Hmmm...
So I knew these last several weeks were going to be the hard ones. I knew that a year ago. That a year from now, I wouldn't want to remember these moments. I wouldn't want to remember pain, sadness and emptiness. At least I was prepared for it to be terrible. Valentines day last year was marked by an emergency admittance to LDS hospital to start transplant proceedings fast! It was the day I learned I could let go. It was the day Jeremie begged me to let him go. Pain, pain, pain.
Life is surreal...things you never ever thought you would have to endure. Things you never thought you would have to even think about. Things that you thought should never have to happen. They all did. Even now I sit...and my breathe is taken from me...the reality hits. I'm truly alone. I'm not saying that out of pain or sadness, but just as a matter of fact. And it's odd.
It is funny the things that will bring me to my knee's. Getting off of work...my habit for my whole adult life was to call Jeremie. Do you know I still get off of work and reach for my phone? I went to a conference in Vegas this last week. I was sitting there and all of a sudden I panicked...I forgot to call Jeremie! Ha Ha Ha!!! Huh? I don't even have anyone to check in with. It just weirded me out! I haven't done that in 19 months!
The time thing is funny for me too. Yes he died 7 months ago today. But MY Jeremie was taken from me 19 months ago. My healthy, vibrant, pain in the bum, silly, sarcastic, larger than life, creative, passionate, bossy husband has been gone since July 2010. And my favorite time to remember him is when he wasn't sick. Truly he was such a great friend, I miss that most.
I get whiny every now and again. Actually I think I'm just tired. Single parenthood stinks, I don't recommend it EVER. And not only that, it isn't like I got divorced, and my former spouse will take the kids occasionally. I have them all to myself all the time. Yes, this is why I love my bathtub and my locking bedroom door ;-) And then I think they are stuck with me ALL the time too! Poor kids!
I think we are still adjusting okay? Still figuring out how our little family fits together. I'm a different parent. I'm hoping I'm working on being a better one. One thing about loosing your best friend, is learning that life is so short. And really, the small stuff is just small. Of course I need to tell my OCD brain that and get it on board with that program!
I'm SO excited to be moving! I'm so excited to work on this adorable little house we are buying. And I'm so excited to be living how I've always dreamed. Now, I just have to get my brain tuned into this moving again non-sense ;-)
Despite my whining...I'm so thankful for the gifts in my life. I'm surrounded by incredible friends and family. I've loved experiencing new things, that I have never had the chance to experience before. I'm enjoying learning about myself, and learning to stretch and trust myself. And trying so hard not to be afraid. I can do this :-)
Oh and this Valentine's Day rocked! Here is to next year being full of positive memories and experiences...I think we all deserve them :-)
Love to all...
Cori
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Thursday, February 2, 2012
02/02/2012
Well it has been another couple of weeks of change. Never stops does it! I'm starting to get a bit more confident in making decisions. Still making a lot of mistakes with those decisions, but nothing too life threatening yet ;-) I definitely have a perfection issue. And I'm working so hard to say to myself that "it doesn't have to be perfect", and my brain is saying "are you insane?"
So the big news! We sold the house! Yup! You heard right! The house was listed officially on 01/24/2012, was shown on 01/25/12, and I had two offers on 01/26/2012 and picked the best offer on 01/27/2012. Can you believe it! Nothing in my life goes this easy! NOTHING! I can't believe this is. So I'm closing on 02/27/2012. I'm hoping to close very soon after on my little baby house in PAROWAN!!!! WE ARE SO EXCITED!!! And yes that is WE.
Let me get a couple of misconceptions out of the way about me, myself and I. I am made up of a family unit consisting of Scarlett, Harrison, Jeremie Jr. and Phoenix. WE talk about how we want to live our lives, and what goals and dreams we want to go for. I have explained to them what mine are, I asked if they wanted to go to Parowan and give this little life a shot...my answer, without hesitation was YES! And, can we do it now?! We had the option of staying in our home until the end of the school year. I asked my family. THEY decided that they are ready now, they want to move as soon as possible.
If they told me they didn't want to move, didn't want to switch schools. I would just be figuring out how to have a second job, or maybe finding a higher paying job. While not ideal, I want what is best and least stressful for my children. They are looking forward to a scaled down, relaxed life full of all kinds of different adventures. I'm so blessed to be surrounded by these amazing people I get to call my children.
Alex is going to be moving out February 3rd :-) I'm very excited for him. He has a new girl fiend he adores and is enjoying working at the shop. I'm nervous as a mother, because he is my son, no matter if he is an adult. So I'm struggling on one hand and doing a dance on the other!
While I'm so excited that dreams and goals I have thought about for so long in my life are actually happening. The daily struggle of figuring everything else is still quite daunting to me. I struggle for sure trying to be a mom all by myself. I struggle with the whole alone thing (that one more than I like to admit). So I think that is why I have taken to doing things I've always wanted to do. I've have found myself with quite a bit of time on my hands. My usual M.O. is to then increase the amount of junk I have on my plate. But I have finally learned that isn't effective and I'm sick of feeling stressed out. I like to exercise, still hate anything having to do with scrap booking (YUCK, would rather die!), I like to clean, but really how much of that can you do ALL the time? So my little house will be my project. And part of my little 2 year plan (yes I have those) is to have a horse! Oh and maybe I will throw a DNP in there sometime too ;-)
Well here is to self-discovery!
Lots of Love,
Cori
So the big news! We sold the house! Yup! You heard right! The house was listed officially on 01/24/2012, was shown on 01/25/12, and I had two offers on 01/26/2012 and picked the best offer on 01/27/2012. Can you believe it! Nothing in my life goes this easy! NOTHING! I can't believe this is. So I'm closing on 02/27/2012. I'm hoping to close very soon after on my little baby house in PAROWAN!!!! WE ARE SO EXCITED!!! And yes that is WE.
Let me get a couple of misconceptions out of the way about me, myself and I. I am made up of a family unit consisting of Scarlett, Harrison, Jeremie Jr. and Phoenix. WE talk about how we want to live our lives, and what goals and dreams we want to go for. I have explained to them what mine are, I asked if they wanted to go to Parowan and give this little life a shot...my answer, without hesitation was YES! And, can we do it now?! We had the option of staying in our home until the end of the school year. I asked my family. THEY decided that they are ready now, they want to move as soon as possible.
If they told me they didn't want to move, didn't want to switch schools. I would just be figuring out how to have a second job, or maybe finding a higher paying job. While not ideal, I want what is best and least stressful for my children. They are looking forward to a scaled down, relaxed life full of all kinds of different adventures. I'm so blessed to be surrounded by these amazing people I get to call my children.
Alex is going to be moving out February 3rd :-) I'm very excited for him. He has a new girl fiend he adores and is enjoying working at the shop. I'm nervous as a mother, because he is my son, no matter if he is an adult. So I'm struggling on one hand and doing a dance on the other!
While I'm so excited that dreams and goals I have thought about for so long in my life are actually happening. The daily struggle of figuring everything else is still quite daunting to me. I struggle for sure trying to be a mom all by myself. I struggle with the whole alone thing (that one more than I like to admit). So I think that is why I have taken to doing things I've always wanted to do. I've have found myself with quite a bit of time on my hands. My usual M.O. is to then increase the amount of junk I have on my plate. But I have finally learned that isn't effective and I'm sick of feeling stressed out. I like to exercise, still hate anything having to do with scrap booking (YUCK, would rather die!), I like to clean, but really how much of that can you do ALL the time? So my little house will be my project. And part of my little 2 year plan (yes I have those) is to have a horse! Oh and maybe I will throw a DNP in there sometime too ;-)
Well here is to self-discovery!
Lots of Love,
Cori
Thursday, January 19, 2012
1-19-2012
Look I'm updating the blog faster than last time. Probably because I have a lot of stuff going on. Today has been an amazing, amazing...did I say AMAZING day!!!
That is because I FINISHED MY MASTERS PROGRAM TODAY!!! I officially graduated and have my Master's degree in Nursing. Next I'm on to boards!!! Woo Hoo!!!
Next, I listed my house for sale today. Well I should say I signed the contract and it will be listed for sale tomorrow. I know this will come as a great shock to a lot of people. But it is something I have been contemplating even before Jeremie passed away. This house was our dream together. He adored building it and working on it and crying over it and creating his dream. I loved seeing him do it. But that dream is no longer for me. And as I figure out how to move through this life on my own, I have discovered that this home no longer holds what it did for me. Sadly, it hurts to walk through it. It needs to be someone else's dream.
So, Cori and her darling children, minus the eldest adult child (who informs his mother that he will be moving out in 3-4 weeks), will be working her very hardest to buy her little baby dream house in Parowan. I have dreamed, and wished and begged to live there for YEARS! And now I have found a way to make the wish and dream a reality. I've always been a small town girl. So not only will this fulfill a life long dream of mine, but it will greatly assist my financial means as well. I will be cutting down my expenses! Yay! I now don't feel the pressure to have to either get a second job or find another higher paying job. I will have greater peace knowing I can support my kids all by myself, comfortably.
And before we start the whining of "oh my gosh you are going to have to commute!" Let me just inform you all that I drove to Cedar for 3 solid years for work and for school. I like the drive. And I want to LOVE where I live. And FYI, I don't live for work. Oh and I'm not crazy or impulsive. I have thought about this long and hard. And yes, my children are excited as well. It is an adventure, and life is short. We are going forward.
So a HUGE stinking day for my little family and myself. I'm feeling excited about our future. I'm excited to be raising my kids how I have always envisioned. I'm so grateful for everything and everyone in my life. I can't believe the daily blessings that I have the opportunity of counting. I will miss the incredible people I have been surrounded by since building our home. I don't know what I would have done without them and our Ward. I wish I could just pack them up and bring them with me. They made Jeremie's dream even more of a reality with his house. Wow...amazing, amazing life we have been given.
Lots of Love...to all you amazing people...
Cori
That is because I FINISHED MY MASTERS PROGRAM TODAY!!! I officially graduated and have my Master's degree in Nursing. Next I'm on to boards!!! Woo Hoo!!!
Next, I listed my house for sale today. Well I should say I signed the contract and it will be listed for sale tomorrow. I know this will come as a great shock to a lot of people. But it is something I have been contemplating even before Jeremie passed away. This house was our dream together. He adored building it and working on it and crying over it and creating his dream. I loved seeing him do it. But that dream is no longer for me. And as I figure out how to move through this life on my own, I have discovered that this home no longer holds what it did for me. Sadly, it hurts to walk through it. It needs to be someone else's dream.
So, Cori and her darling children, minus the eldest adult child (who informs his mother that he will be moving out in 3-4 weeks), will be working her very hardest to buy her little baby dream house in Parowan. I have dreamed, and wished and begged to live there for YEARS! And now I have found a way to make the wish and dream a reality. I've always been a small town girl. So not only will this fulfill a life long dream of mine, but it will greatly assist my financial means as well. I will be cutting down my expenses! Yay! I now don't feel the pressure to have to either get a second job or find another higher paying job. I will have greater peace knowing I can support my kids all by myself, comfortably.
And before we start the whining of "oh my gosh you are going to have to commute!" Let me just inform you all that I drove to Cedar for 3 solid years for work and for school. I like the drive. And I want to LOVE where I live. And FYI, I don't live for work. Oh and I'm not crazy or impulsive. I have thought about this long and hard. And yes, my children are excited as well. It is an adventure, and life is short. We are going forward.
So a HUGE stinking day for my little family and myself. I'm feeling excited about our future. I'm excited to be raising my kids how I have always envisioned. I'm so grateful for everything and everyone in my life. I can't believe the daily blessings that I have the opportunity of counting. I will miss the incredible people I have been surrounded by since building our home. I don't know what I would have done without them and our Ward. I wish I could just pack them up and bring them with me. They made Jeremie's dream even more of a reality with his house. Wow...amazing, amazing life we have been given.
Lots of Love...to all you amazing people...
Cori
Friday, January 6, 2012
01/06/2012
Okay Aunt Rexann...I'm updating this just for you. This should show you how much I love you ;-) Ha Ha Ha. Oh Heavens, where to begin. I was sort of hoping to ignore this and then the blog thing would just go away ;-)
Let's see...hmmm, well we got through Christmas, and even New Year's. We had made plans to go to Salt Lake for Christmas and spend time with the whole family in Salt Lake. My parents and sister and with Jeremie's parents and the Robin's and Claudette. But finances are a bit on the tight side of things, so I decided we were staying home. I was so nervous about this plan, as we were going to be alone...on Christmas. I had never done that, even when Jeremie was with us.
It was super hard to do all the Christmas shopping alone, wrapping the presents alone, and doing everything alone. I missed having someone to bounce ideas off of. That was the hardest part of Christmas. So I was pretty exhausted by Christmas Eve night. But, for some reason I was also really excited. I was a little goofy and wrapped EVERY LITTLE THING...and I mean even little candies :-) I don't know why, but it was so fun to see them unwrap things and not have a clue to what it was going to be :-)
I also made this Christmas my cooking Christmas (which I'm scared to death of cooking, as I hate making mistakes and avoid things I'm not comfortable with, but it's the new me, trying things that make my heart thump harder!). We had MeMe and PePe over Friday before Christmas and had a turkey dinner with all the fun stuff to go with it. And amazingly enough, no panic attack! I had so much fun cooking the whole day. Then the kids and I decided we were going to make all of our favorite things the whole weekend! My mom sent us a Honey Baked Ham for Christmas Eve., so we had that and her scalloped potatoes, which were the BOMB! We also decided to have friends over that night as well. It was so much fun!!!
Christmas morning was a lot of fun. We opened presents and then I went back to bed :-) Then we went for Christmas dinner to Parowan. Which I LOVE Parowan. And I'm so going to move there! It has been one of the places I just LOVE driving through. I tried to buy there before we built our house. But I couldn't quite get Jeremie to see my vision. Although he did love Bryce Canyon and going up to the Ski Resort. I just can breathe when I'm there. I love how small it is, and beautiful it is. So stay tuned, that will be my future town...oh yes, it will be mine ;-) Plus I want little horse :-)
I am incredibly boring. I've never really done the whole celebrating of New Year's thing. I really enjoy my bed and sleeping and I love watching movies and relaxing. So I enjoyed my 4 days off of work, studied my brains out and cleaned my house. Quite relaxing!
So going to work, finishing up school, raising kids, trying to figure out how I can dejunk and simplify my life and live it. I'm enjoying exercising for the first time in my life. I am finding out more about myself everyday. The kids are doing pretty good. I think we are finding our groove. I'm looking forward to 2012 being a great year, full of growth and opportunites to try new things and enjoy the wonderful life that we have.
I know that Jeremie trusted me, and I know that he trusted my decision making abilities. It is one of the qualities I miss about him most. Of course I'm not always so sure of my decision making abilities! But I think that mistakes are meant to be made, life is meant to be lived, and success comes in many different forms ;-) Cliche' I know! But when I start second guessing myself. I just think, what is the worse thing that is going to happen if it is a mistake? I just make it, don't ruminate about it and move on. Well okay, I ruminate a bit, okay, okay...a lot!
I have to laugh a bit at myself. When you have been with someone since you were 15, and all you envisioned was being with that person for your whole life, and then find yourself at 35 having to envison something completely different for yourself. It is SUPER SCARY! And it just might be this week. But I've found myself excited to figure this out.
Well...life calls...peace out!
Love,
Cori
Let's see...hmmm, well we got through Christmas, and even New Year's. We had made plans to go to Salt Lake for Christmas and spend time with the whole family in Salt Lake. My parents and sister and with Jeremie's parents and the Robin's and Claudette. But finances are a bit on the tight side of things, so I decided we were staying home. I was so nervous about this plan, as we were going to be alone...on Christmas. I had never done that, even when Jeremie was with us.
It was super hard to do all the Christmas shopping alone, wrapping the presents alone, and doing everything alone. I missed having someone to bounce ideas off of. That was the hardest part of Christmas. So I was pretty exhausted by Christmas Eve night. But, for some reason I was also really excited. I was a little goofy and wrapped EVERY LITTLE THING...and I mean even little candies :-) I don't know why, but it was so fun to see them unwrap things and not have a clue to what it was going to be :-)
I also made this Christmas my cooking Christmas (which I'm scared to death of cooking, as I hate making mistakes and avoid things I'm not comfortable with, but it's the new me, trying things that make my heart thump harder!). We had MeMe and PePe over Friday before Christmas and had a turkey dinner with all the fun stuff to go with it. And amazingly enough, no panic attack! I had so much fun cooking the whole day. Then the kids and I decided we were going to make all of our favorite things the whole weekend! My mom sent us a Honey Baked Ham for Christmas Eve., so we had that and her scalloped potatoes, which were the BOMB! We also decided to have friends over that night as well. It was so much fun!!!
Christmas morning was a lot of fun. We opened presents and then I went back to bed :-) Then we went for Christmas dinner to Parowan. Which I LOVE Parowan. And I'm so going to move there! It has been one of the places I just LOVE driving through. I tried to buy there before we built our house. But I couldn't quite get Jeremie to see my vision. Although he did love Bryce Canyon and going up to the Ski Resort. I just can breathe when I'm there. I love how small it is, and beautiful it is. So stay tuned, that will be my future town...oh yes, it will be mine ;-) Plus I want little horse :-)
I am incredibly boring. I've never really done the whole celebrating of New Year's thing. I really enjoy my bed and sleeping and I love watching movies and relaxing. So I enjoyed my 4 days off of work, studied my brains out and cleaned my house. Quite relaxing!
So going to work, finishing up school, raising kids, trying to figure out how I can dejunk and simplify my life and live it. I'm enjoying exercising for the first time in my life. I am finding out more about myself everyday. The kids are doing pretty good. I think we are finding our groove. I'm looking forward to 2012 being a great year, full of growth and opportunites to try new things and enjoy the wonderful life that we have.
I know that Jeremie trusted me, and I know that he trusted my decision making abilities. It is one of the qualities I miss about him most. Of course I'm not always so sure of my decision making abilities! But I think that mistakes are meant to be made, life is meant to be lived, and success comes in many different forms ;-) Cliche' I know! But when I start second guessing myself. I just think, what is the worse thing that is going to happen if it is a mistake? I just make it, don't ruminate about it and move on. Well okay, I ruminate a bit, okay, okay...a lot!
I have to laugh a bit at myself. When you have been with someone since you were 15, and all you envisioned was being with that person for your whole life, and then find yourself at 35 having to envison something completely different for yourself. It is SUPER SCARY! And it just might be this week. But I've found myself excited to figure this out.
Well...life calls...peace out!
Love,
Cori
Saturday, December 3, 2011
12-03-2011
It has been a couple of weeks since I last decided to write on "The Blog". It has been sort of stretching for me over the last several weeks. And I'm not thinking this is a bad thing. Well at least right now I'm not thinking it is a bad thing ;-)
I will hopefully be taking my Comprehensive Exam in the next couple of weeks. I'm hoping by December 14th to officially have my MSN. I'm of course sick of studying, but oh well, got to just get it done. It is terrible, I downloaded my review CD on my I-Phone, not the smartest thing I have ever done. I keep getting distracted by my songs, which I switch to while I'm trying to figure out what I listened to last. I can figure out all kinds of ways not to study.
We went to Seattle for Thanksgiving to see my bestest buddy and her sweet family. It was quite an adventure with 5 children and flying. It was their first time flying! Serious adventure! It went pretty slick though. Lil' Jeremie was a bit freaked out at first about the whole security thing, getting on the plane and taking off. But ended up doing quite well. Seattle was beautiful. The ocean was quite mind opening for me. The whole trip sort of changed my whole perspective on my life.
I had several epiphanies...which I'm not quite sure I'm ready to go into here. But there will come a time ;-)
I have definitely felt Jeremie close to me. And I'm feeling more confident in myself, and my ability to be myself again. I'm finally feeling like I'm moving in some sort of direction. I'm not so paranoid anymore that it is even the wrong direction. The staying still, the not progressing, the not moving forward or not making mistakes is not what my life is about.
The last several weeks have been mind and body changing for me. I have laughed so hard I have cried. I have felt excitement and had loads of fun. It feels good to have those fun emotions again. I'm not going to say it has been easy by any means. At times it has been so anxiety producing I have difficulty in controlling the shaking my body seems to do when I'm scared out of my mind. BUT I'm learning to embrace this!!! I haven't regretted it! Not a single time! So I'm stretching and growing.
I can say that I'm happy. And it doesn't break my heart to feel that way. I think about this last year, and I don't know how we all did it. But we did, and we are all better for it. We are so strong, and love each other so much, and don't want to take a single day for granted. I love the life that Jeremie and I worked so hard to build, and this last week I was reminded why we worked so hard for it. I'm so grateful, so so so grateful for this sweet gift he left me.
Well that is sort of the gist of our lives at the moment. I'm actually okay. Kids are okay. We are okay. Does that mean we don't have our challenges? Duh...of course not! But life is short, move on. Breathe, soak in the tub and buy new sweat pants! Key to happiness ;-)
Lots of Love...
Cori
I will hopefully be taking my Comprehensive Exam in the next couple of weeks. I'm hoping by December 14th to officially have my MSN. I'm of course sick of studying, but oh well, got to just get it done. It is terrible, I downloaded my review CD on my I-Phone, not the smartest thing I have ever done. I keep getting distracted by my songs, which I switch to while I'm trying to figure out what I listened to last. I can figure out all kinds of ways not to study.
We went to Seattle for Thanksgiving to see my bestest buddy and her sweet family. It was quite an adventure with 5 children and flying. It was their first time flying! Serious adventure! It went pretty slick though. Lil' Jeremie was a bit freaked out at first about the whole security thing, getting on the plane and taking off. But ended up doing quite well. Seattle was beautiful. The ocean was quite mind opening for me. The whole trip sort of changed my whole perspective on my life.
I had several epiphanies...which I'm not quite sure I'm ready to go into here. But there will come a time ;-)
I have definitely felt Jeremie close to me. And I'm feeling more confident in myself, and my ability to be myself again. I'm finally feeling like I'm moving in some sort of direction. I'm not so paranoid anymore that it is even the wrong direction. The staying still, the not progressing, the not moving forward or not making mistakes is not what my life is about.
The last several weeks have been mind and body changing for me. I have laughed so hard I have cried. I have felt excitement and had loads of fun. It feels good to have those fun emotions again. I'm not going to say it has been easy by any means. At times it has been so anxiety producing I have difficulty in controlling the shaking my body seems to do when I'm scared out of my mind. BUT I'm learning to embrace this!!! I haven't regretted it! Not a single time! So I'm stretching and growing.
I can say that I'm happy. And it doesn't break my heart to feel that way. I think about this last year, and I don't know how we all did it. But we did, and we are all better for it. We are so strong, and love each other so much, and don't want to take a single day for granted. I love the life that Jeremie and I worked so hard to build, and this last week I was reminded why we worked so hard for it. I'm so grateful, so so so grateful for this sweet gift he left me.
Well that is sort of the gist of our lives at the moment. I'm actually okay. Kids are okay. We are okay. Does that mean we don't have our challenges? Duh...of course not! But life is short, move on. Breathe, soak in the tub and buy new sweat pants! Key to happiness ;-)
Lots of Love...
Cori
Friday, November 18, 2011
11-18-11
I must be needing to study. The blog seems more interesting right now. Actually everything seems more interesting right now. Something is wrong with this picture. A) I'm writing on the blog on Friday night and B) I'm studying on Friday night. These are not my greatest days...eck. This is supposed to be my date night...grrrr! Where is my date? He better be doing something really cool right now, cause I'm getting really annoyed at having to find other things to do with my time ;-) Yeah, I miss him. Duh, huh?
So do you think there is anything wrong with wanting to duct tape your children? I'm debating on buying Costco size bulk duct tape package's. Again...miss the other parent around. He used to do the whole student/parent meeting nightmare. I love doing it...nothing makes me happier (insert heavy sarcasm). Mix with that the challenges of having an 18 year old that is driving me NUTS!!!
I'm fighting with every fiber in my being to be nice and polite to the sweet little children that share our home. But I'm thinking of asking them to call me something different than Mom. I miss when they were little. I could bath them, feed them, love them and easily entertain them. Now I feel like I haven't left work when I come home. Cause it just continues ;-)
I'm finding myself, doing anything and everything different that I can. Doing things that are quite stretching and growing for myself. I find that I become quite proud of myself, and exhausted because I have sent my anxiety through the roof. But I have learned that life is short (get out of town...right?).
Well my kids are little monsters, nothing has changed on that front. I'm still not on the behavioral health unit (amazing I know!) and I'm hopefully going to be taking my test super soon. So I will get done with whining and on with studying...but thanks for letting me take the break :-)
Love to all...
Cori
So do you think there is anything wrong with wanting to duct tape your children? I'm debating on buying Costco size bulk duct tape package's. Again...miss the other parent around. He used to do the whole student/parent meeting nightmare. I love doing it...nothing makes me happier (insert heavy sarcasm). Mix with that the challenges of having an 18 year old that is driving me NUTS!!!
I'm fighting with every fiber in my being to be nice and polite to the sweet little children that share our home. But I'm thinking of asking them to call me something different than Mom. I miss when they were little. I could bath them, feed them, love them and easily entertain them. Now I feel like I haven't left work when I come home. Cause it just continues ;-)
I'm finding myself, doing anything and everything different that I can. Doing things that are quite stretching and growing for myself. I find that I become quite proud of myself, and exhausted because I have sent my anxiety through the roof. But I have learned that life is short (get out of town...right?).
Well my kids are little monsters, nothing has changed on that front. I'm still not on the behavioral health unit (amazing I know!) and I'm hopefully going to be taking my test super soon. So I will get done with whining and on with studying...but thanks for letting me take the break :-)
Love to all...
Cori
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
11-9-11
Fair warning...I'm super whiny.
My brain feels like mush. I used to know how to think. And I used to be really clear in the direction I wanted to go in my life. I used to be really confident and know exactly who I am and what I wanted to improve on.
Cori, or who was formerly known as Cori ran away. I'm not quite sure where she went or if she is ever going to be back. I hope wherever she is, she is enjoying herself. Because who is left behind is seriously freaked out, and really doesn't want to do this anymore.
The more time that goes by without Jeremie, the more difficult it seems to be getting. I think it was easier in the beginning. Odd huh? My best friend, the other side of my brain, the tender, sweet, funny half of me died. I'm left with a shell, and don't know how to fill it anymore. I used to think that I understood what existence was for. I used to think that I could get through all of these challenges that life threw at me. That with faith, hope and love all things would be alright. Do I still have those things? Of course. But they feel different. I feel different. It certainly isn't pleasant.
Grief and pain are so individual. I'm blessed to work with amazing people everyday, who I attempt to throw at them what is floating around in my brain, and they come up with amazing ideas and thoughts that might help me better deal with my day to day life. For moments these are helpful. Frequently, however I am left still empty. Alone in my head trying to figure out how in the world I am supposed to figure this all out.
The soul-crushing pain that has decided to make an appearance lately is quite a surprise. Jeremie used to say his bone pain could be described as an exquisite sort of pain. I understand what he means by that now. I'm taken by surprise when it hits me. The oddest of moments. The oddest of circumstances. My breathe is taken from me daily. I want to hear his perspective, I want to hear him get mad, I want to hear that he loves me and I want him to laugh at his kids.
I have this wall that jumps up in front of me and I slam into it every time I expect to hear his comments or see his face and expression. I am so honored and touched by people that want to help me through this. I just don't know how to go about it. I think I just have to go through it, there is no way around it. There is no way to pretend it doesn't exist. And trying to be patient enough with myself to work through this terrible pain is difficult.
I'm struggling with day to day existence of not having Jeremie by my side to raise a large family and maintain our home, cars and life. Even though he was sick the last year, I could call him, or run something into him, or talk to him about what I was attempting to fix or do. Just having him laugh at me because I was swearing at the toilet, made it all okay. I know I am surrounded by people that want to help me. But I just want to be able to do it myself. I sound like a 4 year old! Trying to figure out how to do this on my own is a process. I know it is painful to look at or be around. Be patient with me. I promise I will ask for help if I need it. At some point I have to learn to do this...alone. I know, I know...I'm not alone. But I am.
It is funny I was asking a friend how they did the whole single-parent thing. I laughed because it struck a cord with me. I'm hard-wired for certain things. Like laundry, cleaning, making my kids brush their teeth, herding them etc. But I'm not hard-wired for other things, such as school projects or Halloween, or jokes. Trying to put a package together in myself to make-up for those other things is a real struggle, while also mixing in Who is Cori...where did she go...is she going to be different forever?
I decided to play with Jeremie's Ipod yesterday. This song popped up first...ugh...just pain, and a perfect description...Youtube had the video...of course I just cry...http://youtu.be/5anLPw0Efmo
I just miss my friend. He knew me like no other. Inside and out. I just ache and feel a bit broken. But again, duct tape is an alternative.
Love you all...
Cori
My brain feels like mush. I used to know how to think. And I used to be really clear in the direction I wanted to go in my life. I used to be really confident and know exactly who I am and what I wanted to improve on.
Cori, or who was formerly known as Cori ran away. I'm not quite sure where she went or if she is ever going to be back. I hope wherever she is, she is enjoying herself. Because who is left behind is seriously freaked out, and really doesn't want to do this anymore.
The more time that goes by without Jeremie, the more difficult it seems to be getting. I think it was easier in the beginning. Odd huh? My best friend, the other side of my brain, the tender, sweet, funny half of me died. I'm left with a shell, and don't know how to fill it anymore. I used to think that I understood what existence was for. I used to think that I could get through all of these challenges that life threw at me. That with faith, hope and love all things would be alright. Do I still have those things? Of course. But they feel different. I feel different. It certainly isn't pleasant.
Grief and pain are so individual. I'm blessed to work with amazing people everyday, who I attempt to throw at them what is floating around in my brain, and they come up with amazing ideas and thoughts that might help me better deal with my day to day life. For moments these are helpful. Frequently, however I am left still empty. Alone in my head trying to figure out how in the world I am supposed to figure this all out.
The soul-crushing pain that has decided to make an appearance lately is quite a surprise. Jeremie used to say his bone pain could be described as an exquisite sort of pain. I understand what he means by that now. I'm taken by surprise when it hits me. The oddest of moments. The oddest of circumstances. My breathe is taken from me daily. I want to hear his perspective, I want to hear him get mad, I want to hear that he loves me and I want him to laugh at his kids.
I have this wall that jumps up in front of me and I slam into it every time I expect to hear his comments or see his face and expression. I am so honored and touched by people that want to help me through this. I just don't know how to go about it. I think I just have to go through it, there is no way around it. There is no way to pretend it doesn't exist. And trying to be patient enough with myself to work through this terrible pain is difficult.
I'm struggling with day to day existence of not having Jeremie by my side to raise a large family and maintain our home, cars and life. Even though he was sick the last year, I could call him, or run something into him, or talk to him about what I was attempting to fix or do. Just having him laugh at me because I was swearing at the toilet, made it all okay. I know I am surrounded by people that want to help me. But I just want to be able to do it myself. I sound like a 4 year old! Trying to figure out how to do this on my own is a process. I know it is painful to look at or be around. Be patient with me. I promise I will ask for help if I need it. At some point I have to learn to do this...alone. I know, I know...I'm not alone. But I am.
It is funny I was asking a friend how they did the whole single-parent thing. I laughed because it struck a cord with me. I'm hard-wired for certain things. Like laundry, cleaning, making my kids brush their teeth, herding them etc. But I'm not hard-wired for other things, such as school projects or Halloween, or jokes. Trying to put a package together in myself to make-up for those other things is a real struggle, while also mixing in Who is Cori...where did she go...is she going to be different forever?
I decided to play with Jeremie's Ipod yesterday. This song popped up first...ugh...just pain, and a perfect description...Youtube had the video...of course I just cry...http://youtu.be/5anLPw0Efmo
I just miss my friend. He knew me like no other. Inside and out. I just ache and feel a bit broken. But again, duct tape is an alternative.
Love you all...
Cori
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