The past few days have been exhausting. Jeremie had to be admitted on Wednesday. His pain was out of control. He was admitted and put on a pain pump. Thursday he was released with the pain pump. So we are at home until tomorrow night, when we leave for Salt Lake.
He is sort of a monster, that husband of mine ;-). We are sort of opposites. I'm super conservative and wanted him to be sent to LDS hospital to get this show on the road. Experience has shown us that a couple days of chemo and three treatments of radiation completely get rid of his pain. So that was my thought. Jeremie's thought was to stay home until we were scheduled to go up, and come home on the pain pump. I didn't argue, and he won by default (yup I'm a sucker).
New pain pumps are much easier to program than when I was playing with them as a nurse ;-) So very grateful for this type of technology and that we can be at home. See I'm trying to see his side :-)
I have to laugh because Jeremie's whole reason he wanted to stay home this weekend was for the Pine-wood derby (the one with the scouts). He told our oncologist we had a "big family function" and he didn't want to miss out. Ha Ha Ha!!! Well we are going to postpone pine-wood derby for next year (Jeremie HAS to help with the boys cars!). And I'm taking them to Laser Mania instead. They weren't too sad.
I said a prayer the other day (hope you don't mind I'm getting personal), that I would be able to handle everything coming at us. That I would be able to push him when he needed it and back off when he needed it. It is a difficult thing for me to judge. I have seen and experienced people suffering with pain. I have felt that I was able to help with controlling their pain or help them move through the discomfort. I felt some ability to help. When it comes to Jeremie, I'm desperate though. I hate it when he hurts. I can feel my soul ripping apart when he is suffering. It is terrible to lose my objectivity.
In some ways it has started me down a path of acceptance. I thought I had accepted so much of what I cannot control. I just didn't know if mentally I was going to be able to accept not having him by my side until we were 90 years old. After Wednesday night, I know I cannot stand to see him suffer, just so he is by my side. I thought I learned a lot of this a long time ago. But I'm learning that everything I thought I knew, doesn't apply to Jeremie...as always.
Oh I wish I could fast-forward to Friday afternoon, and hope his pain is gone...
Well next week will be fast and furious. I will try and update as things progress towards transplant. Tentative date for transplant is 02/25/11. Just a couple of days after Phoenix's birthday.
Love you all,
Cori
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