Okay I started a new blog...
www.coriandkids.blogspot.com
Thursday, May 10, 2012
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
05-09-12
Well this is going to be my last update on this blog. I will probably shut it down this weekend. It has been an awesome tool in communicating with friends and family with updates on our lives. But like I have said in about 50 other posts long ago, I really value my privacy. This was truly an exercise in sharing and expressing myself. It was an incredible outlet in which to share a very intimate and difficult part of my life. I found it scary and therapeutic :-) But this blog was also about our journey as a family through leukemia. And that journey sadly came to an end.
Cancer is scary and sad. It definitely has influenced me as a human being and obviously affected my life and that of my children's. I'm tired of it, and so are my kids. We practice moving forward each day in our lives. I pray and hope for miracles each day, that some way, someone will find a way of curing cancer, in all forms and for everyone. At this time in our lives we are choosing to walk away from Cancer, and working on not letting it consume our lives. Part of that is letting this blog go.
So I'm going old school! I deactivated my facebook account and deactivating the blog. Please feel free to shoot me an email, text or give us a call :-) I'd be happy to talk and visit. I miss the intimacy of real relationships, and really don't need the world knowing and being part of my life. Plus we are just stinking boring, who wants to hear about that! And boring is just the way we like it!
Sweet friends, family, neighbors, everyone who has loved, prayed and supported not only myself, but my children, WE LOVE YOU!!!!! And thank you so very much!!!! Truly, THANK YOU!!!!
Lots of Love....
Cori
Cancer is scary and sad. It definitely has influenced me as a human being and obviously affected my life and that of my children's. I'm tired of it, and so are my kids. We practice moving forward each day in our lives. I pray and hope for miracles each day, that some way, someone will find a way of curing cancer, in all forms and for everyone. At this time in our lives we are choosing to walk away from Cancer, and working on not letting it consume our lives. Part of that is letting this blog go.
So I'm going old school! I deactivated my facebook account and deactivating the blog. Please feel free to shoot me an email, text or give us a call :-) I'd be happy to talk and visit. I miss the intimacy of real relationships, and really don't need the world knowing and being part of my life. Plus we are just stinking boring, who wants to hear about that! And boring is just the way we like it!
Sweet friends, family, neighbors, everyone who has loved, prayed and supported not only myself, but my children, WE LOVE YOU!!!!! And thank you so very much!!!! Truly, THANK YOU!!!!
Lots of Love....
Cori
Friday, April 20, 2012
04-20-12
Well I had to update real quick...
I PASSED MY FAMILY NURSE PRACTITIONER BOARDS!!! WOO HOO!!! In a couple of weeks I will be offically licensed in the grand State of Utah as a C-FNP!!! So very happy and excited. A super, super long road full of all kinds of changes in my life.
Quick update on kidlets...they are all monsters and keep me hopping. But really that is no change ;-)
I'm not planning on leaving my current place of employment. I enjoy what I do. And hopefully we will see how my position evolves. Southwest Center has been so amazing to not only myself, but my family. I wouldn't have been able to finish school without their support, and currently I wouldn't know what to do without all of their skills, love, and support emotionally! Seriously again...I have access to mental health therapists! I think they give me a job to keep from dealing with me as a client ;-) ha ha ha!!!
Still ABSOLUTELY loving Parowan! My soul is at peace! I love living and growing each day there. I LOVE my cupcake cottage, and I'm so excited for changes that are coming! If I can just stick to a plan! I just want to do so much, all at once!
Peace, peace, peace....just loving the peace in my life :-) Of course I always have plenty to complain about...but the main theme is just growing, stretching, changing, evolving peace :-)
Well lots of love...
Cori
I PASSED MY FAMILY NURSE PRACTITIONER BOARDS!!! WOO HOO!!! In a couple of weeks I will be offically licensed in the grand State of Utah as a C-FNP!!! So very happy and excited. A super, super long road full of all kinds of changes in my life.
Quick update on kidlets...they are all monsters and keep me hopping. But really that is no change ;-)
I'm not planning on leaving my current place of employment. I enjoy what I do. And hopefully we will see how my position evolves. Southwest Center has been so amazing to not only myself, but my family. I wouldn't have been able to finish school without their support, and currently I wouldn't know what to do without all of their skills, love, and support emotionally! Seriously again...I have access to mental health therapists! I think they give me a job to keep from dealing with me as a client ;-) ha ha ha!!!
Still ABSOLUTELY loving Parowan! My soul is at peace! I love living and growing each day there. I LOVE my cupcake cottage, and I'm so excited for changes that are coming! If I can just stick to a plan! I just want to do so much, all at once!
Peace, peace, peace....just loving the peace in my life :-) Of course I always have plenty to complain about...but the main theme is just growing, stretching, changing, evolving peace :-)
Well lots of love...
Cori
Thursday, March 22, 2012
03-22-12
This proves my love for my Aunt Rexann! Hee hee hee ;-)
It has been a month since I posted on "the Blog". I think I might have to come up with another blog.."The adventures and mishaps of Cori Saville". I think it will be pretty epic ;-)
Well, first things first. The house is officially sold. On 03/09/12 (Harrison's B-Day) I sold/closed on our home in Washington Fields. I wish I could say I was emotional and sad at the selling. I felt a great release, and pressure off of my shoulders. Of course I miss my neighborhood and my ward. Sadly that house held memories of my sick husband. We of course had wonderful memories there as well. But the pressure and stress of it was just too much.
I'm now waiting for the selling of my house to be off of my credit (doing a rapid re score), so that I may close on my little house in Parowan. I JUST LOVE IT!!!! Can I just share my joy and absolute rapture I feel in living in this house!!! The peace and contentment that I feel everyday is incredible. A dream I have imagined for so long has come true!!! Over the last several years I was starting to think that I was cursed! How dare I dream a dream and dare it to come true! Of course this little house needs some work. It is part of my joy, and happiness! I LOVE YARD! I just stare out at it and imagine my future horse and stable. I imagine my little deck, and my future garden. Happy, happy thoughts!!!
Meanwhile...I swear I hear Jeremie laughing at me! I know what he would say! I know he would be saying "uh...your weird!". It makes me laugh harder to imagine what he would think and say! But he knew I always wanted this. He had to drive me up there for the last several years (yes he was humoring me) and hear my babbling about how I will live in Parowan someday. Even if I buy a little house all by myself, and come up on the weekends and we just have Thanksgiving and Christmas there! Ha Ha Ha!!!
The kids have started school. And so far so good! Phoenix & Jeremie's favorite part is the FOOD! They said it is the best school lunch food they have ever had! Jeremie went to Brian Head today to go skiing with his class (first time ever, think he will love skiing like his dad, or a boob and hate it like his mom?). Harrison loves all the girls (of course) and Scarlett is quite taken with the "Cowboys". Don't ask them about academics! Parowan is such a different feel for us, it feels pretty good. Of course we are all still adjusting. It has been such a crazy couple of years for us, I keep waiting for a meltdown to occur.
I'm commuting to St. George, and I'm enjoying my hour ride to work listening to my review tapes (take my licensing and board exam 04/16/12), and coming home I enjoy my hour by myself to center and relax. I feel that I have found something I've been searching for. It is hard to describe, my peace and contentment. Frankly its weird for me too! I'm a busy body, but I'm liking the slower and simpler life. Although really, can I say slower with all these kids coming out my ears! ;-) ha ha ha!!!
Of course everyday is still an adventure in single-parenthood...I don't love that everyday. I picked out 12 BB pellets from the garbage disposal last night! Grrr...and retraining my children in my OCD-we-all-share-one-bathroom-ways is so much fun too! But at the same time, adjusting and learning and loving. We all have to learn that change constantly happens, so we can be pleasant and flexible or mean and grouchy! Okay, sometimes I'm mean and grouchy!!! ;-)
I'm looking forward to spring and playing in my yard. I plan on being outside EVERYDAY! What are my kids going to do...they will actually be able to play outside during the summer! WEIRD! Ha Ha Ha!!! Even now, it is hard to keep us in.
I've been so excited to run in Parowan (haven't been able to run in 3-4 weeks!). I'm a night runner. I just can't do it in the morning. I have to have my full day of food in my body and everything done, then I get the urge to go run. Last night I was not disappointed. It was so beautiful! The stars so bright, the air so fresh! It felt amazing. Although I forgot I'm at a higher altitude, so my endurance is definitely off. But it's okay, I will get it back. There are these beautiful canyons, and once I have built up a bit more strength, I will run through them. I'm so excited to run through! It takes my breath away how beautiful it is in Parowan. And something about running through those mountains and hills just leaves me feeling alive.
Well...maybe I need to come up with a different blogging spot...it might make me feel less weird about posting. And I should get in a better habit too of writing...although, really I plan on my life being incredibly boring!!!
Lots of Love...
Cori
It has been a month since I posted on "the Blog". I think I might have to come up with another blog.."The adventures and mishaps of Cori Saville". I think it will be pretty epic ;-)
Well, first things first. The house is officially sold. On 03/09/12 (Harrison's B-Day) I sold/closed on our home in Washington Fields. I wish I could say I was emotional and sad at the selling. I felt a great release, and pressure off of my shoulders. Of course I miss my neighborhood and my ward. Sadly that house held memories of my sick husband. We of course had wonderful memories there as well. But the pressure and stress of it was just too much.
I'm now waiting for the selling of my house to be off of my credit (doing a rapid re score), so that I may close on my little house in Parowan. I JUST LOVE IT!!!! Can I just share my joy and absolute rapture I feel in living in this house!!! The peace and contentment that I feel everyday is incredible. A dream I have imagined for so long has come true!!! Over the last several years I was starting to think that I was cursed! How dare I dream a dream and dare it to come true! Of course this little house needs some work. It is part of my joy, and happiness! I LOVE YARD! I just stare out at it and imagine my future horse and stable. I imagine my little deck, and my future garden. Happy, happy thoughts!!!
Meanwhile...I swear I hear Jeremie laughing at me! I know what he would say! I know he would be saying "uh...your weird!". It makes me laugh harder to imagine what he would think and say! But he knew I always wanted this. He had to drive me up there for the last several years (yes he was humoring me) and hear my babbling about how I will live in Parowan someday. Even if I buy a little house all by myself, and come up on the weekends and we just have Thanksgiving and Christmas there! Ha Ha Ha!!!
The kids have started school. And so far so good! Phoenix & Jeremie's favorite part is the FOOD! They said it is the best school lunch food they have ever had! Jeremie went to Brian Head today to go skiing with his class (first time ever, think he will love skiing like his dad, or a boob and hate it like his mom?). Harrison loves all the girls (of course) and Scarlett is quite taken with the "Cowboys". Don't ask them about academics! Parowan is such a different feel for us, it feels pretty good. Of course we are all still adjusting. It has been such a crazy couple of years for us, I keep waiting for a meltdown to occur.
I'm commuting to St. George, and I'm enjoying my hour ride to work listening to my review tapes (take my licensing and board exam 04/16/12), and coming home I enjoy my hour by myself to center and relax. I feel that I have found something I've been searching for. It is hard to describe, my peace and contentment. Frankly its weird for me too! I'm a busy body, but I'm liking the slower and simpler life. Although really, can I say slower with all these kids coming out my ears! ;-) ha ha ha!!!
Of course everyday is still an adventure in single-parenthood...I don't love that everyday. I picked out 12 BB pellets from the garbage disposal last night! Grrr...and retraining my children in my OCD-we-all-share-one-bathroom-ways is so much fun too! But at the same time, adjusting and learning and loving. We all have to learn that change constantly happens, so we can be pleasant and flexible or mean and grouchy! Okay, sometimes I'm mean and grouchy!!! ;-)
I'm looking forward to spring and playing in my yard. I plan on being outside EVERYDAY! What are my kids going to do...they will actually be able to play outside during the summer! WEIRD! Ha Ha Ha!!! Even now, it is hard to keep us in.
I've been so excited to run in Parowan (haven't been able to run in 3-4 weeks!). I'm a night runner. I just can't do it in the morning. I have to have my full day of food in my body and everything done, then I get the urge to go run. Last night I was not disappointed. It was so beautiful! The stars so bright, the air so fresh! It felt amazing. Although I forgot I'm at a higher altitude, so my endurance is definitely off. But it's okay, I will get it back. There are these beautiful canyons, and once I have built up a bit more strength, I will run through them. I'm so excited to run through! It takes my breath away how beautiful it is in Parowan. And something about running through those mountains and hills just leaves me feeling alive.
Well...maybe I need to come up with a different blogging spot...it might make me feel less weird about posting. And I should get in a better habit too of writing...although, really I plan on my life being incredibly boring!!!
Lots of Love...
Cori
Thursday, February 23, 2012
02-23-12
Hmmm...
So I knew these last several weeks were going to be the hard ones. I knew that a year ago. That a year from now, I wouldn't want to remember these moments. I wouldn't want to remember pain, sadness and emptiness. At least I was prepared for it to be terrible. Valentines day last year was marked by an emergency admittance to LDS hospital to start transplant proceedings fast! It was the day I learned I could let go. It was the day Jeremie begged me to let him go. Pain, pain, pain.
Life is surreal...things you never ever thought you would have to endure. Things you never thought you would have to even think about. Things that you thought should never have to happen. They all did. Even now I sit...and my breathe is taken from me...the reality hits. I'm truly alone. I'm not saying that out of pain or sadness, but just as a matter of fact. And it's odd.
It is funny the things that will bring me to my knee's. Getting off of work...my habit for my whole adult life was to call Jeremie. Do you know I still get off of work and reach for my phone? I went to a conference in Vegas this last week. I was sitting there and all of a sudden I panicked...I forgot to call Jeremie! Ha Ha Ha!!! Huh? I don't even have anyone to check in with. It just weirded me out! I haven't done that in 19 months!
The time thing is funny for me too. Yes he died 7 months ago today. But MY Jeremie was taken from me 19 months ago. My healthy, vibrant, pain in the bum, silly, sarcastic, larger than life, creative, passionate, bossy husband has been gone since July 2010. And my favorite time to remember him is when he wasn't sick. Truly he was such a great friend, I miss that most.
I get whiny every now and again. Actually I think I'm just tired. Single parenthood stinks, I don't recommend it EVER. And not only that, it isn't like I got divorced, and my former spouse will take the kids occasionally. I have them all to myself all the time. Yes, this is why I love my bathtub and my locking bedroom door ;-) And then I think they are stuck with me ALL the time too! Poor kids!
I think we are still adjusting okay? Still figuring out how our little family fits together. I'm a different parent. I'm hoping I'm working on being a better one. One thing about loosing your best friend, is learning that life is so short. And really, the small stuff is just small. Of course I need to tell my OCD brain that and get it on board with that program!
I'm SO excited to be moving! I'm so excited to work on this adorable little house we are buying. And I'm so excited to be living how I've always dreamed. Now, I just have to get my brain tuned into this moving again non-sense ;-)
Despite my whining...I'm so thankful for the gifts in my life. I'm surrounded by incredible friends and family. I've loved experiencing new things, that I have never had the chance to experience before. I'm enjoying learning about myself, and learning to stretch and trust myself. And trying so hard not to be afraid. I can do this :-)
Oh and this Valentine's Day rocked! Here is to next year being full of positive memories and experiences...I think we all deserve them :-)
Love to all...
Cori
So I knew these last several weeks were going to be the hard ones. I knew that a year ago. That a year from now, I wouldn't want to remember these moments. I wouldn't want to remember pain, sadness and emptiness. At least I was prepared for it to be terrible. Valentines day last year was marked by an emergency admittance to LDS hospital to start transplant proceedings fast! It was the day I learned I could let go. It was the day Jeremie begged me to let him go. Pain, pain, pain.
Life is surreal...things you never ever thought you would have to endure. Things you never thought you would have to even think about. Things that you thought should never have to happen. They all did. Even now I sit...and my breathe is taken from me...the reality hits. I'm truly alone. I'm not saying that out of pain or sadness, but just as a matter of fact. And it's odd.
It is funny the things that will bring me to my knee's. Getting off of work...my habit for my whole adult life was to call Jeremie. Do you know I still get off of work and reach for my phone? I went to a conference in Vegas this last week. I was sitting there and all of a sudden I panicked...I forgot to call Jeremie! Ha Ha Ha!!! Huh? I don't even have anyone to check in with. It just weirded me out! I haven't done that in 19 months!
The time thing is funny for me too. Yes he died 7 months ago today. But MY Jeremie was taken from me 19 months ago. My healthy, vibrant, pain in the bum, silly, sarcastic, larger than life, creative, passionate, bossy husband has been gone since July 2010. And my favorite time to remember him is when he wasn't sick. Truly he was such a great friend, I miss that most.
I get whiny every now and again. Actually I think I'm just tired. Single parenthood stinks, I don't recommend it EVER. And not only that, it isn't like I got divorced, and my former spouse will take the kids occasionally. I have them all to myself all the time. Yes, this is why I love my bathtub and my locking bedroom door ;-) And then I think they are stuck with me ALL the time too! Poor kids!
I think we are still adjusting okay? Still figuring out how our little family fits together. I'm a different parent. I'm hoping I'm working on being a better one. One thing about loosing your best friend, is learning that life is so short. And really, the small stuff is just small. Of course I need to tell my OCD brain that and get it on board with that program!
I'm SO excited to be moving! I'm so excited to work on this adorable little house we are buying. And I'm so excited to be living how I've always dreamed. Now, I just have to get my brain tuned into this moving again non-sense ;-)
Despite my whining...I'm so thankful for the gifts in my life. I'm surrounded by incredible friends and family. I've loved experiencing new things, that I have never had the chance to experience before. I'm enjoying learning about myself, and learning to stretch and trust myself. And trying so hard not to be afraid. I can do this :-)
Oh and this Valentine's Day rocked! Here is to next year being full of positive memories and experiences...I think we all deserve them :-)
Love to all...
Cori
Thursday, February 2, 2012
02/02/2012
Well it has been another couple of weeks of change. Never stops does it! I'm starting to get a bit more confident in making decisions. Still making a lot of mistakes with those decisions, but nothing too life threatening yet ;-) I definitely have a perfection issue. And I'm working so hard to say to myself that "it doesn't have to be perfect", and my brain is saying "are you insane?"
So the big news! We sold the house! Yup! You heard right! The house was listed officially on 01/24/2012, was shown on 01/25/12, and I had two offers on 01/26/2012 and picked the best offer on 01/27/2012. Can you believe it! Nothing in my life goes this easy! NOTHING! I can't believe this is. So I'm closing on 02/27/2012. I'm hoping to close very soon after on my little baby house in PAROWAN!!!! WE ARE SO EXCITED!!! And yes that is WE.
Let me get a couple of misconceptions out of the way about me, myself and I. I am made up of a family unit consisting of Scarlett, Harrison, Jeremie Jr. and Phoenix. WE talk about how we want to live our lives, and what goals and dreams we want to go for. I have explained to them what mine are, I asked if they wanted to go to Parowan and give this little life a shot...my answer, without hesitation was YES! And, can we do it now?! We had the option of staying in our home until the end of the school year. I asked my family. THEY decided that they are ready now, they want to move as soon as possible.
If they told me they didn't want to move, didn't want to switch schools. I would just be figuring out how to have a second job, or maybe finding a higher paying job. While not ideal, I want what is best and least stressful for my children. They are looking forward to a scaled down, relaxed life full of all kinds of different adventures. I'm so blessed to be surrounded by these amazing people I get to call my children.
Alex is going to be moving out February 3rd :-) I'm very excited for him. He has a new girl fiend he adores and is enjoying working at the shop. I'm nervous as a mother, because he is my son, no matter if he is an adult. So I'm struggling on one hand and doing a dance on the other!
While I'm so excited that dreams and goals I have thought about for so long in my life are actually happening. The daily struggle of figuring everything else is still quite daunting to me. I struggle for sure trying to be a mom all by myself. I struggle with the whole alone thing (that one more than I like to admit). So I think that is why I have taken to doing things I've always wanted to do. I've have found myself with quite a bit of time on my hands. My usual M.O. is to then increase the amount of junk I have on my plate. But I have finally learned that isn't effective and I'm sick of feeling stressed out. I like to exercise, still hate anything having to do with scrap booking (YUCK, would rather die!), I like to clean, but really how much of that can you do ALL the time? So my little house will be my project. And part of my little 2 year plan (yes I have those) is to have a horse! Oh and maybe I will throw a DNP in there sometime too ;-)
Well here is to self-discovery!
Lots of Love,
Cori
So the big news! We sold the house! Yup! You heard right! The house was listed officially on 01/24/2012, was shown on 01/25/12, and I had two offers on 01/26/2012 and picked the best offer on 01/27/2012. Can you believe it! Nothing in my life goes this easy! NOTHING! I can't believe this is. So I'm closing on 02/27/2012. I'm hoping to close very soon after on my little baby house in PAROWAN!!!! WE ARE SO EXCITED!!! And yes that is WE.
Let me get a couple of misconceptions out of the way about me, myself and I. I am made up of a family unit consisting of Scarlett, Harrison, Jeremie Jr. and Phoenix. WE talk about how we want to live our lives, and what goals and dreams we want to go for. I have explained to them what mine are, I asked if they wanted to go to Parowan and give this little life a shot...my answer, without hesitation was YES! And, can we do it now?! We had the option of staying in our home until the end of the school year. I asked my family. THEY decided that they are ready now, they want to move as soon as possible.
If they told me they didn't want to move, didn't want to switch schools. I would just be figuring out how to have a second job, or maybe finding a higher paying job. While not ideal, I want what is best and least stressful for my children. They are looking forward to a scaled down, relaxed life full of all kinds of different adventures. I'm so blessed to be surrounded by these amazing people I get to call my children.
Alex is going to be moving out February 3rd :-) I'm very excited for him. He has a new girl fiend he adores and is enjoying working at the shop. I'm nervous as a mother, because he is my son, no matter if he is an adult. So I'm struggling on one hand and doing a dance on the other!
While I'm so excited that dreams and goals I have thought about for so long in my life are actually happening. The daily struggle of figuring everything else is still quite daunting to me. I struggle for sure trying to be a mom all by myself. I struggle with the whole alone thing (that one more than I like to admit). So I think that is why I have taken to doing things I've always wanted to do. I've have found myself with quite a bit of time on my hands. My usual M.O. is to then increase the amount of junk I have on my plate. But I have finally learned that isn't effective and I'm sick of feeling stressed out. I like to exercise, still hate anything having to do with scrap booking (YUCK, would rather die!), I like to clean, but really how much of that can you do ALL the time? So my little house will be my project. And part of my little 2 year plan (yes I have those) is to have a horse! Oh and maybe I will throw a DNP in there sometime too ;-)
Well here is to self-discovery!
Lots of Love,
Cori
Thursday, January 19, 2012
1-19-2012
Look I'm updating the blog faster than last time. Probably because I have a lot of stuff going on. Today has been an amazing, amazing...did I say AMAZING day!!!
That is because I FINISHED MY MASTERS PROGRAM TODAY!!! I officially graduated and have my Master's degree in Nursing. Next I'm on to boards!!! Woo Hoo!!!
Next, I listed my house for sale today. Well I should say I signed the contract and it will be listed for sale tomorrow. I know this will come as a great shock to a lot of people. But it is something I have been contemplating even before Jeremie passed away. This house was our dream together. He adored building it and working on it and crying over it and creating his dream. I loved seeing him do it. But that dream is no longer for me. And as I figure out how to move through this life on my own, I have discovered that this home no longer holds what it did for me. Sadly, it hurts to walk through it. It needs to be someone else's dream.
So, Cori and her darling children, minus the eldest adult child (who informs his mother that he will be moving out in 3-4 weeks), will be working her very hardest to buy her little baby dream house in Parowan. I have dreamed, and wished and begged to live there for YEARS! And now I have found a way to make the wish and dream a reality. I've always been a small town girl. So not only will this fulfill a life long dream of mine, but it will greatly assist my financial means as well. I will be cutting down my expenses! Yay! I now don't feel the pressure to have to either get a second job or find another higher paying job. I will have greater peace knowing I can support my kids all by myself, comfortably.
And before we start the whining of "oh my gosh you are going to have to commute!" Let me just inform you all that I drove to Cedar for 3 solid years for work and for school. I like the drive. And I want to LOVE where I live. And FYI, I don't live for work. Oh and I'm not crazy or impulsive. I have thought about this long and hard. And yes, my children are excited as well. It is an adventure, and life is short. We are going forward.
So a HUGE stinking day for my little family and myself. I'm feeling excited about our future. I'm excited to be raising my kids how I have always envisioned. I'm so grateful for everything and everyone in my life. I can't believe the daily blessings that I have the opportunity of counting. I will miss the incredible people I have been surrounded by since building our home. I don't know what I would have done without them and our Ward. I wish I could just pack them up and bring them with me. They made Jeremie's dream even more of a reality with his house. Wow...amazing, amazing life we have been given.
Lots of Love...to all you amazing people...
Cori
That is because I FINISHED MY MASTERS PROGRAM TODAY!!! I officially graduated and have my Master's degree in Nursing. Next I'm on to boards!!! Woo Hoo!!!
Next, I listed my house for sale today. Well I should say I signed the contract and it will be listed for sale tomorrow. I know this will come as a great shock to a lot of people. But it is something I have been contemplating even before Jeremie passed away. This house was our dream together. He adored building it and working on it and crying over it and creating his dream. I loved seeing him do it. But that dream is no longer for me. And as I figure out how to move through this life on my own, I have discovered that this home no longer holds what it did for me. Sadly, it hurts to walk through it. It needs to be someone else's dream.
So, Cori and her darling children, minus the eldest adult child (who informs his mother that he will be moving out in 3-4 weeks), will be working her very hardest to buy her little baby dream house in Parowan. I have dreamed, and wished and begged to live there for YEARS! And now I have found a way to make the wish and dream a reality. I've always been a small town girl. So not only will this fulfill a life long dream of mine, but it will greatly assist my financial means as well. I will be cutting down my expenses! Yay! I now don't feel the pressure to have to either get a second job or find another higher paying job. I will have greater peace knowing I can support my kids all by myself, comfortably.
And before we start the whining of "oh my gosh you are going to have to commute!" Let me just inform you all that I drove to Cedar for 3 solid years for work and for school. I like the drive. And I want to LOVE where I live. And FYI, I don't live for work. Oh and I'm not crazy or impulsive. I have thought about this long and hard. And yes, my children are excited as well. It is an adventure, and life is short. We are going forward.
So a HUGE stinking day for my little family and myself. I'm feeling excited about our future. I'm excited to be raising my kids how I have always envisioned. I'm so grateful for everything and everyone in my life. I can't believe the daily blessings that I have the opportunity of counting. I will miss the incredible people I have been surrounded by since building our home. I don't know what I would have done without them and our Ward. I wish I could just pack them up and bring them with me. They made Jeremie's dream even more of a reality with his house. Wow...amazing, amazing life we have been given.
Lots of Love...to all you amazing people...
Cori
Friday, January 6, 2012
01/06/2012
Okay Aunt Rexann...I'm updating this just for you. This should show you how much I love you ;-) Ha Ha Ha. Oh Heavens, where to begin. I was sort of hoping to ignore this and then the blog thing would just go away ;-)
Let's see...hmmm, well we got through Christmas, and even New Year's. We had made plans to go to Salt Lake for Christmas and spend time with the whole family in Salt Lake. My parents and sister and with Jeremie's parents and the Robin's and Claudette. But finances are a bit on the tight side of things, so I decided we were staying home. I was so nervous about this plan, as we were going to be alone...on Christmas. I had never done that, even when Jeremie was with us.
It was super hard to do all the Christmas shopping alone, wrapping the presents alone, and doing everything alone. I missed having someone to bounce ideas off of. That was the hardest part of Christmas. So I was pretty exhausted by Christmas Eve night. But, for some reason I was also really excited. I was a little goofy and wrapped EVERY LITTLE THING...and I mean even little candies :-) I don't know why, but it was so fun to see them unwrap things and not have a clue to what it was going to be :-)
I also made this Christmas my cooking Christmas (which I'm scared to death of cooking, as I hate making mistakes and avoid things I'm not comfortable with, but it's the new me, trying things that make my heart thump harder!). We had MeMe and PePe over Friday before Christmas and had a turkey dinner with all the fun stuff to go with it. And amazingly enough, no panic attack! I had so much fun cooking the whole day. Then the kids and I decided we were going to make all of our favorite things the whole weekend! My mom sent us a Honey Baked Ham for Christmas Eve., so we had that and her scalloped potatoes, which were the BOMB! We also decided to have friends over that night as well. It was so much fun!!!
Christmas morning was a lot of fun. We opened presents and then I went back to bed :-) Then we went for Christmas dinner to Parowan. Which I LOVE Parowan. And I'm so going to move there! It has been one of the places I just LOVE driving through. I tried to buy there before we built our house. But I couldn't quite get Jeremie to see my vision. Although he did love Bryce Canyon and going up to the Ski Resort. I just can breathe when I'm there. I love how small it is, and beautiful it is. So stay tuned, that will be my future town...oh yes, it will be mine ;-) Plus I want little horse :-)
I am incredibly boring. I've never really done the whole celebrating of New Year's thing. I really enjoy my bed and sleeping and I love watching movies and relaxing. So I enjoyed my 4 days off of work, studied my brains out and cleaned my house. Quite relaxing!
So going to work, finishing up school, raising kids, trying to figure out how I can dejunk and simplify my life and live it. I'm enjoying exercising for the first time in my life. I am finding out more about myself everyday. The kids are doing pretty good. I think we are finding our groove. I'm looking forward to 2012 being a great year, full of growth and opportunites to try new things and enjoy the wonderful life that we have.
I know that Jeremie trusted me, and I know that he trusted my decision making abilities. It is one of the qualities I miss about him most. Of course I'm not always so sure of my decision making abilities! But I think that mistakes are meant to be made, life is meant to be lived, and success comes in many different forms ;-) Cliche' I know! But when I start second guessing myself. I just think, what is the worse thing that is going to happen if it is a mistake? I just make it, don't ruminate about it and move on. Well okay, I ruminate a bit, okay, okay...a lot!
I have to laugh a bit at myself. When you have been with someone since you were 15, and all you envisioned was being with that person for your whole life, and then find yourself at 35 having to envison something completely different for yourself. It is SUPER SCARY! And it just might be this week. But I've found myself excited to figure this out.
Well...life calls...peace out!
Love,
Cori
Let's see...hmmm, well we got through Christmas, and even New Year's. We had made plans to go to Salt Lake for Christmas and spend time with the whole family in Salt Lake. My parents and sister and with Jeremie's parents and the Robin's and Claudette. But finances are a bit on the tight side of things, so I decided we were staying home. I was so nervous about this plan, as we were going to be alone...on Christmas. I had never done that, even when Jeremie was with us.
It was super hard to do all the Christmas shopping alone, wrapping the presents alone, and doing everything alone. I missed having someone to bounce ideas off of. That was the hardest part of Christmas. So I was pretty exhausted by Christmas Eve night. But, for some reason I was also really excited. I was a little goofy and wrapped EVERY LITTLE THING...and I mean even little candies :-) I don't know why, but it was so fun to see them unwrap things and not have a clue to what it was going to be :-)
I also made this Christmas my cooking Christmas (which I'm scared to death of cooking, as I hate making mistakes and avoid things I'm not comfortable with, but it's the new me, trying things that make my heart thump harder!). We had MeMe and PePe over Friday before Christmas and had a turkey dinner with all the fun stuff to go with it. And amazingly enough, no panic attack! I had so much fun cooking the whole day. Then the kids and I decided we were going to make all of our favorite things the whole weekend! My mom sent us a Honey Baked Ham for Christmas Eve., so we had that and her scalloped potatoes, which were the BOMB! We also decided to have friends over that night as well. It was so much fun!!!
Christmas morning was a lot of fun. We opened presents and then I went back to bed :-) Then we went for Christmas dinner to Parowan. Which I LOVE Parowan. And I'm so going to move there! It has been one of the places I just LOVE driving through. I tried to buy there before we built our house. But I couldn't quite get Jeremie to see my vision. Although he did love Bryce Canyon and going up to the Ski Resort. I just can breathe when I'm there. I love how small it is, and beautiful it is. So stay tuned, that will be my future town...oh yes, it will be mine ;-) Plus I want little horse :-)
I am incredibly boring. I've never really done the whole celebrating of New Year's thing. I really enjoy my bed and sleeping and I love watching movies and relaxing. So I enjoyed my 4 days off of work, studied my brains out and cleaned my house. Quite relaxing!
So going to work, finishing up school, raising kids, trying to figure out how I can dejunk and simplify my life and live it. I'm enjoying exercising for the first time in my life. I am finding out more about myself everyday. The kids are doing pretty good. I think we are finding our groove. I'm looking forward to 2012 being a great year, full of growth and opportunites to try new things and enjoy the wonderful life that we have.
I know that Jeremie trusted me, and I know that he trusted my decision making abilities. It is one of the qualities I miss about him most. Of course I'm not always so sure of my decision making abilities! But I think that mistakes are meant to be made, life is meant to be lived, and success comes in many different forms ;-) Cliche' I know! But when I start second guessing myself. I just think, what is the worse thing that is going to happen if it is a mistake? I just make it, don't ruminate about it and move on. Well okay, I ruminate a bit, okay, okay...a lot!
I have to laugh a bit at myself. When you have been with someone since you were 15, and all you envisioned was being with that person for your whole life, and then find yourself at 35 having to envison something completely different for yourself. It is SUPER SCARY! And it just might be this week. But I've found myself excited to figure this out.
Well...life calls...peace out!
Love,
Cori
Saturday, December 3, 2011
12-03-2011
It has been a couple of weeks since I last decided to write on "The Blog". It has been sort of stretching for me over the last several weeks. And I'm not thinking this is a bad thing. Well at least right now I'm not thinking it is a bad thing ;-)
I will hopefully be taking my Comprehensive Exam in the next couple of weeks. I'm hoping by December 14th to officially have my MSN. I'm of course sick of studying, but oh well, got to just get it done. It is terrible, I downloaded my review CD on my I-Phone, not the smartest thing I have ever done. I keep getting distracted by my songs, which I switch to while I'm trying to figure out what I listened to last. I can figure out all kinds of ways not to study.
We went to Seattle for Thanksgiving to see my bestest buddy and her sweet family. It was quite an adventure with 5 children and flying. It was their first time flying! Serious adventure! It went pretty slick though. Lil' Jeremie was a bit freaked out at first about the whole security thing, getting on the plane and taking off. But ended up doing quite well. Seattle was beautiful. The ocean was quite mind opening for me. The whole trip sort of changed my whole perspective on my life.
I had several epiphanies...which I'm not quite sure I'm ready to go into here. But there will come a time ;-)
I have definitely felt Jeremie close to me. And I'm feeling more confident in myself, and my ability to be myself again. I'm finally feeling like I'm moving in some sort of direction. I'm not so paranoid anymore that it is even the wrong direction. The staying still, the not progressing, the not moving forward or not making mistakes is not what my life is about.
The last several weeks have been mind and body changing for me. I have laughed so hard I have cried. I have felt excitement and had loads of fun. It feels good to have those fun emotions again. I'm not going to say it has been easy by any means. At times it has been so anxiety producing I have difficulty in controlling the shaking my body seems to do when I'm scared out of my mind. BUT I'm learning to embrace this!!! I haven't regretted it! Not a single time! So I'm stretching and growing.
I can say that I'm happy. And it doesn't break my heart to feel that way. I think about this last year, and I don't know how we all did it. But we did, and we are all better for it. We are so strong, and love each other so much, and don't want to take a single day for granted. I love the life that Jeremie and I worked so hard to build, and this last week I was reminded why we worked so hard for it. I'm so grateful, so so so grateful for this sweet gift he left me.
Well that is sort of the gist of our lives at the moment. I'm actually okay. Kids are okay. We are okay. Does that mean we don't have our challenges? Duh...of course not! But life is short, move on. Breathe, soak in the tub and buy new sweat pants! Key to happiness ;-)
Lots of Love...
Cori
I will hopefully be taking my Comprehensive Exam in the next couple of weeks. I'm hoping by December 14th to officially have my MSN. I'm of course sick of studying, but oh well, got to just get it done. It is terrible, I downloaded my review CD on my I-Phone, not the smartest thing I have ever done. I keep getting distracted by my songs, which I switch to while I'm trying to figure out what I listened to last. I can figure out all kinds of ways not to study.
We went to Seattle for Thanksgiving to see my bestest buddy and her sweet family. It was quite an adventure with 5 children and flying. It was their first time flying! Serious adventure! It went pretty slick though. Lil' Jeremie was a bit freaked out at first about the whole security thing, getting on the plane and taking off. But ended up doing quite well. Seattle was beautiful. The ocean was quite mind opening for me. The whole trip sort of changed my whole perspective on my life.
I had several epiphanies...which I'm not quite sure I'm ready to go into here. But there will come a time ;-)
I have definitely felt Jeremie close to me. And I'm feeling more confident in myself, and my ability to be myself again. I'm finally feeling like I'm moving in some sort of direction. I'm not so paranoid anymore that it is even the wrong direction. The staying still, the not progressing, the not moving forward or not making mistakes is not what my life is about.
The last several weeks have been mind and body changing for me. I have laughed so hard I have cried. I have felt excitement and had loads of fun. It feels good to have those fun emotions again. I'm not going to say it has been easy by any means. At times it has been so anxiety producing I have difficulty in controlling the shaking my body seems to do when I'm scared out of my mind. BUT I'm learning to embrace this!!! I haven't regretted it! Not a single time! So I'm stretching and growing.
I can say that I'm happy. And it doesn't break my heart to feel that way. I think about this last year, and I don't know how we all did it. But we did, and we are all better for it. We are so strong, and love each other so much, and don't want to take a single day for granted. I love the life that Jeremie and I worked so hard to build, and this last week I was reminded why we worked so hard for it. I'm so grateful, so so so grateful for this sweet gift he left me.
Well that is sort of the gist of our lives at the moment. I'm actually okay. Kids are okay. We are okay. Does that mean we don't have our challenges? Duh...of course not! But life is short, move on. Breathe, soak in the tub and buy new sweat pants! Key to happiness ;-)
Lots of Love...
Cori
Friday, November 18, 2011
11-18-11
I must be needing to study. The blog seems more interesting right now. Actually everything seems more interesting right now. Something is wrong with this picture. A) I'm writing on the blog on Friday night and B) I'm studying on Friday night. These are not my greatest days...eck. This is supposed to be my date night...grrrr! Where is my date? He better be doing something really cool right now, cause I'm getting really annoyed at having to find other things to do with my time ;-) Yeah, I miss him. Duh, huh?
So do you think there is anything wrong with wanting to duct tape your children? I'm debating on buying Costco size bulk duct tape package's. Again...miss the other parent around. He used to do the whole student/parent meeting nightmare. I love doing it...nothing makes me happier (insert heavy sarcasm). Mix with that the challenges of having an 18 year old that is driving me NUTS!!!
I'm fighting with every fiber in my being to be nice and polite to the sweet little children that share our home. But I'm thinking of asking them to call me something different than Mom. I miss when they were little. I could bath them, feed them, love them and easily entertain them. Now I feel like I haven't left work when I come home. Cause it just continues ;-)
I'm finding myself, doing anything and everything different that I can. Doing things that are quite stretching and growing for myself. I find that I become quite proud of myself, and exhausted because I have sent my anxiety through the roof. But I have learned that life is short (get out of town...right?).
Well my kids are little monsters, nothing has changed on that front. I'm still not on the behavioral health unit (amazing I know!) and I'm hopefully going to be taking my test super soon. So I will get done with whining and on with studying...but thanks for letting me take the break :-)
Love to all...
Cori
So do you think there is anything wrong with wanting to duct tape your children? I'm debating on buying Costco size bulk duct tape package's. Again...miss the other parent around. He used to do the whole student/parent meeting nightmare. I love doing it...nothing makes me happier (insert heavy sarcasm). Mix with that the challenges of having an 18 year old that is driving me NUTS!!!
I'm fighting with every fiber in my being to be nice and polite to the sweet little children that share our home. But I'm thinking of asking them to call me something different than Mom. I miss when they were little. I could bath them, feed them, love them and easily entertain them. Now I feel like I haven't left work when I come home. Cause it just continues ;-)
I'm finding myself, doing anything and everything different that I can. Doing things that are quite stretching and growing for myself. I find that I become quite proud of myself, and exhausted because I have sent my anxiety through the roof. But I have learned that life is short (get out of town...right?).
Well my kids are little monsters, nothing has changed on that front. I'm still not on the behavioral health unit (amazing I know!) and I'm hopefully going to be taking my test super soon. So I will get done with whining and on with studying...but thanks for letting me take the break :-)
Love to all...
Cori
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
11-9-11
Fair warning...I'm super whiny.
My brain feels like mush. I used to know how to think. And I used to be really clear in the direction I wanted to go in my life. I used to be really confident and know exactly who I am and what I wanted to improve on.
Cori, or who was formerly known as Cori ran away. I'm not quite sure where she went or if she is ever going to be back. I hope wherever she is, she is enjoying herself. Because who is left behind is seriously freaked out, and really doesn't want to do this anymore.
The more time that goes by without Jeremie, the more difficult it seems to be getting. I think it was easier in the beginning. Odd huh? My best friend, the other side of my brain, the tender, sweet, funny half of me died. I'm left with a shell, and don't know how to fill it anymore. I used to think that I understood what existence was for. I used to think that I could get through all of these challenges that life threw at me. That with faith, hope and love all things would be alright. Do I still have those things? Of course. But they feel different. I feel different. It certainly isn't pleasant.
Grief and pain are so individual. I'm blessed to work with amazing people everyday, who I attempt to throw at them what is floating around in my brain, and they come up with amazing ideas and thoughts that might help me better deal with my day to day life. For moments these are helpful. Frequently, however I am left still empty. Alone in my head trying to figure out how in the world I am supposed to figure this all out.
The soul-crushing pain that has decided to make an appearance lately is quite a surprise. Jeremie used to say his bone pain could be described as an exquisite sort of pain. I understand what he means by that now. I'm taken by surprise when it hits me. The oddest of moments. The oddest of circumstances. My breathe is taken from me daily. I want to hear his perspective, I want to hear him get mad, I want to hear that he loves me and I want him to laugh at his kids.
I have this wall that jumps up in front of me and I slam into it every time I expect to hear his comments or see his face and expression. I am so honored and touched by people that want to help me through this. I just don't know how to go about it. I think I just have to go through it, there is no way around it. There is no way to pretend it doesn't exist. And trying to be patient enough with myself to work through this terrible pain is difficult.
I'm struggling with day to day existence of not having Jeremie by my side to raise a large family and maintain our home, cars and life. Even though he was sick the last year, I could call him, or run something into him, or talk to him about what I was attempting to fix or do. Just having him laugh at me because I was swearing at the toilet, made it all okay. I know I am surrounded by people that want to help me. But I just want to be able to do it myself. I sound like a 4 year old! Trying to figure out how to do this on my own is a process. I know it is painful to look at or be around. Be patient with me. I promise I will ask for help if I need it. At some point I have to learn to do this...alone. I know, I know...I'm not alone. But I am.
It is funny I was asking a friend how they did the whole single-parent thing. I laughed because it struck a cord with me. I'm hard-wired for certain things. Like laundry, cleaning, making my kids brush their teeth, herding them etc. But I'm not hard-wired for other things, such as school projects or Halloween, or jokes. Trying to put a package together in myself to make-up for those other things is a real struggle, while also mixing in Who is Cori...where did she go...is she going to be different forever?
I decided to play with Jeremie's Ipod yesterday. This song popped up first...ugh...just pain, and a perfect description...Youtube had the video...of course I just cry...http://youtu.be/5anLPw0Efmo
I just miss my friend. He knew me like no other. Inside and out. I just ache and feel a bit broken. But again, duct tape is an alternative.
Love you all...
Cori
My brain feels like mush. I used to know how to think. And I used to be really clear in the direction I wanted to go in my life. I used to be really confident and know exactly who I am and what I wanted to improve on.
Cori, or who was formerly known as Cori ran away. I'm not quite sure where she went or if she is ever going to be back. I hope wherever she is, she is enjoying herself. Because who is left behind is seriously freaked out, and really doesn't want to do this anymore.
The more time that goes by without Jeremie, the more difficult it seems to be getting. I think it was easier in the beginning. Odd huh? My best friend, the other side of my brain, the tender, sweet, funny half of me died. I'm left with a shell, and don't know how to fill it anymore. I used to think that I understood what existence was for. I used to think that I could get through all of these challenges that life threw at me. That with faith, hope and love all things would be alright. Do I still have those things? Of course. But they feel different. I feel different. It certainly isn't pleasant.
Grief and pain are so individual. I'm blessed to work with amazing people everyday, who I attempt to throw at them what is floating around in my brain, and they come up with amazing ideas and thoughts that might help me better deal with my day to day life. For moments these are helpful. Frequently, however I am left still empty. Alone in my head trying to figure out how in the world I am supposed to figure this all out.
The soul-crushing pain that has decided to make an appearance lately is quite a surprise. Jeremie used to say his bone pain could be described as an exquisite sort of pain. I understand what he means by that now. I'm taken by surprise when it hits me. The oddest of moments. The oddest of circumstances. My breathe is taken from me daily. I want to hear his perspective, I want to hear him get mad, I want to hear that he loves me and I want him to laugh at his kids.
I have this wall that jumps up in front of me and I slam into it every time I expect to hear his comments or see his face and expression. I am so honored and touched by people that want to help me through this. I just don't know how to go about it. I think I just have to go through it, there is no way around it. There is no way to pretend it doesn't exist. And trying to be patient enough with myself to work through this terrible pain is difficult.
I'm struggling with day to day existence of not having Jeremie by my side to raise a large family and maintain our home, cars and life. Even though he was sick the last year, I could call him, or run something into him, or talk to him about what I was attempting to fix or do. Just having him laugh at me because I was swearing at the toilet, made it all okay. I know I am surrounded by people that want to help me. But I just want to be able to do it myself. I sound like a 4 year old! Trying to figure out how to do this on my own is a process. I know it is painful to look at or be around. Be patient with me. I promise I will ask for help if I need it. At some point I have to learn to do this...alone. I know, I know...I'm not alone. But I am.
It is funny I was asking a friend how they did the whole single-parent thing. I laughed because it struck a cord with me. I'm hard-wired for certain things. Like laundry, cleaning, making my kids brush their teeth, herding them etc. But I'm not hard-wired for other things, such as school projects or Halloween, or jokes. Trying to put a package together in myself to make-up for those other things is a real struggle, while also mixing in Who is Cori...where did she go...is she going to be different forever?
I decided to play with Jeremie's Ipod yesterday. This song popped up first...ugh...just pain, and a perfect description...Youtube had the video...of course I just cry...http://youtu.be/5anLPw0Efmo
I just miss my friend. He knew me like no other. Inside and out. I just ache and feel a bit broken. But again, duct tape is an alternative.
Love you all...
Cori
Monday, October 31, 2011
10-31-11
I've been running a little crazy the last several weeks. I haven't had time to blog. But I'm at work, everyone has left, and I have a moment of peace.
A year ago Jeremie and I had the best Halloween! It was our first Holiday together in our house. He dressed up as a Rock-Star and I was a sloppy pink bunny. It was so much fun! He took the kids trick-or-treating and I stayed at home and passed out the candy. The kids had so much fun with him. He felt good, he looked good and we where getting ready for the next day for Salt Lake. Jeremie would be receiving his third consolidation. Sadly November 1st, is when we found out he had two chloromas or leukemia tumors on his spine. Our whole world changed yet again. So this time of year is turning very difficult for me.
I have struggled over the last several weeks with the logistics of being a single parent of five children. It is awful. I wish Jeremie was here, even if he just could hear me whine. I'm afraid my poor co-workers just can't hear about it anymore. Poor things, they try so hard to be here and there and accommodating to me. And it is the epitome of my worst fear. To be the pathetic, widowed, single-parent. I'm just not digging that whole role right now. I have worked so hard in my life to be independent, and self-sufficient. This is really putting me out!
I have a lot of things I'm debating on changing or making my life simpler right now. I have been thinking about selling the motorcycle and the Yukon to get a more efficient and cheaper car to run. I just hate making these types of decisions by myself. I have no feedback. I have no other perspective of making life-changing decisions. I'm good at the whole priority thing, and which comes first. But trying to put some sort of order and resemblance of life and role back into my being is proving to be the most difficult.
I haven't been able to study this past week for my test. I've been too overwhelmed with my children and their individual crisis's and issues. I'm again really missing the man that took such good care of me. He just babied me and loved me. I can't tell you how much I miss being me, and I miss him close.
Well here is for praying for a better week. Today wasn't the greatest day, but tomorrow the sun will shine again.
I miss you all so much...I love my wonderful friends and family.
Love to all!
Cori
A year ago Jeremie and I had the best Halloween! It was our first Holiday together in our house. He dressed up as a Rock-Star and I was a sloppy pink bunny. It was so much fun! He took the kids trick-or-treating and I stayed at home and passed out the candy. The kids had so much fun with him. He felt good, he looked good and we where getting ready for the next day for Salt Lake. Jeremie would be receiving his third consolidation. Sadly November 1st, is when we found out he had two chloromas or leukemia tumors on his spine. Our whole world changed yet again. So this time of year is turning very difficult for me.
I have struggled over the last several weeks with the logistics of being a single parent of five children. It is awful. I wish Jeremie was here, even if he just could hear me whine. I'm afraid my poor co-workers just can't hear about it anymore. Poor things, they try so hard to be here and there and accommodating to me. And it is the epitome of my worst fear. To be the pathetic, widowed, single-parent. I'm just not digging that whole role right now. I have worked so hard in my life to be independent, and self-sufficient. This is really putting me out!
I have a lot of things I'm debating on changing or making my life simpler right now. I have been thinking about selling the motorcycle and the Yukon to get a more efficient and cheaper car to run. I just hate making these types of decisions by myself. I have no feedback. I have no other perspective of making life-changing decisions. I'm good at the whole priority thing, and which comes first. But trying to put some sort of order and resemblance of life and role back into my being is proving to be the most difficult.
I haven't been able to study this past week for my test. I've been too overwhelmed with my children and their individual crisis's and issues. I'm again really missing the man that took such good care of me. He just babied me and loved me. I can't tell you how much I miss being me, and I miss him close.
Well here is for praying for a better week. Today wasn't the greatest day, but tomorrow the sun will shine again.
I miss you all so much...I love my wonderful friends and family.
Love to all!
Cori
Monday, October 17, 2011
10-17-2011
Despite last week being particularly challenging. We had a wonderful weekend. Sweet Jeremie Jr. turned 11! Yay! He decided he wanted to go to Salt Lake and have Grandma give him a birthday (THANK YOU GRANDMA). We had another great surprise when we went up. Carla (my Aunt & Uncle), Chris and their boys! And sweet Travis, his wife Stephanie and their DARLING baby boy Gage. Just what my soul needed! We had a lot of fun hanging out with them. We went to the zoo on Saturday for Jeremie's birthday. Haven't been there forever! It really was a lot of fun.
It's sort of fun to have a blog sometimes. Instead of studying for my test I can write dumb things on and on in the middle of the world wide web ;-) ha ha ha. It feels weird to be finished with school. I mean I know I'm not until I finish my comprehensive exam. But I don't have any more papers, no more classes, nothing. CRAZY! I have been looking at my next degree...I have to apply January 15th for my post-masters. But if accepted I won't have to start until next fall. So a nice break. OOh and then I found out the University of Utah has a distance PhD program ;-) super interested in that. Half thinking if I don't get into the post-masters for psych I will apply for the PhD program in Genetics. That fascinates me. Especially in terms of cancer and genetics. So many places to go with that.
Funny huh? I'm incredibly disgusted and frustrated with cancer and absolutely fascinated by it in the next breath, that I want to go into research? Yeah...maybe a good stay in B-Med would be beneficial. Speaking of b-med. I had one of my clients last week tell me that I'm a good psych nurse because I "understand" what it is like. Hmmm...how do I take that? I didn't have the guts to ask what was meant by that. I can only assume ;-)
This week I'm attempting just to focus on each day. I'm not going to dive into anything too major emotionally this week. I wasn't ready last week when I attempted. There is never a moment my sweet Jeremie is not on my mind. Sometimes it is hard not to sound depressing. Breathe in and breathe out. That is what I'm practicing this week. I don't know, its a theory anyway. I'll let you know next week if it works.
Love you all...
Cori
It's sort of fun to have a blog sometimes. Instead of studying for my test I can write dumb things on and on in the middle of the world wide web ;-) ha ha ha. It feels weird to be finished with school. I mean I know I'm not until I finish my comprehensive exam. But I don't have any more papers, no more classes, nothing. CRAZY! I have been looking at my next degree...I have to apply January 15th for my post-masters. But if accepted I won't have to start until next fall. So a nice break. OOh and then I found out the University of Utah has a distance PhD program ;-) super interested in that. Half thinking if I don't get into the post-masters for psych I will apply for the PhD program in Genetics. That fascinates me. Especially in terms of cancer and genetics. So many places to go with that.
Funny huh? I'm incredibly disgusted and frustrated with cancer and absolutely fascinated by it in the next breath, that I want to go into research? Yeah...maybe a good stay in B-Med would be beneficial. Speaking of b-med. I had one of my clients last week tell me that I'm a good psych nurse because I "understand" what it is like. Hmmm...how do I take that? I didn't have the guts to ask what was meant by that. I can only assume ;-)
This week I'm attempting just to focus on each day. I'm not going to dive into anything too major emotionally this week. I wasn't ready last week when I attempted. There is never a moment my sweet Jeremie is not on my mind. Sometimes it is hard not to sound depressing. Breathe in and breathe out. That is what I'm practicing this week. I don't know, its a theory anyway. I'll let you know next week if it works.
Love you all...
Cori
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
10-11-11
Ka Ka...Leukemia sucks. What a soul crushing, devastating disease. I'm such a dummy, I just open my heart up to tragedy and see if I can cause myself some more pain. I have read a couple of other blogs on AML. Does anyone survive? Is everyone just tortured for a while with chemo and radiation...throw in a transplant for some extra torture...and then die? Good Heavens.
I made another really dumb mistake and decided to watch Jeremie's tribute video by his brother Robin. Yeah I pretty much spent last night bawling my eyes out. I'm not sure what I'm searching for, I'm not sure what I'm looking for. What I'm grasping at?
How do you make sense out of all of this? How do you go forward? What does that really mean? It's so odd...I think in the back of my head that something magical would happen, or I would wake up and this would be a nightmare. Just pretend...right? I want to understand it all. But then I don't, cause I can't make sense of it in my brain.
Sorry for the negative post...this is the reality of my life. The up and down of everyday. I'm always grateful for our gifts and blessings. I'm also so incredibly sad. I wanted to read those blogs and see miracles that people live after leukemia. That for some, all of the sacrifices and pain was worth it. I just didn't find those stories today.
Hmmm...praying for those sweet families who have lost those sweet loved ones, praying for those families battling this disease. Praying I can get a grip.
Here is the link for Robin's incredible video for Jeremie. I'm so blessed to have been loved by this man. To have been accepted 100% for everything I am, to have been told that I'm beautiful and sweet and smart everyday...especially when I was feeling ugly, mean and dumb. That is all I see in this video, how much he loved us. http://youtu.be/tkgulAZRPE0
Breath in and breath out...all I have to do right?
I made another really dumb mistake and decided to watch Jeremie's tribute video by his brother Robin. Yeah I pretty much spent last night bawling my eyes out. I'm not sure what I'm searching for, I'm not sure what I'm looking for. What I'm grasping at?
How do you make sense out of all of this? How do you go forward? What does that really mean? It's so odd...I think in the back of my head that something magical would happen, or I would wake up and this would be a nightmare. Just pretend...right? I want to understand it all. But then I don't, cause I can't make sense of it in my brain.
Sorry for the negative post...this is the reality of my life. The up and down of everyday. I'm always grateful for our gifts and blessings. I'm also so incredibly sad. I wanted to read those blogs and see miracles that people live after leukemia. That for some, all of the sacrifices and pain was worth it. I just didn't find those stories today.
Hmmm...praying for those sweet families who have lost those sweet loved ones, praying for those families battling this disease. Praying I can get a grip.
Here is the link for Robin's incredible video for Jeremie. I'm so blessed to have been loved by this man. To have been accepted 100% for everything I am, to have been told that I'm beautiful and sweet and smart everyday...especially when I was feeling ugly, mean and dumb. That is all I see in this video, how much he loved us. http://youtu.be/tkgulAZRPE0
Breath in and breath out...all I have to do right?
Sunday, October 9, 2011
10-09-2011
Well I made it to work 3 1/2 days last week! Woo Hoo! Kicked my ever lovin' behind, but I think it was good to get back to normal life. I missed work too! Plus I'm obnoxious when I'm sitting at home. All I see is carpets I need to clean, blinds that need to be dusted and bathrooms that need to be washed. At work I walk, sit, chart and do some injections. A little bit easier on me physically than home ;-)
Then I thought if I can go to work, then I can go to church. So after 15 months of living in my ward we went to church. All 3 meetings! Yeah...I'm pretty impressed with us too :-) It was nice, and very uplifting. We all felt good after church today. I think we have been missing that in our lives. Of course I love the first Sunday of the month. Babies being blessed! My favorite! It is such a sweet reminder of what gifts there are in this life. Another really cool thing...my kids are all older. I look around my ward and smile and giggle at the cute little toddlers and babies. It sort of relaxing for me now. Kids are quiet, listening and taking in sacrament, instead of figuring out a way to make me insane.
I felt Jeremie so close to me today. I have been struggling a bit this week. Just missing him like crazy. I miss him making me laugh. And boy he was gorgeous. I miss his green eyes, his smile and his laughter. I miss how he could distract me more than anything or anybody in this world. He occupies my thoughts all the time. I was having a hard Thursday last week. All I wanted to do was call him and tell him it was hard, I hurt, I was stressed and I needed to hear that he wished he could fix it, and hearing him say that....would fix it. I woke up Saturday morning, and I swear he was right next to me. Before I opened my eyes I just felt so happy, and was thinking how I was going to wake him up and we were going to have an adventure today. I must have been in a dream. I turned towards his side...no Jeremie...eck...awful emptiness.
Being with Jeremie the night he passed away was such a gift. It reminds me that he is close by, not far, and what I believe is true. We are eternal companions. When I think about how everything unfolded, it was a gift. To have him in my arms, telling him how much I loved him, how much his kids loved him and that he could go home now. What a truly sacred and intimate experience. The joy that was surrounding us both as he was passing from this world into another is difficult to describe. I didn't understand that is what I was feeling until I called my children and his parents to tell them he passed away. Their grief, sadness and loss hit me hard, from the opposite feeling I had been engulfed in. To share in the emotion/feeling that was there is what holds me together today. I do not know the "plan". I have whispers in my ear sometimes, that he is always here now, and can be with us in a way he wasn't able to be before. It's funny when I am struggling most, is when these little whispers come to me. I was feeling like it isn't fair to have the love of my life taken from me and from my kids, and a whisper came to me that I'm not alone. This happens everyday. I'm not being picked on. It just is. Sounds weird, but it comforted me. No wonder I like to work in psych huh?
Well enough of my ramblings...We are doing good. I'm healing fast and feeling good. I again, am so thankful for the sweet things in our lives. We are truly blessed, even in our sadness. Sounds so corny but it's true.
Love you all...
Cori
Then I thought if I can go to work, then I can go to church. So after 15 months of living in my ward we went to church. All 3 meetings! Yeah...I'm pretty impressed with us too :-) It was nice, and very uplifting. We all felt good after church today. I think we have been missing that in our lives. Of course I love the first Sunday of the month. Babies being blessed! My favorite! It is such a sweet reminder of what gifts there are in this life. Another really cool thing...my kids are all older. I look around my ward and smile and giggle at the cute little toddlers and babies. It sort of relaxing for me now. Kids are quiet, listening and taking in sacrament, instead of figuring out a way to make me insane.
I felt Jeremie so close to me today. I have been struggling a bit this week. Just missing him like crazy. I miss him making me laugh. And boy he was gorgeous. I miss his green eyes, his smile and his laughter. I miss how he could distract me more than anything or anybody in this world. He occupies my thoughts all the time. I was having a hard Thursday last week. All I wanted to do was call him and tell him it was hard, I hurt, I was stressed and I needed to hear that he wished he could fix it, and hearing him say that....would fix it. I woke up Saturday morning, and I swear he was right next to me. Before I opened my eyes I just felt so happy, and was thinking how I was going to wake him up and we were going to have an adventure today. I must have been in a dream. I turned towards his side...no Jeremie...eck...awful emptiness.
Being with Jeremie the night he passed away was such a gift. It reminds me that he is close by, not far, and what I believe is true. We are eternal companions. When I think about how everything unfolded, it was a gift. To have him in my arms, telling him how much I loved him, how much his kids loved him and that he could go home now. What a truly sacred and intimate experience. The joy that was surrounding us both as he was passing from this world into another is difficult to describe. I didn't understand that is what I was feeling until I called my children and his parents to tell them he passed away. Their grief, sadness and loss hit me hard, from the opposite feeling I had been engulfed in. To share in the emotion/feeling that was there is what holds me together today. I do not know the "plan". I have whispers in my ear sometimes, that he is always here now, and can be with us in a way he wasn't able to be before. It's funny when I am struggling most, is when these little whispers come to me. I was feeling like it isn't fair to have the love of my life taken from me and from my kids, and a whisper came to me that I'm not alone. This happens everyday. I'm not being picked on. It just is. Sounds weird, but it comforted me. No wonder I like to work in psych huh?
Well enough of my ramblings...We are doing good. I'm healing fast and feeling good. I again, am so thankful for the sweet things in our lives. We are truly blessed, even in our sadness. Sounds so corny but it's true.
Love you all...
Cori
Saturday, October 1, 2011
10-01-2011
Man...what a rough week! Seriously LOVE my mother. Don't know what I would have done without her. My last "surgery" was in 1997 when I had an ectopic pregnancy. That was crazy painful. BUT this was NUTS! I'm never, ever having surgery again. Yuck! It went well though. I'm still just way whiny about it.
I think about everything my sweet Jeremie went through with all of his various medical procedures. It definitely gave me a different perspective, and helped me to suck it up a bit ;-) I know in the end I will feel better, have some more energy and less inconvenience. Holy Cow that was hard though.
Well I finished clinical last week! Woo Hoo! In fact technically, I should be working on finishing my paper work for getting ready to take my last exam. But I decided it was a lot more fun to write on my blog. Plus I'm sick of writing erythema and exudate. Blah.
I miss my sweet Jeremie, especially right now. Even though me and sick were never high on his "like" list. I just wanted him to rub my back and tell me he felt sorry for me. He was really good at that! I am glad I don't have to hear "you NEED to get a hysterectomy!" from him. Poor guy, I wait until he is gone to do it. But I couldn't imagine doing this at any other time. And I know he is with me.
There are struggles that each of us are going through. I know I'm not alone in mine. This time in clinical really was therapeutic. This is a difficult time we all live in. So many people without jobs, health care and struggling with health problems. It was perhaps the most healing thing that I could have done. Of course I can say that cause I'm done. I think last week I was saying I'm nuts. But this week, I'm seeing how it is helping me move a little forward.
I continue to be so thankful for my neighbors, friends and family that continue to love and pray for us. We feel it, and thank you for staying with us.
Love you all...
Cori
I think about everything my sweet Jeremie went through with all of his various medical procedures. It definitely gave me a different perspective, and helped me to suck it up a bit ;-) I know in the end I will feel better, have some more energy and less inconvenience. Holy Cow that was hard though.
Well I finished clinical last week! Woo Hoo! In fact technically, I should be working on finishing my paper work for getting ready to take my last exam. But I decided it was a lot more fun to write on my blog. Plus I'm sick of writing erythema and exudate. Blah.
I miss my sweet Jeremie, especially right now. Even though me and sick were never high on his "like" list. I just wanted him to rub my back and tell me he felt sorry for me. He was really good at that! I am glad I don't have to hear "you NEED to get a hysterectomy!" from him. Poor guy, I wait until he is gone to do it. But I couldn't imagine doing this at any other time. And I know he is with me.
There are struggles that each of us are going through. I know I'm not alone in mine. This time in clinical really was therapeutic. This is a difficult time we all live in. So many people without jobs, health care and struggling with health problems. It was perhaps the most healing thing that I could have done. Of course I can say that cause I'm done. I think last week I was saying I'm nuts. But this week, I'm seeing how it is helping me move a little forward.
I continue to be so thankful for my neighbors, friends and family that continue to love and pray for us. We feel it, and thank you for staying with us.
Love you all...
Cori
Sunday, September 18, 2011
09-18-2011
I'm trying to find anything to do but my homework! One last paper!!!! Of course it is my big paper. Next week is my last week of clinical!!!! WOO HOO!!! Not that school ends there. I then get to take my comprehensive exam and then my boards. So I'm still a bit away from being "finished". But the hard stuff is out of the way.
Next Monday I will be getting rid of my girlie parts or I'm having a hysterectomy. Something I have been contemplating for years. Now I'm just done. So part two of taking care of me will be happening Monday. Thank goodness for Moms, mine will be coming to help take care of the kids while I recover.
Our poor PePe (Jeremie's dad) has been so sick. He had a surgical procedure performed last Tuesday and Wednesday was admitted to ICU for aspiration pneumonia. He was released Friday. It hurts me to see him so sick. Jeremie's was/is a lot like his dad. You can't sit on either one of them! They are just workers that Saville Family!
For Jeremie's birthday we went to Oscar's in Springdale (by Zions National Park). It hurt my soul, but was wonderful at the same time. It is a place my best friend and I would go after we would take our exams in nursing school. A reward we would give ourselves. Then I introduced it to Jeremie. So many different adventures we have had at that wonderful restaurant.
Well trying to get through each day. This has been a good week. I think this next week will be as well. I'm so grateful for our friends and family and neighbors. I can't believe how blessed we are. Thank you all for helping me and my kids through this.
Love to all...
Cori
Next Monday I will be getting rid of my girlie parts or I'm having a hysterectomy. Something I have been contemplating for years. Now I'm just done. So part two of taking care of me will be happening Monday. Thank goodness for Moms, mine will be coming to help take care of the kids while I recover.
Our poor PePe (Jeremie's dad) has been so sick. He had a surgical procedure performed last Tuesday and Wednesday was admitted to ICU for aspiration pneumonia. He was released Friday. It hurts me to see him so sick. Jeremie's was/is a lot like his dad. You can't sit on either one of them! They are just workers that Saville Family!
For Jeremie's birthday we went to Oscar's in Springdale (by Zions National Park). It hurt my soul, but was wonderful at the same time. It is a place my best friend and I would go after we would take our exams in nursing school. A reward we would give ourselves. Then I introduced it to Jeremie. So many different adventures we have had at that wonderful restaurant.
Well trying to get through each day. This has been a good week. I think this next week will be as well. I'm so grateful for our friends and family and neighbors. I can't believe how blessed we are. Thank you all for helping me and my kids through this.
Love to all...
Cori
Friday, September 9, 2011
09-09-2011
What an interesting week. Jeremie used to hate when I said "interesting" cause it usual meant something was wrong with him! So..perhaps he is right...something is wrong. I'm trying to figure out so many things. Comprehending my life at the moment is a challenge. Sometimes I wonder where lil' Jer got the autism spectrum disorder ;-) I can be a bit on the analytical side of things.
Well I did something really fun last week...or I should say Jess my darling hair dresser did something fun for me...I have long hair! So much fun. At least I didn't shave it huh? Well I think my mom is happy I didn't shave it. You can usually tell if I'm in crisis as my hair will be very short. Thank goodness for a smart, beautiful and creative friend who does extensions! So my morning now is spent figuring out my stupid hair. Yeah...I'm not really into that stuff. But I have to say it is a welcome distraction ;-)
A very momentous day is coming up...I'm scared, to be honest. September 12th is Jeremie's Birthday. And all I can think about is where I want to whisk him off to, what I want to give him, and how special I want to make the day. My heart just hurts.
Sometimes I feel him so close to me, that I swear I can hear him. Other times, I just ache to hold him. And then sometimes I am so stinking tired I just miss having the extra adult body in the house with me! I miss being able to say "I can't do it anymore...will you?". How do single parents do this? Really...it is crazy! I keep thinking...I HAD FIVE...ON PURPOSE...jeez Louise.
I think...just think mind you...that I am getting the hang of this whole family nurse practitioner thing. The panic is starting to wear off, and I'm starting to be able to think through things a bit. At least I think I can get through the exam, diagnosing and prescriptions. Charting...my next problem. So awesome to be thrown into a student situation. You get to chart on the clinics stupid system, then you get to chart on your school system, then you get to write case studies after all this stupid charting!
I went to work on Wednesday. It was heaven to actually know what in the world I was doing. Felt like a vacation. So excited to get this part of my life over so I can return to some normalcy. Again...what was I thinking? I'm pretty sure though I am going to get my post-masters in psych and focus on children and adolescents. I like psych...cause I'm psycho ;-) hee hee hee!
Jeremie is definitely with me during the more challenging parts of clinical. It is usually when I know what he would be saying if he was a fly on the wall. He would just die seeing some of this stuff. It cracks me up! I sure miss his sense of humor...and sarcasm. I miss him asking me if I wash my hands! Ha Ha Ha....that used to annoy me to no end! Duh...I wash my hands. But he JUST had to ask.
I miss him most when I'm frustrated, excited, bored, happy, sad, depressed, pretty much all the time. It kills me every time I have a break or get to my car to go home and I reach for my cell-phone to call him. So usually I end up talking to myself in the car as if he was sitting right there.
I have to share a dream I had. I was talking to Jeremie asking him if I could come visit him every night. If I could just do that I would be fine. I promise. He told me I couldn't because I wouldn't go back and he wouldn't be able to make me go back. I was so sad. When I woke up I just laughed because I realized he was right. I'm stubborn, I would get there and say too bad, I'm staying! And he wouldn't have the heart to tell me no. I'm trying to hold on to that. I can't go.
I wish I could say it is getting easier, but it just isn't. Am I living without him...obviously, grrrr just selfish and whiny. I sure love you Jeremie. Someday I can't wait to hear about your day, and what you did today and what you created today...I miss that most.
Well...off to write a paper on ethics....blah
Love to all...
Cori
Well I did something really fun last week...or I should say Jess my darling hair dresser did something fun for me...I have long hair! So much fun. At least I didn't shave it huh? Well I think my mom is happy I didn't shave it. You can usually tell if I'm in crisis as my hair will be very short. Thank goodness for a smart, beautiful and creative friend who does extensions! So my morning now is spent figuring out my stupid hair. Yeah...I'm not really into that stuff. But I have to say it is a welcome distraction ;-)
A very momentous day is coming up...I'm scared, to be honest. September 12th is Jeremie's Birthday. And all I can think about is where I want to whisk him off to, what I want to give him, and how special I want to make the day. My heart just hurts.
Sometimes I feel him so close to me, that I swear I can hear him. Other times, I just ache to hold him. And then sometimes I am so stinking tired I just miss having the extra adult body in the house with me! I miss being able to say "I can't do it anymore...will you?". How do single parents do this? Really...it is crazy! I keep thinking...I HAD FIVE...ON PURPOSE...jeez Louise.
I think...just think mind you...that I am getting the hang of this whole family nurse practitioner thing. The panic is starting to wear off, and I'm starting to be able to think through things a bit. At least I think I can get through the exam, diagnosing and prescriptions. Charting...my next problem. So awesome to be thrown into a student situation. You get to chart on the clinics stupid system, then you get to chart on your school system, then you get to write case studies after all this stupid charting!
I went to work on Wednesday. It was heaven to actually know what in the world I was doing. Felt like a vacation. So excited to get this part of my life over so I can return to some normalcy. Again...what was I thinking? I'm pretty sure though I am going to get my post-masters in psych and focus on children and adolescents. I like psych...cause I'm psycho ;-) hee hee hee!
Jeremie is definitely with me during the more challenging parts of clinical. It is usually when I know what he would be saying if he was a fly on the wall. He would just die seeing some of this stuff. It cracks me up! I sure miss his sense of humor...and sarcasm. I miss him asking me if I wash my hands! Ha Ha Ha....that used to annoy me to no end! Duh...I wash my hands. But he JUST had to ask.
I miss him most when I'm frustrated, excited, bored, happy, sad, depressed, pretty much all the time. It kills me every time I have a break or get to my car to go home and I reach for my cell-phone to call him. So usually I end up talking to myself in the car as if he was sitting right there.
I have to share a dream I had. I was talking to Jeremie asking him if I could come visit him every night. If I could just do that I would be fine. I promise. He told me I couldn't because I wouldn't go back and he wouldn't be able to make me go back. I was so sad. When I woke up I just laughed because I realized he was right. I'm stubborn, I would get there and say too bad, I'm staying! And he wouldn't have the heart to tell me no. I'm trying to hold on to that. I can't go.
I wish I could say it is getting easier, but it just isn't. Am I living without him...obviously, grrrr just selfish and whiny. I sure love you Jeremie. Someday I can't wait to hear about your day, and what you did today and what you created today...I miss that most.
Well...off to write a paper on ethics....blah
Love to all...
Cori
Friday, September 2, 2011
09/02/2011
Well each day keeps turning into another day. Weird how the sun keeps coming up each day. I've definitely battled some very difficult days in the last several weeks. Hardest of my life. I miss that darn man so much. I have had to tell myself to pull it together and get a grip. So I'm attempting to fake it until I make it.
Clinical has been well...clinical. Super difficult. Definitely not in my comfort zone. And is that a good thing right now? That is what I keep asking myself? But I really have no choice. I have to get it done. I can say today it has been good this week. I am learning so much, and really find I love the work I am doing. I do like seeing it "all", as opposed to just one thing. It is definitely "family" practice.
I'm struggling coming out of this fog my brain has been in for so long. I have a couple of papers to write. I have been writing various papers for the last 7 years of my life, in APA format. On Monday in the middle of attempting to write my paper I couldn't for the life of me remember how to format my title page?? It took me hours to write a 6 page paper on APRN credentialing! Grrrrr....so frustrating! So I am easily overwhelmed. I can't wait to get back to work, and just work and come home every night, and not have to worry any more about this junk.
Kids are doing ok. I think they are also attempting to get the hang of life. They seem to be adjusting well. We just go through the motions of our life, trying to make sense of it, trying to find our place and understanding of what we are doing. We are all "here" but it's a numb sort of here. All of us trying to sort out our homework, sort out each day, and keep going. Miraculously we do it.
Sometimes I actually think the pain is less. I think that it will be okay, and we will be happy again. Then I get whacked upside the head with overwhelming emptiness. I guess normal. I can only imagine how this hurts Jeremie, it is the only thing that will pull me out of it sometimes. He just hated it when I would say I was depressed or upset. So I imagine the hurt on the poor mans face thinking he can't fix this.
I am such a blessed person. I have healthy kids, a wonderful job, an opportunity to go to school, I live in an amazing neighborhood, surrounded by amazing people, and wonderful friends and family. I know that not everyone is surrounded such as we are. I'm so thankful...I really couldn't do it without you all. I'm so blessed to have the amazing life I have.
Thanks for letting me ramble today. Definitely turning into my own personal diary!
Clinical has been well...clinical. Super difficult. Definitely not in my comfort zone. And is that a good thing right now? That is what I keep asking myself? But I really have no choice. I have to get it done. I can say today it has been good this week. I am learning so much, and really find I love the work I am doing. I do like seeing it "all", as opposed to just one thing. It is definitely "family" practice.
I'm struggling coming out of this fog my brain has been in for so long. I have a couple of papers to write. I have been writing various papers for the last 7 years of my life, in APA format. On Monday in the middle of attempting to write my paper I couldn't for the life of me remember how to format my title page?? It took me hours to write a 6 page paper on APRN credentialing! Grrrrr....so frustrating! So I am easily overwhelmed. I can't wait to get back to work, and just work and come home every night, and not have to worry any more about this junk.
Kids are doing ok. I think they are also attempting to get the hang of life. They seem to be adjusting well. We just go through the motions of our life, trying to make sense of it, trying to find our place and understanding of what we are doing. We are all "here" but it's a numb sort of here. All of us trying to sort out our homework, sort out each day, and keep going. Miraculously we do it.
Sometimes I actually think the pain is less. I think that it will be okay, and we will be happy again. Then I get whacked upside the head with overwhelming emptiness. I guess normal. I can only imagine how this hurts Jeremie, it is the only thing that will pull me out of it sometimes. He just hated it when I would say I was depressed or upset. So I imagine the hurt on the poor mans face thinking he can't fix this.
I am such a blessed person. I have healthy kids, a wonderful job, an opportunity to go to school, I live in an amazing neighborhood, surrounded by amazing people, and wonderful friends and family. I know that not everyone is surrounded such as we are. I'm so thankful...I really couldn't do it without you all. I'm so blessed to have the amazing life I have.
Thanks for letting me ramble today. Definitely turning into my own personal diary!
Saturday, August 20, 2011
08/20/2011
My Jeremie has been gone for 4 weeks. I think I'm just going to plan on every Saturday being my hardest day of the week. Thursday is the day is starts going downhill. That was always the day he would start saying "Tomorrow is Friday!". Then Fridays are even more of a struggle...our favorite day! The beginning of our weekend. All I can think about is when he would come and visit me on Friday at work during lunch. Then I would rush home to get dinner done for the kids and out the door we would go!
My memories lately are of when he wasn't sick. He struggled so much during this last year. That was all my focus. I forgot about that vibrant, energetic, non-stop man. I found these videos on his phone that he had transferred to his new phone. They were all before he was sick. I laughed, and laughed! He was so funny! I will have to figure out how to post them. He is so cute!
I started clinical (again) this last Tuesday. I have the opportunity to be learning alongside a nurse-practitioner that serves basically the under served, or those without insurance, or can't obtain state health insurance etc. It has been amazing. It is a community health clinic. I'm hoping and praying I can keep myself and my mind together that I can get through this in the next month. I hope to be finished with clinical by or around September 19th. Then to have my last comprehensive examination done by October 1st. And I will be officially finished with school. My goal is to have my board exams done by December and to have all licensing etc finished for January 2012. It better be a better year.
I know this is something Jeremie wanted me to finish. I feel him pushing me out of bed, when I just feel that I can't do it. I know he is by my side as I'm starting to panic at what lays a head of me. And I know he is whispering in my ear and to my heart. I dream every night of him holding out his hand and I'm reaching to grab his, and all I'm captured by is his smile, and the calm that I feel when I see his hand.
My kids seem to be doing pretty good. Everyone started school...well except Scarlett. Still working on that one. Hopefully, fingers crossed we can really get that figured out next week. Meanwhile, I don't know what I would have done without her this week. The poor boys bicycles are being fixed, and I don't want them walking in the 107 degree heat for 45 minutes. It probably could take a normal person 20-30 minutes but these are the little boys we are talking about! They find trouble! So riding their bikes cuts that down to 15 minutes out in this yucky heat.
I try to think about Jeremie not being in pain anymore. I think about all the wonderful parts of our lives. And I think about how mad he would make me sometimes ;-) and how much he would make me laugh! I really try to focus on the day. If I move past the day, my heart just hurts and I can't think straight. He is my love, and unfortunately I think this is something that time will not heal. What other choice do I have but to continue living the life that we worked so hard to build.
Well those are my ramblings today...lets see if I can get out of this soul sucking bed...and clean my house!
Love to all....
My memories lately are of when he wasn't sick. He struggled so much during this last year. That was all my focus. I forgot about that vibrant, energetic, non-stop man. I found these videos on his phone that he had transferred to his new phone. They were all before he was sick. I laughed, and laughed! He was so funny! I will have to figure out how to post them. He is so cute!
I started clinical (again) this last Tuesday. I have the opportunity to be learning alongside a nurse-practitioner that serves basically the under served, or those without insurance, or can't obtain state health insurance etc. It has been amazing. It is a community health clinic. I'm hoping and praying I can keep myself and my mind together that I can get through this in the next month. I hope to be finished with clinical by or around September 19th. Then to have my last comprehensive examination done by October 1st. And I will be officially finished with school. My goal is to have my board exams done by December and to have all licensing etc finished for January 2012. It better be a better year.
I know this is something Jeremie wanted me to finish. I feel him pushing me out of bed, when I just feel that I can't do it. I know he is by my side as I'm starting to panic at what lays a head of me. And I know he is whispering in my ear and to my heart. I dream every night of him holding out his hand and I'm reaching to grab his, and all I'm captured by is his smile, and the calm that I feel when I see his hand.
My kids seem to be doing pretty good. Everyone started school...well except Scarlett. Still working on that one. Hopefully, fingers crossed we can really get that figured out next week. Meanwhile, I don't know what I would have done without her this week. The poor boys bicycles are being fixed, and I don't want them walking in the 107 degree heat for 45 minutes. It probably could take a normal person 20-30 minutes but these are the little boys we are talking about! They find trouble! So riding their bikes cuts that down to 15 minutes out in this yucky heat.
I try to think about Jeremie not being in pain anymore. I think about all the wonderful parts of our lives. And I think about how mad he would make me sometimes ;-) and how much he would make me laugh! I really try to focus on the day. If I move past the day, my heart just hurts and I can't think straight. He is my love, and unfortunately I think this is something that time will not heal. What other choice do I have but to continue living the life that we worked so hard to build.
Well those are my ramblings today...lets see if I can get out of this soul sucking bed...and clean my house!
Love to all....
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