I'm trying to find anything to do but my homework! One last paper!!!! Of course it is my big paper. Next week is my last week of clinical!!!! WOO HOO!!! Not that school ends there. I then get to take my comprehensive exam and then my boards. So I'm still a bit away from being "finished". But the hard stuff is out of the way.
Next Monday I will be getting rid of my girlie parts or I'm having a hysterectomy. Something I have been contemplating for years. Now I'm just done. So part two of taking care of me will be happening Monday. Thank goodness for Moms, mine will be coming to help take care of the kids while I recover.
Our poor PePe (Jeremie's dad) has been so sick. He had a surgical procedure performed last Tuesday and Wednesday was admitted to ICU for aspiration pneumonia. He was released Friday. It hurts me to see him so sick. Jeremie's was/is a lot like his dad. You can't sit on either one of them! They are just workers that Saville Family!
For Jeremie's birthday we went to Oscar's in Springdale (by Zions National Park). It hurt my soul, but was wonderful at the same time. It is a place my best friend and I would go after we would take our exams in nursing school. A reward we would give ourselves. Then I introduced it to Jeremie. So many different adventures we have had at that wonderful restaurant.
Well trying to get through each day. This has been a good week. I think this next week will be as well. I'm so grateful for our friends and family and neighbors. I can't believe how blessed we are. Thank you all for helping me and my kids through this.
Love to all...
Cori
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Friday, September 9, 2011
09-09-2011
What an interesting week. Jeremie used to hate when I said "interesting" cause it usual meant something was wrong with him! So..perhaps he is right...something is wrong. I'm trying to figure out so many things. Comprehending my life at the moment is a challenge. Sometimes I wonder where lil' Jer got the autism spectrum disorder ;-) I can be a bit on the analytical side of things.
Well I did something really fun last week...or I should say Jess my darling hair dresser did something fun for me...I have long hair! So much fun. At least I didn't shave it huh? Well I think my mom is happy I didn't shave it. You can usually tell if I'm in crisis as my hair will be very short. Thank goodness for a smart, beautiful and creative friend who does extensions! So my morning now is spent figuring out my stupid hair. Yeah...I'm not really into that stuff. But I have to say it is a welcome distraction ;-)
A very momentous day is coming up...I'm scared, to be honest. September 12th is Jeremie's Birthday. And all I can think about is where I want to whisk him off to, what I want to give him, and how special I want to make the day. My heart just hurts.
Sometimes I feel him so close to me, that I swear I can hear him. Other times, I just ache to hold him. And then sometimes I am so stinking tired I just miss having the extra adult body in the house with me! I miss being able to say "I can't do it anymore...will you?". How do single parents do this? Really...it is crazy! I keep thinking...I HAD FIVE...ON PURPOSE...jeez Louise.
I think...just think mind you...that I am getting the hang of this whole family nurse practitioner thing. The panic is starting to wear off, and I'm starting to be able to think through things a bit. At least I think I can get through the exam, diagnosing and prescriptions. Charting...my next problem. So awesome to be thrown into a student situation. You get to chart on the clinics stupid system, then you get to chart on your school system, then you get to write case studies after all this stupid charting!
I went to work on Wednesday. It was heaven to actually know what in the world I was doing. Felt like a vacation. So excited to get this part of my life over so I can return to some normalcy. Again...what was I thinking? I'm pretty sure though I am going to get my post-masters in psych and focus on children and adolescents. I like psych...cause I'm psycho ;-) hee hee hee!
Jeremie is definitely with me during the more challenging parts of clinical. It is usually when I know what he would be saying if he was a fly on the wall. He would just die seeing some of this stuff. It cracks me up! I sure miss his sense of humor...and sarcasm. I miss him asking me if I wash my hands! Ha Ha Ha....that used to annoy me to no end! Duh...I wash my hands. But he JUST had to ask.
I miss him most when I'm frustrated, excited, bored, happy, sad, depressed, pretty much all the time. It kills me every time I have a break or get to my car to go home and I reach for my cell-phone to call him. So usually I end up talking to myself in the car as if he was sitting right there.
I have to share a dream I had. I was talking to Jeremie asking him if I could come visit him every night. If I could just do that I would be fine. I promise. He told me I couldn't because I wouldn't go back and he wouldn't be able to make me go back. I was so sad. When I woke up I just laughed because I realized he was right. I'm stubborn, I would get there and say too bad, I'm staying! And he wouldn't have the heart to tell me no. I'm trying to hold on to that. I can't go.
I wish I could say it is getting easier, but it just isn't. Am I living without him...obviously, grrrr just selfish and whiny. I sure love you Jeremie. Someday I can't wait to hear about your day, and what you did today and what you created today...I miss that most.
Well...off to write a paper on ethics....blah
Love to all...
Cori
Well I did something really fun last week...or I should say Jess my darling hair dresser did something fun for me...I have long hair! So much fun. At least I didn't shave it huh? Well I think my mom is happy I didn't shave it. You can usually tell if I'm in crisis as my hair will be very short. Thank goodness for a smart, beautiful and creative friend who does extensions! So my morning now is spent figuring out my stupid hair. Yeah...I'm not really into that stuff. But I have to say it is a welcome distraction ;-)
A very momentous day is coming up...I'm scared, to be honest. September 12th is Jeremie's Birthday. And all I can think about is where I want to whisk him off to, what I want to give him, and how special I want to make the day. My heart just hurts.
Sometimes I feel him so close to me, that I swear I can hear him. Other times, I just ache to hold him. And then sometimes I am so stinking tired I just miss having the extra adult body in the house with me! I miss being able to say "I can't do it anymore...will you?". How do single parents do this? Really...it is crazy! I keep thinking...I HAD FIVE...ON PURPOSE...jeez Louise.
I think...just think mind you...that I am getting the hang of this whole family nurse practitioner thing. The panic is starting to wear off, and I'm starting to be able to think through things a bit. At least I think I can get through the exam, diagnosing and prescriptions. Charting...my next problem. So awesome to be thrown into a student situation. You get to chart on the clinics stupid system, then you get to chart on your school system, then you get to write case studies after all this stupid charting!
I went to work on Wednesday. It was heaven to actually know what in the world I was doing. Felt like a vacation. So excited to get this part of my life over so I can return to some normalcy. Again...what was I thinking? I'm pretty sure though I am going to get my post-masters in psych and focus on children and adolescents. I like psych...cause I'm psycho ;-) hee hee hee!
Jeremie is definitely with me during the more challenging parts of clinical. It is usually when I know what he would be saying if he was a fly on the wall. He would just die seeing some of this stuff. It cracks me up! I sure miss his sense of humor...and sarcasm. I miss him asking me if I wash my hands! Ha Ha Ha....that used to annoy me to no end! Duh...I wash my hands. But he JUST had to ask.
I miss him most when I'm frustrated, excited, bored, happy, sad, depressed, pretty much all the time. It kills me every time I have a break or get to my car to go home and I reach for my cell-phone to call him. So usually I end up talking to myself in the car as if he was sitting right there.
I have to share a dream I had. I was talking to Jeremie asking him if I could come visit him every night. If I could just do that I would be fine. I promise. He told me I couldn't because I wouldn't go back and he wouldn't be able to make me go back. I was so sad. When I woke up I just laughed because I realized he was right. I'm stubborn, I would get there and say too bad, I'm staying! And he wouldn't have the heart to tell me no. I'm trying to hold on to that. I can't go.
I wish I could say it is getting easier, but it just isn't. Am I living without him...obviously, grrrr just selfish and whiny. I sure love you Jeremie. Someday I can't wait to hear about your day, and what you did today and what you created today...I miss that most.
Well...off to write a paper on ethics....blah
Love to all...
Cori
Friday, September 2, 2011
09/02/2011
Well each day keeps turning into another day. Weird how the sun keeps coming up each day. I've definitely battled some very difficult days in the last several weeks. Hardest of my life. I miss that darn man so much. I have had to tell myself to pull it together and get a grip. So I'm attempting to fake it until I make it.
Clinical has been well...clinical. Super difficult. Definitely not in my comfort zone. And is that a good thing right now? That is what I keep asking myself? But I really have no choice. I have to get it done. I can say today it has been good this week. I am learning so much, and really find I love the work I am doing. I do like seeing it "all", as opposed to just one thing. It is definitely "family" practice.
I'm struggling coming out of this fog my brain has been in for so long. I have a couple of papers to write. I have been writing various papers for the last 7 years of my life, in APA format. On Monday in the middle of attempting to write my paper I couldn't for the life of me remember how to format my title page?? It took me hours to write a 6 page paper on APRN credentialing! Grrrrr....so frustrating! So I am easily overwhelmed. I can't wait to get back to work, and just work and come home every night, and not have to worry any more about this junk.
Kids are doing ok. I think they are also attempting to get the hang of life. They seem to be adjusting well. We just go through the motions of our life, trying to make sense of it, trying to find our place and understanding of what we are doing. We are all "here" but it's a numb sort of here. All of us trying to sort out our homework, sort out each day, and keep going. Miraculously we do it.
Sometimes I actually think the pain is less. I think that it will be okay, and we will be happy again. Then I get whacked upside the head with overwhelming emptiness. I guess normal. I can only imagine how this hurts Jeremie, it is the only thing that will pull me out of it sometimes. He just hated it when I would say I was depressed or upset. So I imagine the hurt on the poor mans face thinking he can't fix this.
I am such a blessed person. I have healthy kids, a wonderful job, an opportunity to go to school, I live in an amazing neighborhood, surrounded by amazing people, and wonderful friends and family. I know that not everyone is surrounded such as we are. I'm so thankful...I really couldn't do it without you all. I'm so blessed to have the amazing life I have.
Thanks for letting me ramble today. Definitely turning into my own personal diary!
Clinical has been well...clinical. Super difficult. Definitely not in my comfort zone. And is that a good thing right now? That is what I keep asking myself? But I really have no choice. I have to get it done. I can say today it has been good this week. I am learning so much, and really find I love the work I am doing. I do like seeing it "all", as opposed to just one thing. It is definitely "family" practice.
I'm struggling coming out of this fog my brain has been in for so long. I have a couple of papers to write. I have been writing various papers for the last 7 years of my life, in APA format. On Monday in the middle of attempting to write my paper I couldn't for the life of me remember how to format my title page?? It took me hours to write a 6 page paper on APRN credentialing! Grrrrr....so frustrating! So I am easily overwhelmed. I can't wait to get back to work, and just work and come home every night, and not have to worry any more about this junk.
Kids are doing ok. I think they are also attempting to get the hang of life. They seem to be adjusting well. We just go through the motions of our life, trying to make sense of it, trying to find our place and understanding of what we are doing. We are all "here" but it's a numb sort of here. All of us trying to sort out our homework, sort out each day, and keep going. Miraculously we do it.
Sometimes I actually think the pain is less. I think that it will be okay, and we will be happy again. Then I get whacked upside the head with overwhelming emptiness. I guess normal. I can only imagine how this hurts Jeremie, it is the only thing that will pull me out of it sometimes. He just hated it when I would say I was depressed or upset. So I imagine the hurt on the poor mans face thinking he can't fix this.
I am such a blessed person. I have healthy kids, a wonderful job, an opportunity to go to school, I live in an amazing neighborhood, surrounded by amazing people, and wonderful friends and family. I know that not everyone is surrounded such as we are. I'm so thankful...I really couldn't do it without you all. I'm so blessed to have the amazing life I have.
Thanks for letting me ramble today. Definitely turning into my own personal diary!
Saturday, August 20, 2011
08/20/2011
My Jeremie has been gone for 4 weeks. I think I'm just going to plan on every Saturday being my hardest day of the week. Thursday is the day is starts going downhill. That was always the day he would start saying "Tomorrow is Friday!". Then Fridays are even more of a struggle...our favorite day! The beginning of our weekend. All I can think about is when he would come and visit me on Friday at work during lunch. Then I would rush home to get dinner done for the kids and out the door we would go!
My memories lately are of when he wasn't sick. He struggled so much during this last year. That was all my focus. I forgot about that vibrant, energetic, non-stop man. I found these videos on his phone that he had transferred to his new phone. They were all before he was sick. I laughed, and laughed! He was so funny! I will have to figure out how to post them. He is so cute!
I started clinical (again) this last Tuesday. I have the opportunity to be learning alongside a nurse-practitioner that serves basically the under served, or those without insurance, or can't obtain state health insurance etc. It has been amazing. It is a community health clinic. I'm hoping and praying I can keep myself and my mind together that I can get through this in the next month. I hope to be finished with clinical by or around September 19th. Then to have my last comprehensive examination done by October 1st. And I will be officially finished with school. My goal is to have my board exams done by December and to have all licensing etc finished for January 2012. It better be a better year.
I know this is something Jeremie wanted me to finish. I feel him pushing me out of bed, when I just feel that I can't do it. I know he is by my side as I'm starting to panic at what lays a head of me. And I know he is whispering in my ear and to my heart. I dream every night of him holding out his hand and I'm reaching to grab his, and all I'm captured by is his smile, and the calm that I feel when I see his hand.
My kids seem to be doing pretty good. Everyone started school...well except Scarlett. Still working on that one. Hopefully, fingers crossed we can really get that figured out next week. Meanwhile, I don't know what I would have done without her this week. The poor boys bicycles are being fixed, and I don't want them walking in the 107 degree heat for 45 minutes. It probably could take a normal person 20-30 minutes but these are the little boys we are talking about! They find trouble! So riding their bikes cuts that down to 15 minutes out in this yucky heat.
I try to think about Jeremie not being in pain anymore. I think about all the wonderful parts of our lives. And I think about how mad he would make me sometimes ;-) and how much he would make me laugh! I really try to focus on the day. If I move past the day, my heart just hurts and I can't think straight. He is my love, and unfortunately I think this is something that time will not heal. What other choice do I have but to continue living the life that we worked so hard to build.
Well those are my ramblings today...lets see if I can get out of this soul sucking bed...and clean my house!
Love to all....
My memories lately are of when he wasn't sick. He struggled so much during this last year. That was all my focus. I forgot about that vibrant, energetic, non-stop man. I found these videos on his phone that he had transferred to his new phone. They were all before he was sick. I laughed, and laughed! He was so funny! I will have to figure out how to post them. He is so cute!
I started clinical (again) this last Tuesday. I have the opportunity to be learning alongside a nurse-practitioner that serves basically the under served, or those without insurance, or can't obtain state health insurance etc. It has been amazing. It is a community health clinic. I'm hoping and praying I can keep myself and my mind together that I can get through this in the next month. I hope to be finished with clinical by or around September 19th. Then to have my last comprehensive examination done by October 1st. And I will be officially finished with school. My goal is to have my board exams done by December and to have all licensing etc finished for January 2012. It better be a better year.
I know this is something Jeremie wanted me to finish. I feel him pushing me out of bed, when I just feel that I can't do it. I know he is by my side as I'm starting to panic at what lays a head of me. And I know he is whispering in my ear and to my heart. I dream every night of him holding out his hand and I'm reaching to grab his, and all I'm captured by is his smile, and the calm that I feel when I see his hand.
My kids seem to be doing pretty good. Everyone started school...well except Scarlett. Still working on that one. Hopefully, fingers crossed we can really get that figured out next week. Meanwhile, I don't know what I would have done without her this week. The poor boys bicycles are being fixed, and I don't want them walking in the 107 degree heat for 45 minutes. It probably could take a normal person 20-30 minutes but these are the little boys we are talking about! They find trouble! So riding their bikes cuts that down to 15 minutes out in this yucky heat.
I try to think about Jeremie not being in pain anymore. I think about all the wonderful parts of our lives. And I think about how mad he would make me sometimes ;-) and how much he would make me laugh! I really try to focus on the day. If I move past the day, my heart just hurts and I can't think straight. He is my love, and unfortunately I think this is something that time will not heal. What other choice do I have but to continue living the life that we worked so hard to build.
Well those are my ramblings today...lets see if I can get out of this soul sucking bed...and clean my house!
Love to all....
Monday, August 1, 2011
08/01/2011
I wanted to post today to tell you all who have supported Jeremie and I throughout this year...Thank you!
I so appreciated seeing so many of you at his viewing and funeral. I wish time could have been slowed down for just a day. I would have loved to spend more time with everyone. I'm so grateful for the love, prayers and sweet thoughts everyone has shared with us, not just on Friday and Saturday but this last year too.
I think the only way I'm gonna try and get up everyday is knowing we have such incredible people in our lives. It was so nice to have a Mom here to take care of kids and food and just being another adult in the house. It really took some pressure off. I'm definitely sad that her presence is gone. But I guess I have to get used to this sometime.
I'm not gonna lie and say I don't hurt and don't just want to curl up in my bed and never come out. I'm seriously fighting that more today then I have in this whole experience. But I guess that is when you make yourself get out of bed. My kids are amazing...they really are trying to make ME feel better. They are incredible little human beings. I think the fog is definitely lifting...and I'm not appreciating feeling and having such clarity of thought at the moment.
I'm hoping I can figure out how to do this without physically having him by my side. I know he is with me. I'm feeling selfish. I want to hear his voice and want him to hug me.
So I personally can use some of your sweet prayers. Hopefully what sanity I have left will remain with me, and really in time I won't hurt so bad. Isn't that what every body says?
Again, Thank you all! Love you all....
Cori & Kids
I so appreciated seeing so many of you at his viewing and funeral. I wish time could have been slowed down for just a day. I would have loved to spend more time with everyone. I'm so grateful for the love, prayers and sweet thoughts everyone has shared with us, not just on Friday and Saturday but this last year too.
I think the only way I'm gonna try and get up everyday is knowing we have such incredible people in our lives. It was so nice to have a Mom here to take care of kids and food and just being another adult in the house. It really took some pressure off. I'm definitely sad that her presence is gone. But I guess I have to get used to this sometime.
I'm not gonna lie and say I don't hurt and don't just want to curl up in my bed and never come out. I'm seriously fighting that more today then I have in this whole experience. But I guess that is when you make yourself get out of bed. My kids are amazing...they really are trying to make ME feel better. They are incredible little human beings. I think the fog is definitely lifting...and I'm not appreciating feeling and having such clarity of thought at the moment.
I'm hoping I can figure out how to do this without physically having him by my side. I know he is with me. I'm feeling selfish. I want to hear his voice and want him to hug me.
So I personally can use some of your sweet prayers. Hopefully what sanity I have left will remain with me, and really in time I won't hurt so bad. Isn't that what every body says?
Again, Thank you all! Love you all....
Cori & Kids
Monday, July 25, 2011
07/25/11
Well I guess I have to post this week. Most of you know by now that on July 23rd, 2011 at 11:55 p.m., my soul-mate, my love, my best friend and my eternal companion passed away.
My Jeremie...my Jeremie. I miss him terribly, yet feel him by me constantly. To be with him as he passed from this world into another existence was a beautiful and sacred experience. Jeremie is finally not suffering. He finally is at peace. And I like to think of the many things he might be experiencing now that he is not under the constraints of a physical body.
I've made myself quite ill from the last several days. I'm a dork and didn't eat or drink or go to the bathroom for 3 days. You think that I would have had the thought process of needing to feed and take care of basic needs. Amazing how those needs are unnoticed when you don't want to blink your eyes 'cause you might miss something.
Our family was with us this weekend. What a blessing to have everyone, all together. I think this is why Jeremie could go home, he said goodbye.
My sweet mother is staying with me this week as I attempt to prepare for Jeremie's funeral. What a blessing. See...sometimes I do know that I need help.
Jeremie's viewing will be on Friday, 07/29/2011 from 7-9 p.m. at our Stake Center, and the funeral will be on Saturday, 07/30/11 at 1 p.m., same Stake Center. Following the funeral there will be grave-side services in the Ivins City cemetery.
Washington Fields Stake Center
1297 S 3000 E
Washington, UT 84780
Obviously this is a time my sweet kids and myself are really struggling. I'm so grateful for the last year that I got to have with him. I'm grateful for the adventures that we have been able to share in our life. I'm sad because we wanted to do so much. But this life is short, and we aren't meant to be here for eternity. Somehow, some way, some time, I will understand why. Right now I'm just focusing on how he just doesn't hurt anymore. He loved his life, his children and he made me feel like a loved, beautiful princess everyday.
So his funeral arrangements have been made. There is some peace with having that finished. Next will be trying to duct-tape myself together, and keep myself together so that I may continue to live each day as he would have me live it. With intention.
Love you all...
Cori
My Jeremie...my Jeremie. I miss him terribly, yet feel him by me constantly. To be with him as he passed from this world into another existence was a beautiful and sacred experience. Jeremie is finally not suffering. He finally is at peace. And I like to think of the many things he might be experiencing now that he is not under the constraints of a physical body.
I've made myself quite ill from the last several days. I'm a dork and didn't eat or drink or go to the bathroom for 3 days. You think that I would have had the thought process of needing to feed and take care of basic needs. Amazing how those needs are unnoticed when you don't want to blink your eyes 'cause you might miss something.
Our family was with us this weekend. What a blessing to have everyone, all together. I think this is why Jeremie could go home, he said goodbye.
My sweet mother is staying with me this week as I attempt to prepare for Jeremie's funeral. What a blessing. See...sometimes I do know that I need help.
Jeremie's viewing will be on Friday, 07/29/2011 from 7-9 p.m. at our Stake Center, and the funeral will be on Saturday, 07/30/11 at 1 p.m., same Stake Center. Following the funeral there will be grave-side services in the Ivins City cemetery.
Washington Fields Stake Center
1297 S 3000 E
Washington, UT 84780
Obviously this is a time my sweet kids and myself are really struggling. I'm so grateful for the last year that I got to have with him. I'm grateful for the adventures that we have been able to share in our life. I'm sad because we wanted to do so much. But this life is short, and we aren't meant to be here for eternity. Somehow, some way, some time, I will understand why. Right now I'm just focusing on how he just doesn't hurt anymore. He loved his life, his children and he made me feel like a loved, beautiful princess everyday.
So his funeral arrangements have been made. There is some peace with having that finished. Next will be trying to duct-tape myself together, and keep myself together so that I may continue to live each day as he would have me live it. With intention.
Love you all...
Cori
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
07/19/2011
Well Jeremie was discharged from the hospital. Woo Hoo!!! Took stinking forever! Good heavens. Jeremie is doing really well today. It seems the pain is under control. No small feat!
So the results from yesterdays CT scan. Jeremie has tumors on/in the pleural space in his chest. Tumor on his chest wall and a mass on his adrenal gland, and the numerous tumors we see right under his skin. Needless to say the last couple of treatments with the Dacogen haven't been effective. And that the leukemia is progressing despite treatment and the transplant. We had started backing off of the steroid over the last two weeks, and Jeremie started having stomach problems again (graft vs host disease, without a good anti-leukemia effect).
We had a wonderful, real and thoughtful conversation with our oncologist last night. We have decided to go on IHC's hospice services. This will allow better pain control for Jeremie. In some ways it has freed us. It is like we are just entering the next phase of treatment and our life. I personally feel some pressure that has been lifted. We of course asked The All Pertinent Question (I'm sure you are all wondering as well), what is our time-frame? That question is a question we do not have an answer for. We were told that there isn't a crystal ball. We do know Jeremie's disease is progressing, and we have wonderful nurses and an incredible doctor that will make sure Jeremie will live his life as pain free as possible. And I can't ask for anything more.
Officially being moved to hospice doesn't really change anything in our life. Except access to pain medication/pumps/staff etc at all times. And hopefully no more hospital admissions! So that is kind of it in a nutshell.
We plan to go have some more adventures...and will definitely update them here :-)
Love to all...
Cori & Jeremie
So the results from yesterdays CT scan. Jeremie has tumors on/in the pleural space in his chest. Tumor on his chest wall and a mass on his adrenal gland, and the numerous tumors we see right under his skin. Needless to say the last couple of treatments with the Dacogen haven't been effective. And that the leukemia is progressing despite treatment and the transplant. We had started backing off of the steroid over the last two weeks, and Jeremie started having stomach problems again (graft vs host disease, without a good anti-leukemia effect).
We had a wonderful, real and thoughtful conversation with our oncologist last night. We have decided to go on IHC's hospice services. This will allow better pain control for Jeremie. In some ways it has freed us. It is like we are just entering the next phase of treatment and our life. I personally feel some pressure that has been lifted. We of course asked The All Pertinent Question (I'm sure you are all wondering as well), what is our time-frame? That question is a question we do not have an answer for. We were told that there isn't a crystal ball. We do know Jeremie's disease is progressing, and we have wonderful nurses and an incredible doctor that will make sure Jeremie will live his life as pain free as possible. And I can't ask for anything more.
Officially being moved to hospice doesn't really change anything in our life. Except access to pain medication/pumps/staff etc at all times. And hopefully no more hospital admissions! So that is kind of it in a nutshell.
We plan to go have some more adventures...and will definitely update them here :-)
Love to all...
Cori & Jeremie
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