st, is when we found out he had two chloromas or leukemia tumors on his spine. Our whole world changed yet again. So this time of year is turning very difficult for me.
I have struggled over the last several weeks with the logistics of being a single parent of five children. It is awful. I wish Jeremie was here, even if he just could hear me whine. I'm afraid my poor co-workers just can't hear about it anymore. Poor things, they try so hard to be here and there and accommodating to me. And it is the epitome of my worst fear. To be the pathetic, widowed, single-parent. I'm just not digging that whole role right now. I have worked so hard in my life to be independent, and self-sufficient. This is really putting me out!
I have a lot of things I'm debating on changing or making my life simpler right now. I have been thinking about selling the motorcycle and the Yukon to get a more efficient and cheaper car to run. I just hate making these types of decisions by myself. I have no feedback. I have no other perspective of making life-changing decisions. I'm good at the whole priority thing, and which comes first. But trying to put some sort of order and resemblance of life and role back into my being is proving to be the most difficult.
I haven't been able to study this past week for my test. I've been too overwhelmed with my children and their individual crisis's and issues. I'm again really missing the man that took such good care of me. He just babied me and loved me. I can't tell you how much I miss being me, and I miss him close.
Well here is for praying for a better week. Today wasn't the greatest day, but tomorrow the sun will shine again.
I miss you all so much...I love my wonderful friends and family.
Love to all!
Cori
Monday, October 31, 2011
Monday, October 17, 2011
10-17-2011
Despite last week being particularly challenging. We had a wonderful weekend. Sweet Jeremie Jr. turned 11! Yay! He decided he wanted to go to Salt Lake and have Grandma give him a birthday (THANK YOU GRANDMA). We had another great surprise when we went up. Carla (my Aunt & Uncle), Chris and their boys! And sweet Travis, his wife Stephanie and their DARLING baby boy Gage. Just what my soul needed! We had a lot of fun hanging out with them. We went to the zoo on Saturday for Jeremie's birthday. Haven't been there forever! It really was a lot of fun.
It's sort of fun to have a blog sometimes. Instead of studying for my test I can write dumb things on and on in the middle of the world wide web ;-) ha ha ha. It feels weird to be finished with school. I mean I know I'm not until I finish my comprehensive exam. But I don't have any more papers, no more classes, nothing. CRAZY! I have been looking at my next degree...I have to apply January 15th for my post-masters. But if accepted I won't have to start until next fall. So a nice break. OOh and then I found out the University of Utah has a distance PhD program ;-) super interested in that. Half thinking if I don't get into the post-masters for psych I will apply for the PhD program in Genetics. That fascinates me. Especially in terms of cancer and genetics. So many places to go with that.
Funny huh? I'm incredibly disgusted and frustrated with cancer and absolutely fascinated by it in the next breath, that I want to go into research? Yeah...maybe a good stay in B-Med would be beneficial. Speaking of b-med. I had one of my clients last week tell me that I'm a good psych nurse because I "understand" what it is like. Hmmm...how do I take that? I didn't have the guts to ask what was meant by that. I can only assume ;-)
This week I'm attempting just to focus on each day. I'm not going to dive into anything too major emotionally this week. I wasn't ready last week when I attempted. There is never a moment my sweet Jeremie is not on my mind. Sometimes it is hard not to sound depressing. Breathe in and breathe out. That is what I'm practicing this week. I don't know, its a theory anyway. I'll let you know next week if it works.
Love you all...
Cori
It's sort of fun to have a blog sometimes. Instead of studying for my test I can write dumb things on and on in the middle of the world wide web ;-) ha ha ha. It feels weird to be finished with school. I mean I know I'm not until I finish my comprehensive exam. But I don't have any more papers, no more classes, nothing. CRAZY! I have been looking at my next degree...I have to apply January 15th for my post-masters. But if accepted I won't have to start until next fall. So a nice break. OOh and then I found out the University of Utah has a distance PhD program ;-) super interested in that. Half thinking if I don't get into the post-masters for psych I will apply for the PhD program in Genetics. That fascinates me. Especially in terms of cancer and genetics. So many places to go with that.
Funny huh? I'm incredibly disgusted and frustrated with cancer and absolutely fascinated by it in the next breath, that I want to go into research? Yeah...maybe a good stay in B-Med would be beneficial. Speaking of b-med. I had one of my clients last week tell me that I'm a good psych nurse because I "understand" what it is like. Hmmm...how do I take that? I didn't have the guts to ask what was meant by that. I can only assume ;-)
This week I'm attempting just to focus on each day. I'm not going to dive into anything too major emotionally this week. I wasn't ready last week when I attempted. There is never a moment my sweet Jeremie is not on my mind. Sometimes it is hard not to sound depressing. Breathe in and breathe out. That is what I'm practicing this week. I don't know, its a theory anyway. I'll let you know next week if it works.
Love you all...
Cori
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
10-11-11
Ka Ka...Leukemia sucks. What a soul crushing, devastating disease. I'm such a dummy, I just open my heart up to tragedy and see if I can cause myself some more pain. I have read a couple of other blogs on AML. Does anyone survive? Is everyone just tortured for a while with chemo and radiation...throw in a transplant for some extra torture...and then die? Good Heavens.
I made another really dumb mistake and decided to watch Jeremie's tribute video by his brother Robin. Yeah I pretty much spent last night bawling my eyes out. I'm not sure what I'm searching for, I'm not sure what I'm looking for. What I'm grasping at?
How do you make sense out of all of this? How do you go forward? What does that really mean? It's so odd...I think in the back of my head that something magical would happen, or I would wake up and this would be a nightmare. Just pretend...right? I want to understand it all. But then I don't, cause I can't make sense of it in my brain.
Sorry for the negative post...this is the reality of my life. The up and down of everyday. I'm always grateful for our gifts and blessings. I'm also so incredibly sad. I wanted to read those blogs and see miracles that people live after leukemia. That for some, all of the sacrifices and pain was worth it. I just didn't find those stories today.
Hmmm...praying for those sweet families who have lost those sweet loved ones, praying for those families battling this disease. Praying I can get a grip.
Here is the link for Robin's incredible video for Jeremie. I'm so blessed to have been loved by this man. To have been accepted 100% for everything I am, to have been told that I'm beautiful and sweet and smart everyday...especially when I was feeling ugly, mean and dumb. That is all I see in this video, how much he loved us. http://youtu.be/tkgulAZRPE0
Breath in and breath out...all I have to do right?
I made another really dumb mistake and decided to watch Jeremie's tribute video by his brother Robin. Yeah I pretty much spent last night bawling my eyes out. I'm not sure what I'm searching for, I'm not sure what I'm looking for. What I'm grasping at?
How do you make sense out of all of this? How do you go forward? What does that really mean? It's so odd...I think in the back of my head that something magical would happen, or I would wake up and this would be a nightmare. Just pretend...right? I want to understand it all. But then I don't, cause I can't make sense of it in my brain.
Sorry for the negative post...this is the reality of my life. The up and down of everyday. I'm always grateful for our gifts and blessings. I'm also so incredibly sad. I wanted to read those blogs and see miracles that people live after leukemia. That for some, all of the sacrifices and pain was worth it. I just didn't find those stories today.
Hmmm...praying for those sweet families who have lost those sweet loved ones, praying for those families battling this disease. Praying I can get a grip.
Here is the link for Robin's incredible video for Jeremie. I'm so blessed to have been loved by this man. To have been accepted 100% for everything I am, to have been told that I'm beautiful and sweet and smart everyday...especially when I was feeling ugly, mean and dumb. That is all I see in this video, how much he loved us. http://youtu.be/tkgulAZRPE0
Breath in and breath out...all I have to do right?
Sunday, October 9, 2011
10-09-2011
Well I made it to work 3 1/2 days last week! Woo Hoo! Kicked my ever lovin' behind, but I think it was good to get back to normal life. I missed work too! Plus I'm obnoxious when I'm sitting at home. All I see is carpets I need to clean, blinds that need to be dusted and bathrooms that need to be washed. At work I walk, sit, chart and do some injections. A little bit easier on me physically than home ;-)
Then I thought if I can go to work, then I can go to church. So after 15 months of living in my ward we went to church. All 3 meetings! Yeah...I'm pretty impressed with us too :-) It was nice, and very uplifting. We all felt good after church today. I think we have been missing that in our lives. Of course I love the first Sunday of the month. Babies being blessed! My favorite! It is such a sweet reminder of what gifts there are in this life. Another really cool thing...my kids are all older. I look around my ward and smile and giggle at the cute little toddlers and babies. It sort of relaxing for me now. Kids are quiet, listening and taking in sacrament, instead of figuring out a way to make me insane.
I felt Jeremie so close to me today. I have been struggling a bit this week. Just missing him like crazy. I miss him making me laugh. And boy he was gorgeous. I miss his green eyes, his smile and his laughter. I miss how he could distract me more than anything or anybody in this world. He occupies my thoughts all the time. I was having a hard Thursday last week. All I wanted to do was call him and tell him it was hard, I hurt, I was stressed and I needed to hear that he wished he could fix it, and hearing him say that....would fix it. I woke up Saturday morning, and I swear he was right next to me. Before I opened my eyes I just felt so happy, and was thinking how I was going to wake him up and we were going to have an adventure today. I must have been in a dream. I turned towards his side...no Jeremie...eck...awful emptiness.
Being with Jeremie the night he passed away was such a gift. It reminds me that he is close by, not far, and what I believe is true. We are eternal companions. When I think about how everything unfolded, it was a gift. To have him in my arms, telling him how much I loved him, how much his kids loved him and that he could go home now. What a truly sacred and intimate experience. The joy that was surrounding us both as he was passing from this world into another is difficult to describe. I didn't understand that is what I was feeling until I called my children and his parents to tell them he passed away. Their grief, sadness and loss hit me hard, from the opposite feeling I had been engulfed in. To share in the emotion/feeling that was there is what holds me together today. I do not know the "plan". I have whispers in my ear sometimes, that he is always here now, and can be with us in a way he wasn't able to be before. It's funny when I am struggling most, is when these little whispers come to me. I was feeling like it isn't fair to have the love of my life taken from me and from my kids, and a whisper came to me that I'm not alone. This happens everyday. I'm not being picked on. It just is. Sounds weird, but it comforted me. No wonder I like to work in psych huh?
Well enough of my ramblings...We are doing good. I'm healing fast and feeling good. I again, am so thankful for the sweet things in our lives. We are truly blessed, even in our sadness. Sounds so corny but it's true.
Love you all...
Cori
Then I thought if I can go to work, then I can go to church. So after 15 months of living in my ward we went to church. All 3 meetings! Yeah...I'm pretty impressed with us too :-) It was nice, and very uplifting. We all felt good after church today. I think we have been missing that in our lives. Of course I love the first Sunday of the month. Babies being blessed! My favorite! It is such a sweet reminder of what gifts there are in this life. Another really cool thing...my kids are all older. I look around my ward and smile and giggle at the cute little toddlers and babies. It sort of relaxing for me now. Kids are quiet, listening and taking in sacrament, instead of figuring out a way to make me insane.
I felt Jeremie so close to me today. I have been struggling a bit this week. Just missing him like crazy. I miss him making me laugh. And boy he was gorgeous. I miss his green eyes, his smile and his laughter. I miss how he could distract me more than anything or anybody in this world. He occupies my thoughts all the time. I was having a hard Thursday last week. All I wanted to do was call him and tell him it was hard, I hurt, I was stressed and I needed to hear that he wished he could fix it, and hearing him say that....would fix it. I woke up Saturday morning, and I swear he was right next to me. Before I opened my eyes I just felt so happy, and was thinking how I was going to wake him up and we were going to have an adventure today. I must have been in a dream. I turned towards his side...no Jeremie...eck...awful emptiness.
Being with Jeremie the night he passed away was such a gift. It reminds me that he is close by, not far, and what I believe is true. We are eternal companions. When I think about how everything unfolded, it was a gift. To have him in my arms, telling him how much I loved him, how much his kids loved him and that he could go home now. What a truly sacred and intimate experience. The joy that was surrounding us both as he was passing from this world into another is difficult to describe. I didn't understand that is what I was feeling until I called my children and his parents to tell them he passed away. Their grief, sadness and loss hit me hard, from the opposite feeling I had been engulfed in. To share in the emotion/feeling that was there is what holds me together today. I do not know the "plan". I have whispers in my ear sometimes, that he is always here now, and can be with us in a way he wasn't able to be before. It's funny when I am struggling most, is when these little whispers come to me. I was feeling like it isn't fair to have the love of my life taken from me and from my kids, and a whisper came to me that I'm not alone. This happens everyday. I'm not being picked on. It just is. Sounds weird, but it comforted me. No wonder I like to work in psych huh?
Well enough of my ramblings...We are doing good. I'm healing fast and feeling good. I again, am so thankful for the sweet things in our lives. We are truly blessed, even in our sadness. Sounds so corny but it's true.
Love you all...
Cori
Saturday, October 1, 2011
10-01-2011
Man...what a rough week! Seriously LOVE my mother. Don't know what I would have done without her. My last "surgery" was in 1997 when I had an ectopic pregnancy. That was crazy painful. BUT this was NUTS! I'm never, ever having surgery again. Yuck! It went well though. I'm still just way whiny about it.
I think about everything my sweet Jeremie went through with all of his various medical procedures. It definitely gave me a different perspective, and helped me to suck it up a bit ;-) I know in the end I will feel better, have some more energy and less inconvenience. Holy Cow that was hard though.
Well I finished clinical last week! Woo Hoo! In fact technically, I should be working on finishing my paper work for getting ready to take my last exam. But I decided it was a lot more fun to write on my blog. Plus I'm sick of writing erythema and exudate. Blah.
I miss my sweet Jeremie, especially right now. Even though me and sick were never high on his "like" list. I just wanted him to rub my back and tell me he felt sorry for me. He was really good at that! I am glad I don't have to hear "you NEED to get a hysterectomy!" from him. Poor guy, I wait until he is gone to do it. But I couldn't imagine doing this at any other time. And I know he is with me.
There are struggles that each of us are going through. I know I'm not alone in mine. This time in clinical really was therapeutic. This is a difficult time we all live in. So many people without jobs, health care and struggling with health problems. It was perhaps the most healing thing that I could have done. Of course I can say that cause I'm done. I think last week I was saying I'm nuts. But this week, I'm seeing how it is helping me move a little forward.
I continue to be so thankful for my neighbors, friends and family that continue to love and pray for us. We feel it, and thank you for staying with us.
Love you all...
Cori
I think about everything my sweet Jeremie went through with all of his various medical procedures. It definitely gave me a different perspective, and helped me to suck it up a bit ;-) I know in the end I will feel better, have some more energy and less inconvenience. Holy Cow that was hard though.
Well I finished clinical last week! Woo Hoo! In fact technically, I should be working on finishing my paper work for getting ready to take my last exam. But I decided it was a lot more fun to write on my blog. Plus I'm sick of writing erythema and exudate. Blah.
I miss my sweet Jeremie, especially right now. Even though me and sick were never high on his "like" list. I just wanted him to rub my back and tell me he felt sorry for me. He was really good at that! I am glad I don't have to hear "you NEED to get a hysterectomy!" from him. Poor guy, I wait until he is gone to do it. But I couldn't imagine doing this at any other time. And I know he is with me.
There are struggles that each of us are going through. I know I'm not alone in mine. This time in clinical really was therapeutic. This is a difficult time we all live in. So many people without jobs, health care and struggling with health problems. It was perhaps the most healing thing that I could have done. Of course I can say that cause I'm done. I think last week I was saying I'm nuts. But this week, I'm seeing how it is helping me move a little forward.
I continue to be so thankful for my neighbors, friends and family that continue to love and pray for us. We feel it, and thank you for staying with us.
Love you all...
Cori
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