It has been a couple of weeks since I last decided to write on "The Blog". It has been sort of stretching for me over the last several weeks. And I'm not thinking this is a bad thing. Well at least right now I'm not thinking it is a bad thing ;-)
I will hopefully be taking my Comprehensive Exam in the next couple of weeks. I'm hoping by December 14th to officially have my MSN. I'm of course sick of studying, but oh well, got to just get it done. It is terrible, I downloaded my review CD on my I-Phone, not the smartest thing I have ever done. I keep getting distracted by my songs, which I switch to while I'm trying to figure out what I listened to last. I can figure out all kinds of ways not to study.
We went to Seattle for Thanksgiving to see my bestest buddy and her sweet family. It was quite an adventure with 5 children and flying. It was their first time flying! Serious adventure! It went pretty slick though. Lil' Jeremie was a bit freaked out at first about the whole security thing, getting on the plane and taking off. But ended up doing quite well. Seattle was beautiful. The ocean was quite mind opening for me. The whole trip sort of changed my whole perspective on my life.
I had several epiphanies...which I'm not quite sure I'm ready to go into here. But there will come a time ;-)
I have definitely felt Jeremie close to me. And I'm feeling more confident in myself, and my ability to be myself again. I'm finally feeling like I'm moving in some sort of direction. I'm not so paranoid anymore that it is even the wrong direction. The staying still, the not progressing, the not moving forward or not making mistakes is not what my life is about.
The last several weeks have been mind and body changing for me. I have laughed so hard I have cried. I have felt excitement and had loads of fun. It feels good to have those fun emotions again. I'm not going to say it has been easy by any means. At times it has been so anxiety producing I have difficulty in controlling the shaking my body seems to do when I'm scared out of my mind. BUT I'm learning to embrace this!!! I haven't regretted it! Not a single time! So I'm stretching and growing.
I can say that I'm happy. And it doesn't break my heart to feel that way. I think about this last year, and I don't know how we all did it. But we did, and we are all better for it. We are so strong, and love each other so much, and don't want to take a single day for granted. I love the life that Jeremie and I worked so hard to build, and this last week I was reminded why we worked so hard for it. I'm so grateful, so so so grateful for this sweet gift he left me.
Well that is sort of the gist of our lives at the moment. I'm actually okay. Kids are okay. We are okay. Does that mean we don't have our challenges? Duh...of course not! But life is short, move on. Breathe, soak in the tub and buy new sweat pants! Key to happiness ;-)
Lots of Love...
Cori
Saturday, December 3, 2011
Friday, November 18, 2011
11-18-11
I must be needing to study. The blog seems more interesting right now. Actually everything seems more interesting right now. Something is wrong with this picture. A) I'm writing on the blog on Friday night and B) I'm studying on Friday night. These are not my greatest days...eck. This is supposed to be my date night...grrrr! Where is my date? He better be doing something really cool right now, cause I'm getting really annoyed at having to find other things to do with my time ;-) Yeah, I miss him. Duh, huh?
So do you think there is anything wrong with wanting to duct tape your children? I'm debating on buying Costco size bulk duct tape package's. Again...miss the other parent around. He used to do the whole student/parent meeting nightmare. I love doing it...nothing makes me happier (insert heavy sarcasm). Mix with that the challenges of having an 18 year old that is driving me NUTS!!!
I'm fighting with every fiber in my being to be nice and polite to the sweet little children that share our home. But I'm thinking of asking them to call me something different than Mom. I miss when they were little. I could bath them, feed them, love them and easily entertain them. Now I feel like I haven't left work when I come home. Cause it just continues ;-)
I'm finding myself, doing anything and everything different that I can. Doing things that are quite stretching and growing for myself. I find that I become quite proud of myself, and exhausted because I have sent my anxiety through the roof. But I have learned that life is short (get out of town...right?).
Well my kids are little monsters, nothing has changed on that front. I'm still not on the behavioral health unit (amazing I know!) and I'm hopefully going to be taking my test super soon. So I will get done with whining and on with studying...but thanks for letting me take the break :-)
Love to all...
Cori
So do you think there is anything wrong with wanting to duct tape your children? I'm debating on buying Costco size bulk duct tape package's. Again...miss the other parent around. He used to do the whole student/parent meeting nightmare. I love doing it...nothing makes me happier (insert heavy sarcasm). Mix with that the challenges of having an 18 year old that is driving me NUTS!!!
I'm fighting with every fiber in my being to be nice and polite to the sweet little children that share our home. But I'm thinking of asking them to call me something different than Mom. I miss when they were little. I could bath them, feed them, love them and easily entertain them. Now I feel like I haven't left work when I come home. Cause it just continues ;-)
I'm finding myself, doing anything and everything different that I can. Doing things that are quite stretching and growing for myself. I find that I become quite proud of myself, and exhausted because I have sent my anxiety through the roof. But I have learned that life is short (get out of town...right?).
Well my kids are little monsters, nothing has changed on that front. I'm still not on the behavioral health unit (amazing I know!) and I'm hopefully going to be taking my test super soon. So I will get done with whining and on with studying...but thanks for letting me take the break :-)
Love to all...
Cori
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
11-9-11
Fair warning...I'm super whiny.
My brain feels like mush. I used to know how to think. And I used to be really clear in the direction I wanted to go in my life. I used to be really confident and know exactly who I am and what I wanted to improve on.
Cori, or who was formerly known as Cori ran away. I'm not quite sure where she went or if she is ever going to be back. I hope wherever she is, she is enjoying herself. Because who is left behind is seriously freaked out, and really doesn't want to do this anymore.
The more time that goes by without Jeremie, the more difficult it seems to be getting. I think it was easier in the beginning. Odd huh? My best friend, the other side of my brain, the tender, sweet, funny half of me died. I'm left with a shell, and don't know how to fill it anymore. I used to think that I understood what existence was for. I used to think that I could get through all of these challenges that life threw at me. That with faith, hope and love all things would be alright. Do I still have those things? Of course. But they feel different. I feel different. It certainly isn't pleasant.
Grief and pain are so individual. I'm blessed to work with amazing people everyday, who I attempt to throw at them what is floating around in my brain, and they come up with amazing ideas and thoughts that might help me better deal with my day to day life. For moments these are helpful. Frequently, however I am left still empty. Alone in my head trying to figure out how in the world I am supposed to figure this all out.
The soul-crushing pain that has decided to make an appearance lately is quite a surprise. Jeremie used to say his bone pain could be described as an exquisite sort of pain. I understand what he means by that now. I'm taken by surprise when it hits me. The oddest of moments. The oddest of circumstances. My breathe is taken from me daily. I want to hear his perspective, I want to hear him get mad, I want to hear that he loves me and I want him to laugh at his kids.
I have this wall that jumps up in front of me and I slam into it every time I expect to hear his comments or see his face and expression. I am so honored and touched by people that want to help me through this. I just don't know how to go about it. I think I just have to go through it, there is no way around it. There is no way to pretend it doesn't exist. And trying to be patient enough with myself to work through this terrible pain is difficult.
I'm struggling with day to day existence of not having Jeremie by my side to raise a large family and maintain our home, cars and life. Even though he was sick the last year, I could call him, or run something into him, or talk to him about what I was attempting to fix or do. Just having him laugh at me because I was swearing at the toilet, made it all okay. I know I am surrounded by people that want to help me. But I just want to be able to do it myself. I sound like a 4 year old! Trying to figure out how to do this on my own is a process. I know it is painful to look at or be around. Be patient with me. I promise I will ask for help if I need it. At some point I have to learn to do this...alone. I know, I know...I'm not alone. But I am.
It is funny I was asking a friend how they did the whole single-parent thing. I laughed because it struck a cord with me. I'm hard-wired for certain things. Like laundry, cleaning, making my kids brush their teeth, herding them etc. But I'm not hard-wired for other things, such as school projects or Halloween, or jokes. Trying to put a package together in myself to make-up for those other things is a real struggle, while also mixing in Who is Cori...where did she go...is she going to be different forever?
I decided to play with Jeremie's Ipod yesterday. This song popped up first...ugh...just pain, and a perfect description...Youtube had the video...of course I just cry...http://youtu.be/5anLPw0Efmo
I just miss my friend. He knew me like no other. Inside and out. I just ache and feel a bit broken. But again, duct tape is an alternative.
Love you all...
Cori
My brain feels like mush. I used to know how to think. And I used to be really clear in the direction I wanted to go in my life. I used to be really confident and know exactly who I am and what I wanted to improve on.
Cori, or who was formerly known as Cori ran away. I'm not quite sure where she went or if she is ever going to be back. I hope wherever she is, she is enjoying herself. Because who is left behind is seriously freaked out, and really doesn't want to do this anymore.
The more time that goes by without Jeremie, the more difficult it seems to be getting. I think it was easier in the beginning. Odd huh? My best friend, the other side of my brain, the tender, sweet, funny half of me died. I'm left with a shell, and don't know how to fill it anymore. I used to think that I understood what existence was for. I used to think that I could get through all of these challenges that life threw at me. That with faith, hope and love all things would be alright. Do I still have those things? Of course. But they feel different. I feel different. It certainly isn't pleasant.
Grief and pain are so individual. I'm blessed to work with amazing people everyday, who I attempt to throw at them what is floating around in my brain, and they come up with amazing ideas and thoughts that might help me better deal with my day to day life. For moments these are helpful. Frequently, however I am left still empty. Alone in my head trying to figure out how in the world I am supposed to figure this all out.
The soul-crushing pain that has decided to make an appearance lately is quite a surprise. Jeremie used to say his bone pain could be described as an exquisite sort of pain. I understand what he means by that now. I'm taken by surprise when it hits me. The oddest of moments. The oddest of circumstances. My breathe is taken from me daily. I want to hear his perspective, I want to hear him get mad, I want to hear that he loves me and I want him to laugh at his kids.
I have this wall that jumps up in front of me and I slam into it every time I expect to hear his comments or see his face and expression. I am so honored and touched by people that want to help me through this. I just don't know how to go about it. I think I just have to go through it, there is no way around it. There is no way to pretend it doesn't exist. And trying to be patient enough with myself to work through this terrible pain is difficult.
I'm struggling with day to day existence of not having Jeremie by my side to raise a large family and maintain our home, cars and life. Even though he was sick the last year, I could call him, or run something into him, or talk to him about what I was attempting to fix or do. Just having him laugh at me because I was swearing at the toilet, made it all okay. I know I am surrounded by people that want to help me. But I just want to be able to do it myself. I sound like a 4 year old! Trying to figure out how to do this on my own is a process. I know it is painful to look at or be around. Be patient with me. I promise I will ask for help if I need it. At some point I have to learn to do this...alone. I know, I know...I'm not alone. But I am.
It is funny I was asking a friend how they did the whole single-parent thing. I laughed because it struck a cord with me. I'm hard-wired for certain things. Like laundry, cleaning, making my kids brush their teeth, herding them etc. But I'm not hard-wired for other things, such as school projects or Halloween, or jokes. Trying to put a package together in myself to make-up for those other things is a real struggle, while also mixing in Who is Cori...where did she go...is she going to be different forever?
I decided to play with Jeremie's Ipod yesterday. This song popped up first...ugh...just pain, and a perfect description...Youtube had the video...of course I just cry...http://youtu.be/5anLPw0Efmo
I just miss my friend. He knew me like no other. Inside and out. I just ache and feel a bit broken. But again, duct tape is an alternative.
Love you all...
Cori
Monday, October 31, 2011
10-31-11
I've been running a little crazy the last several weeks. I haven't had time to blog. But I'm at work, everyone has left, and I have a moment of peace.
A year ago Jeremie and I had the best Halloween! It was our first Holiday together in our house. He dressed up as a Rock-Star and I was a sloppy pink bunny. It was so much fun! He took the kids trick-or-treating and I stayed at home and passed out the candy. The kids had so much fun with him. He felt good, he looked good and we where getting ready for the next day for Salt Lake. Jeremie would be receiving his third consolidation. Sadly November 1st, is when we found out he had two chloromas or leukemia tumors on his spine. Our whole world changed yet again. So this time of year is turning very difficult for me.
I have struggled over the last several weeks with the logistics of being a single parent of five children. It is awful. I wish Jeremie was here, even if he just could hear me whine. I'm afraid my poor co-workers just can't hear about it anymore. Poor things, they try so hard to be here and there and accommodating to me. And it is the epitome of my worst fear. To be the pathetic, widowed, single-parent. I'm just not digging that whole role right now. I have worked so hard in my life to be independent, and self-sufficient. This is really putting me out!
I have a lot of things I'm debating on changing or making my life simpler right now. I have been thinking about selling the motorcycle and the Yukon to get a more efficient and cheaper car to run. I just hate making these types of decisions by myself. I have no feedback. I have no other perspective of making life-changing decisions. I'm good at the whole priority thing, and which comes first. But trying to put some sort of order and resemblance of life and role back into my being is proving to be the most difficult.
I haven't been able to study this past week for my test. I've been too overwhelmed with my children and their individual crisis's and issues. I'm again really missing the man that took such good care of me. He just babied me and loved me. I can't tell you how much I miss being me, and I miss him close.
Well here is for praying for a better week. Today wasn't the greatest day, but tomorrow the sun will shine again.
I miss you all so much...I love my wonderful friends and family.
Love to all!
Cori
A year ago Jeremie and I had the best Halloween! It was our first Holiday together in our house. He dressed up as a Rock-Star and I was a sloppy pink bunny. It was so much fun! He took the kids trick-or-treating and I stayed at home and passed out the candy. The kids had so much fun with him. He felt good, he looked good and we where getting ready for the next day for Salt Lake. Jeremie would be receiving his third consolidation. Sadly November 1st, is when we found out he had two chloromas or leukemia tumors on his spine. Our whole world changed yet again. So this time of year is turning very difficult for me.
I have struggled over the last several weeks with the logistics of being a single parent of five children. It is awful. I wish Jeremie was here, even if he just could hear me whine. I'm afraid my poor co-workers just can't hear about it anymore. Poor things, they try so hard to be here and there and accommodating to me. And it is the epitome of my worst fear. To be the pathetic, widowed, single-parent. I'm just not digging that whole role right now. I have worked so hard in my life to be independent, and self-sufficient. This is really putting me out!
I have a lot of things I'm debating on changing or making my life simpler right now. I have been thinking about selling the motorcycle and the Yukon to get a more efficient and cheaper car to run. I just hate making these types of decisions by myself. I have no feedback. I have no other perspective of making life-changing decisions. I'm good at the whole priority thing, and which comes first. But trying to put some sort of order and resemblance of life and role back into my being is proving to be the most difficult.
I haven't been able to study this past week for my test. I've been too overwhelmed with my children and their individual crisis's and issues. I'm again really missing the man that took such good care of me. He just babied me and loved me. I can't tell you how much I miss being me, and I miss him close.
Well here is for praying for a better week. Today wasn't the greatest day, but tomorrow the sun will shine again.
I miss you all so much...I love my wonderful friends and family.
Love to all!
Cori
Monday, October 17, 2011
10-17-2011
Despite last week being particularly challenging. We had a wonderful weekend. Sweet Jeremie Jr. turned 11! Yay! He decided he wanted to go to Salt Lake and have Grandma give him a birthday (THANK YOU GRANDMA). We had another great surprise when we went up. Carla (my Aunt & Uncle), Chris and their boys! And sweet Travis, his wife Stephanie and their DARLING baby boy Gage. Just what my soul needed! We had a lot of fun hanging out with them. We went to the zoo on Saturday for Jeremie's birthday. Haven't been there forever! It really was a lot of fun.
It's sort of fun to have a blog sometimes. Instead of studying for my test I can write dumb things on and on in the middle of the world wide web ;-) ha ha ha. It feels weird to be finished with school. I mean I know I'm not until I finish my comprehensive exam. But I don't have any more papers, no more classes, nothing. CRAZY! I have been looking at my next degree...I have to apply January 15th for my post-masters. But if accepted I won't have to start until next fall. So a nice break. OOh and then I found out the University of Utah has a distance PhD program ;-) super interested in that. Half thinking if I don't get into the post-masters for psych I will apply for the PhD program in Genetics. That fascinates me. Especially in terms of cancer and genetics. So many places to go with that.
Funny huh? I'm incredibly disgusted and frustrated with cancer and absolutely fascinated by it in the next breath, that I want to go into research? Yeah...maybe a good stay in B-Med would be beneficial. Speaking of b-med. I had one of my clients last week tell me that I'm a good psych nurse because I "understand" what it is like. Hmmm...how do I take that? I didn't have the guts to ask what was meant by that. I can only assume ;-)
This week I'm attempting just to focus on each day. I'm not going to dive into anything too major emotionally this week. I wasn't ready last week when I attempted. There is never a moment my sweet Jeremie is not on my mind. Sometimes it is hard not to sound depressing. Breathe in and breathe out. That is what I'm practicing this week. I don't know, its a theory anyway. I'll let you know next week if it works.
Love you all...
Cori
It's sort of fun to have a blog sometimes. Instead of studying for my test I can write dumb things on and on in the middle of the world wide web ;-) ha ha ha. It feels weird to be finished with school. I mean I know I'm not until I finish my comprehensive exam. But I don't have any more papers, no more classes, nothing. CRAZY! I have been looking at my next degree...I have to apply January 15th for my post-masters. But if accepted I won't have to start until next fall. So a nice break. OOh and then I found out the University of Utah has a distance PhD program ;-) super interested in that. Half thinking if I don't get into the post-masters for psych I will apply for the PhD program in Genetics. That fascinates me. Especially in terms of cancer and genetics. So many places to go with that.
Funny huh? I'm incredibly disgusted and frustrated with cancer and absolutely fascinated by it in the next breath, that I want to go into research? Yeah...maybe a good stay in B-Med would be beneficial. Speaking of b-med. I had one of my clients last week tell me that I'm a good psych nurse because I "understand" what it is like. Hmmm...how do I take that? I didn't have the guts to ask what was meant by that. I can only assume ;-)
This week I'm attempting just to focus on each day. I'm not going to dive into anything too major emotionally this week. I wasn't ready last week when I attempted. There is never a moment my sweet Jeremie is not on my mind. Sometimes it is hard not to sound depressing. Breathe in and breathe out. That is what I'm practicing this week. I don't know, its a theory anyway. I'll let you know next week if it works.
Love you all...
Cori
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
10-11-11
Ka Ka...Leukemia sucks. What a soul crushing, devastating disease. I'm such a dummy, I just open my heart up to tragedy and see if I can cause myself some more pain. I have read a couple of other blogs on AML. Does anyone survive? Is everyone just tortured for a while with chemo and radiation...throw in a transplant for some extra torture...and then die? Good Heavens.
I made another really dumb mistake and decided to watch Jeremie's tribute video by his brother Robin. Yeah I pretty much spent last night bawling my eyes out. I'm not sure what I'm searching for, I'm not sure what I'm looking for. What I'm grasping at?
How do you make sense out of all of this? How do you go forward? What does that really mean? It's so odd...I think in the back of my head that something magical would happen, or I would wake up and this would be a nightmare. Just pretend...right? I want to understand it all. But then I don't, cause I can't make sense of it in my brain.
Sorry for the negative post...this is the reality of my life. The up and down of everyday. I'm always grateful for our gifts and blessings. I'm also so incredibly sad. I wanted to read those blogs and see miracles that people live after leukemia. That for some, all of the sacrifices and pain was worth it. I just didn't find those stories today.
Hmmm...praying for those sweet families who have lost those sweet loved ones, praying for those families battling this disease. Praying I can get a grip.
Here is the link for Robin's incredible video for Jeremie. I'm so blessed to have been loved by this man. To have been accepted 100% for everything I am, to have been told that I'm beautiful and sweet and smart everyday...especially when I was feeling ugly, mean and dumb. That is all I see in this video, how much he loved us. http://youtu.be/tkgulAZRPE0
Breath in and breath out...all I have to do right?
I made another really dumb mistake and decided to watch Jeremie's tribute video by his brother Robin. Yeah I pretty much spent last night bawling my eyes out. I'm not sure what I'm searching for, I'm not sure what I'm looking for. What I'm grasping at?
How do you make sense out of all of this? How do you go forward? What does that really mean? It's so odd...I think in the back of my head that something magical would happen, or I would wake up and this would be a nightmare. Just pretend...right? I want to understand it all. But then I don't, cause I can't make sense of it in my brain.
Sorry for the negative post...this is the reality of my life. The up and down of everyday. I'm always grateful for our gifts and blessings. I'm also so incredibly sad. I wanted to read those blogs and see miracles that people live after leukemia. That for some, all of the sacrifices and pain was worth it. I just didn't find those stories today.
Hmmm...praying for those sweet families who have lost those sweet loved ones, praying for those families battling this disease. Praying I can get a grip.
Here is the link for Robin's incredible video for Jeremie. I'm so blessed to have been loved by this man. To have been accepted 100% for everything I am, to have been told that I'm beautiful and sweet and smart everyday...especially when I was feeling ugly, mean and dumb. That is all I see in this video, how much he loved us. http://youtu.be/tkgulAZRPE0
Breath in and breath out...all I have to do right?
Sunday, October 9, 2011
10-09-2011
Well I made it to work 3 1/2 days last week! Woo Hoo! Kicked my ever lovin' behind, but I think it was good to get back to normal life. I missed work too! Plus I'm obnoxious when I'm sitting at home. All I see is carpets I need to clean, blinds that need to be dusted and bathrooms that need to be washed. At work I walk, sit, chart and do some injections. A little bit easier on me physically than home ;-)
Then I thought if I can go to work, then I can go to church. So after 15 months of living in my ward we went to church. All 3 meetings! Yeah...I'm pretty impressed with us too :-) It was nice, and very uplifting. We all felt good after church today. I think we have been missing that in our lives. Of course I love the first Sunday of the month. Babies being blessed! My favorite! It is such a sweet reminder of what gifts there are in this life. Another really cool thing...my kids are all older. I look around my ward and smile and giggle at the cute little toddlers and babies. It sort of relaxing for me now. Kids are quiet, listening and taking in sacrament, instead of figuring out a way to make me insane.
I felt Jeremie so close to me today. I have been struggling a bit this week. Just missing him like crazy. I miss him making me laugh. And boy he was gorgeous. I miss his green eyes, his smile and his laughter. I miss how he could distract me more than anything or anybody in this world. He occupies my thoughts all the time. I was having a hard Thursday last week. All I wanted to do was call him and tell him it was hard, I hurt, I was stressed and I needed to hear that he wished he could fix it, and hearing him say that....would fix it. I woke up Saturday morning, and I swear he was right next to me. Before I opened my eyes I just felt so happy, and was thinking how I was going to wake him up and we were going to have an adventure today. I must have been in a dream. I turned towards his side...no Jeremie...eck...awful emptiness.
Being with Jeremie the night he passed away was such a gift. It reminds me that he is close by, not far, and what I believe is true. We are eternal companions. When I think about how everything unfolded, it was a gift. To have him in my arms, telling him how much I loved him, how much his kids loved him and that he could go home now. What a truly sacred and intimate experience. The joy that was surrounding us both as he was passing from this world into another is difficult to describe. I didn't understand that is what I was feeling until I called my children and his parents to tell them he passed away. Their grief, sadness and loss hit me hard, from the opposite feeling I had been engulfed in. To share in the emotion/feeling that was there is what holds me together today. I do not know the "plan". I have whispers in my ear sometimes, that he is always here now, and can be with us in a way he wasn't able to be before. It's funny when I am struggling most, is when these little whispers come to me. I was feeling like it isn't fair to have the love of my life taken from me and from my kids, and a whisper came to me that I'm not alone. This happens everyday. I'm not being picked on. It just is. Sounds weird, but it comforted me. No wonder I like to work in psych huh?
Well enough of my ramblings...We are doing good. I'm healing fast and feeling good. I again, am so thankful for the sweet things in our lives. We are truly blessed, even in our sadness. Sounds so corny but it's true.
Love you all...
Cori
Then I thought if I can go to work, then I can go to church. So after 15 months of living in my ward we went to church. All 3 meetings! Yeah...I'm pretty impressed with us too :-) It was nice, and very uplifting. We all felt good after church today. I think we have been missing that in our lives. Of course I love the first Sunday of the month. Babies being blessed! My favorite! It is such a sweet reminder of what gifts there are in this life. Another really cool thing...my kids are all older. I look around my ward and smile and giggle at the cute little toddlers and babies. It sort of relaxing for me now. Kids are quiet, listening and taking in sacrament, instead of figuring out a way to make me insane.
I felt Jeremie so close to me today. I have been struggling a bit this week. Just missing him like crazy. I miss him making me laugh. And boy he was gorgeous. I miss his green eyes, his smile and his laughter. I miss how he could distract me more than anything or anybody in this world. He occupies my thoughts all the time. I was having a hard Thursday last week. All I wanted to do was call him and tell him it was hard, I hurt, I was stressed and I needed to hear that he wished he could fix it, and hearing him say that....would fix it. I woke up Saturday morning, and I swear he was right next to me. Before I opened my eyes I just felt so happy, and was thinking how I was going to wake him up and we were going to have an adventure today. I must have been in a dream. I turned towards his side...no Jeremie...eck...awful emptiness.
Being with Jeremie the night he passed away was such a gift. It reminds me that he is close by, not far, and what I believe is true. We are eternal companions. When I think about how everything unfolded, it was a gift. To have him in my arms, telling him how much I loved him, how much his kids loved him and that he could go home now. What a truly sacred and intimate experience. The joy that was surrounding us both as he was passing from this world into another is difficult to describe. I didn't understand that is what I was feeling until I called my children and his parents to tell them he passed away. Their grief, sadness and loss hit me hard, from the opposite feeling I had been engulfed in. To share in the emotion/feeling that was there is what holds me together today. I do not know the "plan". I have whispers in my ear sometimes, that he is always here now, and can be with us in a way he wasn't able to be before. It's funny when I am struggling most, is when these little whispers come to me. I was feeling like it isn't fair to have the love of my life taken from me and from my kids, and a whisper came to me that I'm not alone. This happens everyday. I'm not being picked on. It just is. Sounds weird, but it comforted me. No wonder I like to work in psych huh?
Well enough of my ramblings...We are doing good. I'm healing fast and feeling good. I again, am so thankful for the sweet things in our lives. We are truly blessed, even in our sadness. Sounds so corny but it's true.
Love you all...
Cori
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